Cancel Christmas

Finding a Christmas movie with someone with a disability that I would want to write about was difficult.

The best company to go to when you want to find niche holiday products is not Hallmark ^tm. But Cancel Christmas is a Hallmark ^tm product.

It starts with a spin on "The Night Before Christmas." This is the summary:

The board of directors in Atlanta blames Santa for a loss of Christmas spirit. This is a great criticism on corporate America taking over Christmas. Brought to you by Hallmark ^tm.

Santa and Randall, the elf, had 30 days to install Christmas spirit into three boys, or they will cancel Christmas. Just three boys in Atlanta are the linchpins that will hold Christmas together. I don't want to make any judgments on Hallmark ^tm, but I have the odd feeling that they will be three white boys. I do know that one of them will be in a wheelchair.

This is Santa Claus. Constance, a bureaucrat, says that they had to cut back on the board. They are upset that the Christmas spirit is lost because kids are too selfish.

Santa (atlas) shrugs. Constance accuses Santa of perpetuating the culture of materialism.

There is a reason this is a TV movie instead of being shown in theaters. Hallmark ^tm couldn't project onto the screen any more than they currently are.

Constance is upset that kids sit on Santa's knee, tell them what they want, and he just gives it to them.

Santa  asks whether is is "about the party". Nice subtle planting of the plot thread.

Constance orders Santa to step down because they are canceling Christmas. However, they will keep him around for merchandising. It is in his contract that he has to foster a spirit of Christmas year round. They missed a "Santa Claus" contract joke opportunity.

This agency has files on all the white Christians and they mark whether they are naughty or nice. This is why we should have passed the Santa Open Policy Act. (SOPA)

Farley Morgan and Steven Rojack were hellions NAUGHTY

Adam Claymore is different. He was put into a wheelchair last year from a car accident that killed father. NICE

Constance gives Santa three rules. Keep them in mind, because they will not reappear.

1. He must provide evidence that his actions foster the Christmas spirit.

2. He prohibited from revealing his true identity.

3. He gets a 2010 phone. It will ring if he succeeds at helping any of the three boys.

This is elf Randall. He was "doing research" (creepy) and give USB to Santa. Santa has a laptop. The joke is that Santa is using modern technology

These are their disguises. Their names are Chris Frost and Elf Mann. It's humorous.


At school, two kids named Farley and Steven greet each other. I assume so, as they are friends and neither are in a wheelchair.

One of them asks whether the other has something, and he confirms. Suspense!

This is Adam's mother. She is on a cell phone to indicate that she is a bad mother,

This is Adam. His mother tries to push him, but Adam claims he can do it by himself. She looks sad. Relationship=Established.

I have no idea what elementary school "hellions" did in 2010, but hallmark does! There is a balloon.

A janitor named Mr Johnson greets Adam's mother, who is a teacher. Of course. Mr Jones says that Adam is a good boy. She says that most kids are basically good. Mr. Jones opens the door and the water balloon hits him.

See, this is ironic, because first he says kids are good. Then a kid does something bad. Contrast=humor

Mrs. Claymore sends Farley and Steven to the principal's office. Either Farley or Steven says that his father gave "about a bajillion dollars to the school", so the principal will let him off. Hallmark ^tm KNOWS how elementary school bullies acted in 2014

Santa Claus applies for a job at the school. Sure is lucky that they are hiring. The hiring manager claims that Kris Frost has an impressive resume. Santa has had the same job for...probably hundreds of years. Don't employers want to see some dedication to improving oneself?

Elf Mann suggests that Mr. Johnson resigns and hands him a flier for career opportunities in the North Pole.

He accepts and gives Elf Mann the mop. Because that's how hiring in middle schools works.

The principal says that she would love to hire Chris Frost, but they already have a janitor. Because that's how hiring in middle schools work. You give interviews for positions that aren't open.

At that moment, the phone rings and the principal learns that the janitor accepted a job up north. She doesn't question it, and hires Frost on the spot.

Frost asks if they can also hire Elf Mann if he works for free. Because there are no labor laws in this universe. Hallmark^tm, you have a confusing agenda..

Mrs. Claymore introduces herself to Frost and conveniently warns him about Farley Morgan.

Mrs. Claymore was renting out her garage to Mr. Johnson. Now that Mr. Johnson is gone, she needs rent money to make ends meet. Frost asks if he and Mann can stay there.

I thoroughly dislike how convenient this is.

