A Little Piece Of Heaven

A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is about a boy who kidnaps Christmas playmates for his disabled sister.

And I thought there were no disability Christmas horror movies.

I was planning to have this done before Christmas, but the version I found had a part deleted. So I had to get the DVD. I am glad I did, because the picture quality is better and this is absolutely a so-bad-its-good movie.

This movie starts with Will (Kirk Cameron) telling his father that if he wants to be a pig farmer, he doesn't  have to go to college. This was in 1991.

Will also says he wants to do something good for the world. Like being a pig farmer or Saving Christmas (2015).

Violet, his sister, runs to tell her mother that she ate two pieces of Will's birthday cake.

They are at a graveyard. If you're thinking that this will be a respectful portrayal of developmental disabilities, you don't know who Kirk Cameron is.

"I ate two whole pieces of Will's birthday cake. Will has 18 now, but Papa says I'm still the oldest because I have 22."

The graveyard setting foreshadows the true genre of this movie: horror.

I've joked about non-horror movie being horror movies before. But trust me, this is actually a horror movie.

On the drive back, Will proposes making a man-made lake and creating a recreational center around it. The family enters an orphanage called Hamlin House.

Edwina, the owner, announces that the orphanage is closing at the end of the year and the children will be transfered to the Raskin Facility. Maybe if the sign was easier to read, the orphanage would be more successful. White letters on a clear background?

Back at home, Violet rides a stationery bike as her father reads her a book about Edward V and the Duke of York. Will comes in and mentions that when an elephant herd finds an orphan, they don't always adopt it. Violet quips that if Will were an elephant, nobody would have adopted him.

Wow, five minutes into the movie and I already hate all the characters.

Also, that's one of the clumsiest ways to establish that Will is an orphan.

Will talks to the pigs about his fear of getting older. Violet comes in and says that pigs can't talk and also their father is sleeping in the truck.

Cut to the funeral. The eulogy is quite amazing. It's mostly about how the world isn't fair. It's difficult for me to choose just one line.

"The world didn't turn out fair, so God made Cecil Loomis to raise a son who was not his own at birth, to raise a daughter different from the rest of us to be educated, productive, and an asset to her community."

This would have been a much more natural way to reveal that Will is an orphan than the elephants, but oh, well.

Will covers up their fathers camper, which symbolizes their father's death. Then Violet dresses up like a princess to go trick-or-treating. I think. Some time later (this movie doesn't depict time well), Will reads Violet the story of the Trojan Horse. This connects to how a Halloween movie hid inside the DVD case of a Christmas movie.

At dinner, Violet casually proposes going to heaven to see Mama and Papa. The music soars just to remind us that this is not a horror movie.

Will tries to get Violet to take care of the pigs, but she freaks out when she gets mud on her clothes.

Cut to Violet holding up a cherry for a long time and then eating it.

Jenny Robertson's performance is similar Juliette Lewis' in The Other Sister. I bring this up here because I think this scene should have been in The Other Sister. It's so obvious- have Carla Tate stare at a cherry longingly towards the beginning and then eat it. This foreshadows the "important" scene where Carla loses her virginity.

That would have been the most subtle scene in The Other Sister.

Violet and Will are at a drug store. The pharmacist gives us some exposition about the Hamlin house. even though the Hamlin house is shutting down, the state is still sending more orphans.

The pharmacist gives Will some sedatives for Carla's tantrums called Occumsrazorin, warning that an overdose could cause her to sleep for a week.

I think that the next part is funny, but I'm not sure if A Little Piece of Heaven has just lowered my standards for humor. A woman comes in with a small child and hands the pharmacist a pill bottle because she can't open the child-proof cap.

The child cries because she wants a ballerina calendar. In response, the mother rips up a magazine her girl has and slaps her. But I'm more interested in this subtle indication of the time of year,

The ice-cream vendor tells Will that Mrs. Olander always slaps her kids. Violet says something thematically relevant. I think. It's not coherent:


"Will, do you think that moon's at school because it's too many stars?"


At night, Violet prays for God to not make Christmas so lonely that year, unknowingly  jump-starting the sadistic scheme of this horror movie to kidnap kids and ends with a quirky

"A-women...and men"

God nullifies the prayer because he's not into this feminism thing.

This may be stereotyping, but I just don't see Kirk Cameron being concerned with gender-inclusive language.