The background music drowns out the dialogue frequently. That's annoying

Mrs Claymore enters the principal's office and is angry that she let Farley and Steven off with a warning.

The principal says that Farley lost his mother over a year ago and that's why they are going easy on him.

Frost and Mann walk down the hallway. Mann complains that the decorations in the box he is holding are second-rate. The lesson here is that it is impossible to spread holiday cheer without spending more money on better presents.

Farley and Steven walk down the same hallway because this movie loves having characters meet each other randomly. Farley Morgan tells Frost that his father donates to the school. Then he breaks some ornaments. Because  Hallmark^tm still doesn't know how middle-school bullies behave.

Frost tells Farley that he "knows a lot about him", adding the creepy authoritarian overtones of  Hallmark^tm Santa.

Mrs Claymore shows Mann and Frost their room. I may be overthinking this, but can Santa Claus and his Elf assume human form and get employment and housing with no apparent identification in 2010?

Frost and Mann boot up the laptop and there is some really clever comedy where Frost tries to put the USB into the keyboard instead of the side. The joke is that Santa Claus is old and doesn't understand modern technology.

The creepiness of this entire premise increases with Santa's files

NSA=[Inter]national Santa Agency


The files tell us that Farley's best grades are in science. Cut to Farley working on his science fair project. This movie ignores "show, don't tell" and even "tell, don't show" in favor of "Tell, then show"

Farley's dad won't come back for science fair.

Adam is sulking on the front porch when Frost comes to dinner. Frost offers to push Adam in, but he claims that he can do it himself.

Of course, he gets stuck in the doorway because his mom has to push him.

His mom can't put in a ramp because of the mortgage and medical bills.

The sound mixing is awful. The carols go over the dialogue.

Mann asks if Adam told Santa what he wants. Adam says he doesn't believe in Santa Claus.


Frost looks offended.

Mrs Claymore says that they don't believe in Santa because he is always portrayed as fat and Caucasian.

This dialogue might be somewhat witty if I could hear it over the caroling

Frost says that he believes in Santa as long as there are children who believe in him. That's probably philosophical if I could hear it over the caroling.

The screen transitions in this are creative/annoying. When Adam gets dessert, it shows teeth biting over the screen.

Frost doesn't know about workplace prioritization and says he has a moral responsibility to make Mrs. Claymore and Adam believe in. You could say he is biting off more than he can chew. So far, Hallmark ^tm has chosen to portray Santa as an authoritarian who is so insecure he can't tolerate people not believing in him.

Frost and Mann use their Christmas magic power of Fast-Forward to decorate the school. The middle-schoolers all come in amazed as if they have never seen Christmas decorations before. Remember this is a private middle school.

Farley and Steven are understandably perturbed that the new janitor knows about their personal life. Mrs. Claymore warns them about not doing any more pranks or she will go to the school board. With almost an hour left, I think this is what will happen.

Mrs. Claymore calls up Farley's father to set up a meeting because Farley is acting up, but he is in San Francisco. Farley's father comes up with the brilliant line "You're his teacher, not his therapist."  This line is so brilliant that Mrs. Claymore repeats it after they hang up so Hallmark ^tm knows we have heard it.

Farley goes into Principal Barnes' office and sets down a cup of coffee for here. I was curious, so I zoomed all the way in to see if I could read the brand name on the cup, but I couldn't.

This is the sort of detail I value when writing about these movies.

Farley says he is doing a report on Mr. Frost and needs some information. Barnes says a she can tell him is that his first name is Kris. Farley casually brings up the gym renovations his dad is planning, and Barnes reveals that the last place Frost worked is True North Industrial. This is the oddest school.

Also, this brings up an important plot hole but fails to address it: how did Frost get hired with no paperwork?

Farley and Steven look up True North Industrial Group and show Frost that he has no profile. Probably because they didn't look up True North Industrial Resources.

Frost motions to Mann, who uses the magic of fast-forwards to quickly make a profile. This kind of contradicts the whole "not knowing how to use modern technology" gag, but whatever.

Frost now works as a department store Santa. The movie could show some sort of plot progression, but decides to just cut to a girl on his lap. Santa has an earpiece microphone, adding to the creepy surveillance undertones.

Frost asks the girl (Heather) what she is going to give her mother for Christmas. Heather looks rightfully pissed off that she stood in line for a scam.