A television reporter announces that every 13 seconds, a parent or caretaker abuses a child and that a baby girl just died after being abandoned.

"One wonders whether it will ever be possible to make laws to teach people who understand enough about themselves and the people they love to make 'heaven on earth' more than an expression. Perhaps the answer lies in each and every one of us to ask ourselves, as individuals, 'what can I do?'"

I went back over that several times and I still have no idea what he is trying to communicate.

This inspires Will to go to Hamlin House and...do something.

Edwina introduces Will to Janet, the state-appointed official who will transition kids to the Raskin Facility. She calls the facility a hellhole.

I was considering putting a "Subtle" after that line but I can't. This movie is amazing.

Edwina leaves with Will, mentioning that Janet "goes by the book but isn't all terrible." Janet hears.

In the very next scene, Janet brings Will a piece of cake as he goes through a file cabinet. This is the movie's philosophy: "tell, then show." Will finds the file of an orphan who is coming the next day.

In the background, the kids sing "this old man came rolling home." It's so clever because Will has had to grow up quickly now that his old man died, so he comes back to the home he grew up in.

After the next plot point, I had to look at the DVD to confirm that this is a family movie.

Will crushes up the Occamsrazorium and puts it inside the cake to give to the new orphan.

Drugging orphans with prescription sedatives: Suitable for all family viewing.

Will promises Violet that she won't be lonely at Christmas. Violet wants to go to Heaven to see their parents. Not a horror movie.

Will infiltrates the orphanage to kidnap secretly adopt the new kid. The music honestly sounds like the climax of a thriller. This movie is amazing. Will uses chickens to lure the orphans out (as you usually do) and finds the bed of the new kid.

What's the twist?

Kirk Cameron: You're Black?!

He's only upset because now he can't claim he is his cousin. He is not racist.

I would have thought that Will would have known this from the file if he got to his weight, but this isn't the worst part. You know what the worst part about this is?

"These children are orphans.
And orphans don't have parents."

Also, he leaves some baseball cards behind.

Janet and Edwina are understandably upset. Apparently, the new kid is a runaway.

Edwina: His color should keep him from getting too far in the community

Oh, a double meaning with biting social commentary.

Violet is upset that she got a boy for Christmas. Beggars, choosers, etc.

She is more upset when she learns that he came from the Hamlin House. Will explains that the boy has a history of running away, so they will just think he ran away again. Oh, that makes it better.

Ready for a nuanced portrayal of a young boy of color?

After learning that his cards are back at the House, Salem Bordeaux asks for his shoes so he can go get them back.

Will: Your shoes?

Salem: What's wrong with you man? You retarded?

Violet: No, he's my brother and I'm developmentally disabled.

Salem: That's a retard!

I did not know that A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) would have a scene I would actually laugh at. This truly is a Christmas Miracle.

Salem is confused because there are no bars on the windows. Will says he arranged for Will to come to his house.

Will: With just you and me and Violet and the pigs.

Salem: The cops!

Salem tries to leave and get the cards, but Will wants to make him stay. What would a rational person do?

Will informs Salem that he died in a fire and this is Heaven.

Violet eats cereal more quickly. This movie has good comedic timing.

At Hamlin house, Edwina informs the policeman that she impersonated his voice and reported the disappearance as a kidnapping to the FBI. I hope that the FBI has ways to detect this sort of thing. The policeman tells Edwina that that was "wrong"

Back to Salem. I have never been in his situation, but I think that I would have a lot of questions.

Like: "Why are we three the only ones in heaven?". "Do people on Earth know?

Salem asks how each of them died.

Will says he was shot in a bank robbery,

Violet says she ate too much and exploded
.
His second question is why he doesn't get a halo.

Salem is upset that his cards burned in the fire because he stole some of them.

Finally, Salem questions the lack of African-Americans. Kirk Cameron complains about affirmative action.

Later, Salem and Will play checkers inside. Will theorizes that this is actually Hell. 'This' is watching A Little Piece Of Heaven (1991).

 Given that Salem thinks Will is some sort of angel, clearly, A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is paying homage to Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal (1957).

Salem demands to go to Hell instead. Violet says Will should have gotten a girl.

FBI agent Jack Daniels comes to Hamlin house to talk to Edwina. A young girl complains that a boy told her nobody would marry her because of her ears. Edwina tells her to tell him that she'll rip off his head and spit down his neck. I think this is supposed to be funny because the FBI agent is right next to her.