Got the twist! Christmas was going to be cancelled because the board couldn't afford to fund Santa's workshop for the increased demand. "Fostering the spirit of Christmas by giving" is corporate speak for "outsource production to kids." Hallmark ^tm  movies are so predictable.


Farley almost finishes his science project when his father calls to say he can't make it. The moral here is that bullies can be forgiven if they have a neglectful family.

So far, this movie has been relatively inoffensive. Let's throw that away. On TV, a news reporter says that the new Santa has some odd powers.

Man, this movie is six years ahead of its time and way too optimistic.

Frost tells Mann that people see in Santa the best parts of themselves. Somehow this got all the way up Hallmark ^tm without any raised eyebrows.

Farley and Steven break in to the circuit breaker and open it up so that they can sabotage the science fair. Sparks fly out. Mann and Frost start laughing. They put fireworks in the circuit breaker. Liability suits are so funny!

They threaten to report the break in to the police. Then they make a deal where Farley and Steven do something for them and they won't report it. Santa loves blackmail.


At the science fair, Farley just has an empty table. Mrs Claymore decides that this is her Moral Duty ^tm . She calls in Steven to her office and asks "Why do you work so had at convincing people you are a bad guy?"

She tries to cover this up with something about studying her students they are studying her lessons but it comes across as more authoritarian

Mrs. Claymore converts Steven by saying she would harmed by catapult. Way to do Santa's job.

So, the moral is that teachers just have to tell bullies that they are good people and  they will stop bullying. Thank you, Hallmark ^tm.

Santa and Steven are working on a wheelchair ramp.Converted bullies=free labor.

Forgot to mention that this is rated G

Farley's dog walks up to Adam's porch. Farley follows and introduces himself to Adam. This story would be more effective if he knew Adam.

Farley asks Adam what happened and Adam replies car accident. Farley says he is sorry. So Farley is a more nuanced bully than the one in Nico the Unicorn. And Stephen King's bully characters.

If I was being blackmailed into going to someone's house, I would become more of a bully.

Mrs. Claymore says that she and Farley's father need to talk. I think she is overstepping her bounds as a teacher.

Cut to...a news station. There is an establishing shot, so we know it s a news station.

Constance (remember her?) calls in with a tip about the race-switching Santa. She forgot about the not revealing true identity. Her so-called "tip" is that she encourages them to stick with her story.

The camera zooms in on a plant and out on Frost, Mann, and Steven working on wood. Okay. The transitions in this are weird.

Farley comes in with four mugs. He VERY creepily stops Frost from taking one and takes it for himself, and then pours it out. Does Hallmark ^tm feel comfortable implying drugging cocoa?

They finish working and Farley and Morgan leave. This cocoa thing better be relevant, Through the magic of fast-forward on a clock, the ramp is finished.

Adam can't get up the ramp. Anti-climax.  Farley ties the dog to the wheelchair and he pulls him up. Seems really inconvenient, especially since it is Farley's dog.

Steven stays behind. So the Christmas present is ADA compliance?

At home, Farley talks to Steven on the phone claiming he "has it, fingerprints and all," holding up a bag of powder. That is the second time this movie has implied drug use, what's up with that. Hallmark ^tm?

According to family movies, cross-dressing is humor. Mann dresses up as a grandmother and pops into the airport to convince Farley's father to come home. He makes up a story about her grandson who lost his mother and fell into depression, stopped doing well in school, and whose father didn't go to meetings with the teacher. Very subtle.

Airlines give discounts for guilt-trips

Mann disappears. The camera pans to show some white fluff in case we didn't realize it wasn't a vision? Farley's father switches his flight to go home instead of to his next business meeting.

I took the liberty to research Hallmark ^tm employee benefits with regards to flexible vacation time. Let's just say that they are projecting again.

Mann tells Frost that he is never doing drag again because Hallmark ^tm thinks cross dressing is hilarious in 2010. Steven comes in with a magazine about electric wheelchairs. The only problem is raising enough money.

There are only nine days left until christmas, and Steven puts an arbitrary deadline of Christmas. The lesson here is that accessibility is a luxury and can be a Christmas present.

At lunch, Farley offers to have his dad pay for a wheelchair, but Steven says they should raise the funds themselves. The lesson here is that accessibility is not as important as an artificial sense of rugged individualism.

The movie is approaching it's third act, so Steven spontaneously snaps and reveals the big twist. Ready?

Steven was the one driving that night.

Oh wait, I mean Farley's mother was in a wheelchair.