 Jack Daniels watches TV. Edwina finds Salem's baseball card collection under his pillow.

So...the FBI agent comes to investigate and sits down to watch TV before going up to the bedroom of the boy in question?

Edwina tells Jack Daniels that Salem was kidnapped because he left his baseball cards behind.

A mysterious person leaves a basket at the door of Heaven. It's cookies.

Kids, if you find a strange basket of cookies on your doorstep, definitely eat them.

Also, feed them to your dog. And dolls.

Violet is upset that Salem swears and Will keeps telling her to lie. Heaven sure lowered its standards.

Salem goes to the barn and a pig attacks him.

Just wondering what Salem thinks of the pigs. Does he think they are dead? If so, are they the only dead pigs who go to heaven? Are all the other pigs not in heaven or in different parts of heaven? And what happens when they breed? Or die? Doesn't Will make pork? How does he explain killing the dead pigs?

Violet watches Will hook up a phone. Will warns Violet not to tell Salem about the phone, because it might confuse him.

That will confuse him, not the pigs.

Dinnertime. Salem refuses to eat anything.

Will tells Salem that a lot of people would be happy to have a meal like this. Will is extremely confused about keeping up this "being dead" thing up. Why doesn't Salem ask why he has to eat?

Salem throws a tantrum, Violet runs away, and Will snaps at Salem.

Will goes to comfort Violet and Violet casually asks Will to swing 'round the orphanage and pick up a girl for Christmas. I sure hope there is a girl at the orphanage with a history of running away

Every time this movie delves into the creepiness of the concept, there's some sentimental music the reassure the viewer that this is heartwarming.

Will dresses up as an angel to infiltrate the orphanage. So he'll be less conspicuous.

If this was a competent movie, the angel costume would be Violet's Halloween costume.

I thought that this is the orphanage, but it is actually Hazel Olander's house, the abused girl in the store. Will tosses a rock to a window and gets Hazel,

If this weren't Kirk Cameron, this would be incredibly, incredibly disturbing.

Will tells Hazel that he is her guardian angel to take her to heaven. Hazel died last night when her appendix burst.

Hazel is confused because her mom told her that she would burn in hell. Will assures Hazel that kids never go to Hell.

Hazel misses a great opportunity to ask whether this includes LGBTQ+ kids.

I hope that St. Peters asks people their genders before they go into Heaven. Dying should negate the assigned gender at birth. Of course, this assumes that non-cis people get into Heaven. In a review of a Kirk Cameron movie.

Discount Pearly Gates.

The movie is more than halfway over and I have one main complaint:

Why did TV stations waste my time every year with A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas when I could have watched Kirk Cameron dressed as an angel kidnap an little girl, tell her that her appendix burst, and take her to Heaven?

Will deposites Hazel in the bed next to Violet. This movie is so creepy, I'm surprised he didn't wrap her up and put her under the tree.

I hope he gets her a ballerina calender.

Will takes Salem to the barn to shoot diseased birds. Here comes the "death in heaven" question.

Salem: How comes there's disease in heaven?

Will: Well, no place is perfect. Now if the pigs drink the water that's infected by the starlings, they'll die.

Salem: Pig's already dead.

Finally, the kid is pointing out the plot holes.

Will deflects this with some rhetoric about "recycling" and leaves Salem alone with the gun.

At the orphanage, Janet and Edwina are upset about another kidnapping. Edwina decides to go check on Mrs. Olander.

Violet wakes up to her Christmas present, and immediately asks what happened to her face.

Hazel lies and says she lives in a big house and fell down the stairs, but now she's dead.

Violet reacts.

It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie.


At dinner, Will says he bought some new clothes. Neither Hazel nor Salem question the existence of stores.

Then Carrie, the obvious love interest new neighbor, knocks on the door and throws a huge wrench in the heaven facade. Will tries to talk to her with Salem standing behind him. This could be a humorous scene if it didn't contain possibly one of the worst dialogue exchanges I've ever heard.

Will: Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Carrie: Sounds like a TV show.

This movie is amazing.

Will tells Carrie that Salem has the measles. He tells Salem that Carrie could either be an angel or a spy, and they don't want to risk letting her in.

Maybe A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) has some deep theological relevancy using the farm as an allegory for heaven and the next-door neighbor as...

Will goes outside to talk to Carrie. Carrie informs Will that she is the one who left the cookies. She also left her number in the basket.