Farley watches a tape of his mother talking to him about how she will watch him from Heaven.

Steven goes around with fliers to a fundraiser/charity. It's a bake sale I remember when my middle-school bake sale raised enough money for an electric wheelchair.

Farley comes home and greet his dad warmly by accusing him of not spending enough time with him.

Farley's dad is good at reading signals in relationships and concludes that Farley is angry at him. He snaps back that he has been struggling losing his wife. The third act is when all of the emotional confrontations that haven't been building up resolve.

Mrs. Claymore acts as therapist. She tells him that the janitor talked Farley and Steven into building the ramp.

Mrs. Claymore tells Farley's dad that she lost her husband. I ship them. She recommends he talks to someone.

In case that wasn't subtle enough, a heart transitions to the next scene.

Farley and Steven get into a fight because Steven likes paintball and Farley doesn't. Okay. It's actually because of Frost.

This has nothing to do with anything, but the girls' skirts are uncomfortably short.

Farley gives Adam a booklet about getting a dog.

At the bake sale, Mrs. Claymore buys a muffin for five dollars. She doesn't know it is going towards the wheelchair.

Hold up. The baked goods are obviously priced at a premium because it is going to a good cause. People will only pay the premium if they know it is going to that cause, so the students will have had to promote it as such. So how come Mrs. Claymore doesn't know it is going to the wheelchair?

Hallmark ^tm , how can you not know about business? Huge plot hole, 0/10,

Steven subtly says "What goes around comes around"

Steven goes up to Farley's father, who is still surprised that his son helped with the wheelchair ramp. Hallmark ^tm is okay with blackmail for free labor if it goes to a good cause.

Steven gives Farley his business plan and basically says "Find a company that will give us money."

Back at the news station, the reporter somehow figures out that Frost is the real Santa based on fingerprints.

The news reports that department store Santas are asking kid's what they want to give instead of get. Also, this is bad because it will reveal Frost's identity or something.

The new fundraising is car wash. This makes sense because everyone loves car washes in December.

Adam asks Frost if he believes in Santa. He says Santa is in the spirit of giving and you don't need much money to do.

This is the moral of the Hallmark ^tm  movie where the final act is people raising money.

Dumb middle-schoolers are being dumb and having a water fight at the car wash.

Dear Hallmark,

The authoritarian Santa Claus gives this TV movie enough creepy undertones. The middle-school girls in mini-skirts go too far.

Steven gives Frost the check for the wheelchair money. Frost "reveals" his true identity to Steven by saying "Merry Christmas, Ho Ho Ho." Okay.


Adam tries to make Christmas dinner but everything falls out of the cabinet. He cries that he can't do anything right. Ten minutes left, can we set up a character conflict and resolve it?

Farley's father is watching the video of his wife and crying. Farley comes in and they have some sort of heart-felt talk. I'm not really paying attention, but the gist is that his father asks for a second chance.

At Adam's house, the news media comes for the reveal of the wheelchair.

They lure Adam out with caroling.

Farley starts to say "All these dudes..." and then corrects himself with "All these people." Way to marginalize Elf Mann.

You were expecting them to get an electric wheelchair that could go up the steep ramp? No, they bough him a wheelchair that can climb stairs.

Um, kind of negated the whole thing with building the ramp?

Farley's father and Adam's mom get into a relationship.

Mann, Frost, and Constance forget the entire not revealing thing and transform to their original forms.

Constance renews the contract. Remember the hint at the beginning of her tragic backstory?

I didn't.

The tragic back story is...she didn't get a pony when she was 7.

Santa gives her a pony, then rides off into the night. It starts snowing. The End.


Cancel Christmas is every generic Christmas family film boiled down into an inoffensive* package.

I mean...

Cancel Christmas is a magical Christmas experience for the whole family to watch in a house with Hallmark ^tm decoration after exchanging Hallmark ^tm Christmas Cards.

*Except the whole race thing. Seriously, what was that about?