I never would have guessed that this movie would involve Kirk Cameron trying to conceal that he kidnapped two kids in order to get with his new neighbor from the poster.

Will tells Salem that Carrie is an angel. Salem asks whether they have romance in heaven and high-fives Will.

I get that this is a Kirk Cameron family movie (which advocates kidnapping kids and telling them that they are dead), but I just think Salem would ask something more explicit to warrant a high-five.

This also raises the LGBTQ question again.

Edwina calls. Violet answers and tells her that she made a lemon-meringue pie and asks if she can drop it off in an hour or so.

At a café, Edwina and the FBI Agent Jack Daniels casually talk about the case. Edwina complains that Hazel's dad was a drunk. Jack Daniels announces he was adopted, which somehow convinces Edwina to tell Jack Daniels that Will has a key to the orphanage. Can I just point out that this is in a public café and she's talking to an FBI agent?

One of the last refuges in the War On Christmas

Violet tells Hazel that she also fell down stairs when she was young. Her mom thought that that was what "made her age stick", but the doctors said it was from when she was born.

"Making her age stick" is the euphamism for "developmentally disabled."

Hazel reveals that she didn't fall down stairs. Her daddy hit her. Violet hugs her.

This is bizzare. In any non-Kirk Cameron movie, this would be the start of Stockholm Syndrome

Will has to leave for "something" He assures Violet that nothing bad will happen while he is gone.

Doing all the horror movie cliches.

Violet guesses correctly that Will is going to see Carrie. The other horror movie about religious fanaticism.

Jack Daniels wants to do fingerprint analysis on Salem's files, as he sees smudges and knows that Will was in the file room. He and Edna go to "Heaven."

At a bar, Carrie asks Will how Violet will take of herself if Will goes to college.

An early example of Kirk Cameron using
the chocolate drink motif.

Will doesn't know because he doesn't think Violet will be able to go out and kidnap children herself.

Carrie and Will simultaneously ask "Do you want to have a family?"

I feel like this isn't first date conversation, and the "two kidnapped children" might be a deal-breaker.

Jack Daniels and Edna talk about Will on the way to "heaven". Cecil says she and her husband adopted him because they couldn't have children. That's how they started the orphanage. And then t the Loomises adopted Will because they didn't want to risk having another child after Violet.

You have to brush your teeth in heaven?

A knock on the door. In another totally-not-a-horror-movie-scene, Violet tells Salem and Hazel to hide quietly upstairs while she slowly walks downstairs to the door.

With the suspenseful music.

Holding her toothbrush,

She talks to Jack Daniels and Edna, insisting that she and Will have the measles.

Jack Daniels and Edna ask if they are alone. Violet replies that Mom and Dad are in Heaven.

After they leave, she admits that Will lied.

A Little Piece Of Heaven (1991) could do a better job portraying developmentally disabled people as capable of keeping kidnapped children.

The next day, Salem explains to Will that two "bad angels" tried to get into the house.

Then he complains that in heaven, the FBI can just come right to your door instead of having to sneak around like on Earth.

Jack Daniels, Edna, and Janet talk about the case *in front of a playground full of kids*

Edna insists that Violet wouldn't lie.

Jack Daniels: Maybe Violet didn't lie. Maybe she never saw Salem or Hazel. Maybe they're not alive.

Will confronts Violet in the barn about the FBI agents. Carrie just walks right into the barn without announcing herself. (?)

Salem asks if he should get the gun.

Hazel asks Carrie how she died.Will manages to get Carrie to leave and tells her to come back in a few hours. He tells Violet, Salem, and Hazel that they have to go somewhere else.

Jack Daniels reveals to Edna that he called in backup agents to go the the Loomis' house because Will might be dangerous.

Will, Violet, Salem and Hazel pack everything into their father's camper and leave. Will leaves a note for Carrie. It's probably something like this:

Dear Carrie,

I'm on a run from the FBI because I kidnapped two children and told them that they died. I'll have to postpone our date. I hope you understand.

Love,
Will

Salem sits on the floor in the front seat as Will drives. He holds up a gun.

Will tells him to put it under the seat. Then Will admits that he lied, they aren't dead, this is Earth, and the FBI are chasing them.

Maybe don't tell him this while you know he has a gun?

Jack Daniels, Edna, and the agents investigate the Loomis' house. Edna finds a strand of Hazel's hair on the pillow and brings it downstairs.

I'm not positive about this, but I just assumed that they don't let non-FBI agents into a crime scene in case they do something like pick up a hair strand with their bare hands.

She even takes off her gloves.

And these guys have gloves on.

Salem is kind of upset that he's been with a kidnapper instead of an angel. Will insists he is not a kidnapper, which is true if you redefine "kidnapper" to mean "someone who doesn't kidnap."

Salem says he doesn't believe in God because He never answered his prayers.

Will: Of course God answered your prayers, Salem. He said no.

Best Christmas Horror Movie Villains

Jack Daniels tells Edwina that Will is one of the "sickies" who seems normal and nice until "he's killed himself after he's opened fire on a schoolyard full of children."

While on the run from the FBI, Will runs out of gas and has to stay over an empty motel. Salem finds a pocketknife and letter in the camper and hands them to Will.

The filmmakers have to know what they are doing, right? They can't be this oblivious. One scene after suggesting Will could commit suicide, Salem gives him a knife.

The letter is from his birth mother. A knock on the door. It's Carrie.

Will called Carrie and told her where they were without Salem, Hazel, or Violet knowing. in this small motel.

Carrie asks why Will did "this."

And any thought of this movie being self-aware leaves as the most sentimental music plays and Will looks off into the distance. Of the bathroom.

BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Will says he did it all because he just wanted a family. So a woman is in the bath of a motel with a man with a traumatic childhood (and a knife) who attempts to artificially maintain a family after the death of his guardian by...

I'm trying to make the reference subtle but I can't.

BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Carrie reads the letter out loud, which gives the absolutely amazing story of Will's birth mother:

Evelyn Millicent Kent was a blind 13 year-old who tried to "make grown-ups" (actual euphemism) with Gerald H. Bearings. She got pregnant, and Gerald got sent to military school. Since she needed help with simple things, she gave Will to the orphanage.

This movie gives me so much joy.

I recommend looking up Kirk Cameron's views on premarital "making grown-ups."

Exactly four seconds after Carrie stops reading the letter, Jack Daniels announces over a megaphone that the FBI has surrounded the motel and confiscated his weapons. They give him four minutes to come out of the house and release the hostages.

Merry Christmas?

Will uses over three of the minutes to explain that whole "this isn't Heaven and I messed up" to Hazel.

Actual stuffed lamb.
 Symbolism doesn't have to be subtle.

They try to have a sentimental moment when the FBI is about to raid the motel in thirty seconds.

Will leaves the motel with his arms up and the only reason his arms aren't out like a cross is realism.

Carrie, Violet, Salem, and Hazel walk outside.  Salem raises his hands, claiming they are family, and the others follow.

This is all punctuated with victorious music .

The FBI arrests Will.

I'm no expert on the legal system, but I'm almost positive this movie takes some...liberties.

I assume this is a bench trial? But why would the victims be there? Wouldn't they be with a trauma specialist? Or at least NOT RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR KIDNAPPER?

We skip right to the verdict.

Hint: It's guilty.

Judge: You will serve a jail sentence of not less than-

Salem: Excuse me, Judge.

Salem explains that Will isn't a criminal because he knows real criminals from when he grew up.

Hazel says that Will has a really nice house and Violet was her sister there.

Violet explains that their parents are dead.

Salem: Judge, did you ever have someone be really nice to you

The judge changes his sentence. Will has to have his house open to orphans 365 days under the supervision of Edna. It will be called "The Cecil Loomis Home for Children."

Okay, the Judge clearly forgot law school and based his judgement on a bizarre interpretation of a song from The Mikado.

The only sensible thing about this is that the court will be responsible for bringing orphans to the orphanage.

Everyone gathers in the barn and watches a newborn piglet.

A token black pig.

Violet names the pig Heaven.

When they finally turn it into bacon, they can say "Can I have A Little Piece of Heaven (1991)?"

Violet tells Will that he makes a good father. Will smiles at the camera.

Just pointing it out...

Shot of the pigs and end credits.

A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is quite amazing. I try not to use the term "so-bad-it's-good" too often, and this is one of the few movies that I've covered that is so-bad-it's-good. Watching the movie is like having an internal battle over whether it is aware of how disturbing it is. Overall, I believe that it is not self-aware, but some parts of the movie are so blatant that I doubted myself. Also, Kirk Cameron is no Anthony Perkins.