Laborers with Disabilities in Care Bears: A Marxist Analysis

                       

                         

                The Gift of Caring is a Care Bears episode that examines the role of people with disabilities in the labor force of a modern capitalist society.  This episode begins with the bourgeois Care Bears driving a cloud car built on the surplus labor of numerous exploited workers.  A meter in the car alerts them that the caring level is too low, ironically ignorant of its origins in the uncaring alienating capitalist mode of production. The Care Bears land in a hospital, where the State tends for members of the proletariat unable to work to mask the structurally ableist capitalistic systems in place and prevent Marxist thought. A young girl in a wheelchair is stuck making care baskets for the entire hospital, a subtle jab at the inefficient division of labor in capitalism. The Care Bears offer to bring her to the Hall of Hearts. The Hall of Hearts is an Orwellian euphemism for “sweatshop” that brings to mind the exploitation people with disabilities face when they are paid less than the value of their labor. Clearly, the Care Bears are a metaphor for the Industrial Revolution. Under the capitalist mode of production, workers with disabilities are dehumanized because they tend to offer less labor-power than able-bodied workers.  The Care Bears pretend to offer more opportunities for economic independence for people with disability, but just contribute to the cycle of poverty and exploitation.

                The episode introduces the “villains”: Uncle Noheart and his niece, Shrieky. Uncle Noheart offers Shrieky a rotten apple core if she can do something uncaring.  The rotten apple core represents political power. The cleverest part of this analysis of capitalism is the nature of these characters. The narrative implies that they are the villains, but using a Marxist critical lens, we see they are the State. The State is ultimately to be overthrown, but it is a crucial factor in seizing the means of production from the bourgeoisie. Thus, the “villains” are the ones who will liberate people with disabilities from the shackles of capitalism. Shrieky decides to sabotage the exploitative “Hall of Hearts.” Violent revolution may be inevitable to change the status quo and free laborers with disabilities. The girl is stuck on an assembly line, alienated from her work and unable to use her own unique set of skills effectively. Shrieky attempts to destroy the factory, but the Care Bears stop her and protect the capitalist system under the guise of protecting the laborers with disabilities. The episode ends on a “happy” note with all the other children in the hospital receiving baskets and the capitalist mode of production continues.

                People with disabilities are among the most marginalized people in the modern capitalist system. The Gift of Caring brilliantly depicts how capitalism inherently exploits people with disabilities and legislation such as the ADA only distracts from the structural problems.

Tombs of the Blind Dead

Trigger Warning- Sexual Assault

I've been saving these for Thanksgiving.

The Blind Dead collection is...I'm not really sure. But it did come in this neat case.

Even if these are a complete waste of time- I got the case.

And I have all four movies, so this isn't a Crimson Bat scenario.

Either whoever wrote the back of the case has a similar sense of humor as more or I am overthinking it.

• Long Unseen
• Eye-Possible

The scariest promise is the "forbidden sexuality" in a film series called the Blind Dead.

This is a good time to put an "18+" warning in this post, but you should have guessed that.'


Let's start with the first movie in this classic quartet- Tombs of the Blind Dead. I sure hope I can keep track of the canon between all four movies


This horror quartet starts in. a castle with horsemen carrying a girl. This symbol is going to be important, I think.

The horsemen bring the girl to their lair. The KKK sure has gone through some odd phases.


 This ritual is called the "We  got this blond girl for our movie, might as well show some skin" ritual.

If this is the extent of the "forbidden sexuality", I'm going to be disappointed.

This is called the "holy order of the blood ritual." Before she dies, we have to exploit her cleavage for the camera.

The ritual looks more like jousting. The one who loses has to do the chores for cult for a month,

The blind dead drink her blood and title. I have to give the movie credit for getting the "cult kills woman and drinks blood to become undead" backstory put of the way in three minutes.

The booklet claims that this scene is often censored because it contains
"sadistic close-ups of swords carving bloody slices into a woman's breasts."

I must be watching the wrong movie then, because the swords hit her breasts during wide shots and there is no blood until they drink.

The credits take place over some chanting to make us think this is going to be a serious movie. I'm sure I will learn a lot about the dangers of sacrificing women by the end of this.

We end the credits with a hand and woman screaming

Speaking of women, the movie decides to switch gears from Manos: the Hands of Fate to Generic Chick Flick. Not sure which one is scarier.

One bikini-clad girl calls out Betty, another bikini-clad girl. Betty exclaims "Virginia"

I like these Girls for giving me their names out so early.

Virginia asks Betty what she is doing in Lisbon. Betty says for business. Virginia says Betty looks great and asks if she remembers how Betty taught her to "fix the eyes" when they were in school.

That's got to be a clever reference to the Blind Dead, right?

Betty says she "remembers everything", which causes Virginia to turn away sadly.

I better learn this tragic backstory by the end of The Blind Dead 4: Night of the Seagulls

Betty says she makes mannequins for a living, using her hands to demonstrate the shape of women they hired for this series.

Virginia asks where the shop is. Betty says by the church cemetery. Clearly, she only takes the graveyard shift  during The After Hours.

Virginia exclaims "What a place to have business." Indicating that she thinks it is a dead-end job, but Betty doesn't mind working with a bunch of stiffs.


A man comes out of the pool. Virginia calls him Roger and introduces her to Betty, "an old friend who makes dummies"

Betty corrects her with "mannequins" Dummies is an ableist term.

Roger invites Betty to come camping with Virginia and him. Virginia protests that Betty doesn't like camping, and Betty says she doesn't want to intrude, but Rogers insists. Betty says sure and throws flirtatious glances over her shoulder to Virginia's stare

Her eyes could burn out the horsemen's.

Roger and Virginia wait by the train station for Betty in a scene not unlike Casablanca.

The conductor redundantly cries "All aboard, everybody."

There is a lot of subtle sexual tension on the train. Betty stands up to get something from the overhead shelf, puts a hand on Rogers chest to stop him from helping and then stumbles. Roger puts his hands on Betty's hips, and she falls on his lap.

I really, really hope this isn't the promised "forbidden sexuality"

For some reason, Virginia excuses herself for fresh air. Betty tells Roger that what they are doing is wrong and goes to talk to Virginia

I have to give this movie credit for having a medieval woman-sacrificing cult and a love triangle in the first ten minutes

Right now, I'm leaning towards  Virginia/Roger, but I don't think any ships will sail until The Blind Dead III: The Ghost Galleon.

One complaint. The back of the case promises a "frenzy of lesbian desire." We are ten minutes in and there have only been heterosexual desires.

Betty asks whether Virginia is sorry that she came along. Virginia says no, it's Roger. Betty says that she only came along because of Virginia.

I think this is flashback. She pretends to be the groom

This is a catholic school, so the lesbianism is forbidden.

This is either a way to set up the inevitable lesbian relationship later or some commentary on religion and sexuality.

The train whistle breaks up Virginia and Betty hug. Roger comes out to stop the "frenzy of lesbian desire." The train traditional-gender-rolls across the tracks.

Virginia sulks on the train as the conductor comes for tickets. Victoria tries to bribe him to let her off, but he says it is impossible because it is deserted.

Virginia hops off the train to Willoughby.

Roger and Betty see that Virginia jumped off and pull the brake alarm. The conductor helpfully tells us that is the brake alarm and his assistant asks if he should pull the brake. The conductor says no, because he "never stops in this place."

This is either a way to indicate that "this place" is dangerous or some commentary on railroad labor unions.

The assistant points out Virginia running away. The conductor says "That girl doesn't know what she's in for," assuming that Virginia has neither watched the opening of this movie nor read the back of the case.

Virginia stumbles into the totally-not-deserted area,

 She will later give this hotel a mediocre rating on Yelp!

Virginia walks into a cemetery. The camera shows her reaction from this unorthodox angle.

This is either a stylistic choice to make the viewer as uneasy as she is or a way to show off her midriff.

Virginia calls out and asks if anyone is there. She bangs on a door. It falls inwards.

This is either a way to indicate that this is an old place or some commentary on hotel regulations.

The next door doesn't fall inwards. Virginia walks around the shadowy building until the director decides that the atmosphere has been sufficiently built-up.

In case you didn't get that this is a creepy place, a rat crawls out.

The first stair breaks when she steps on it. That's another lawsuit for ADA violations.

If you were in Virginia's situation, what would you do? The collect answer is to lay down your sleeping bag, make a fire with some old branches and your lighter, and take a 3-star nap.

This is some relic of the 1970s. It makes music.

I hate to nitpick, but could she really get a radio signal there?

Virginia reads a book.

Music from the 1970s has the power the raise the dead. Who knew?

The next sin to wake the dead is smoking a cigarette. Don't smoke, kids. It might make the eyeless undead wake up.

The tombstones rattle around with static-y sound effects. This is so suspenseful! Finally, a crypt opens and we see the first undead hand.

This is very interesting and all but I am waiting for the "frenzy of lesbian desire."

Virginia is apparently a 1970's millennial. The undead could come to life around her and she is still listening to her music.

This part is interesting:

Where did the horses come from?

There a faint chants behind the rising of the eyeless dead and this scene is fairly effective. The director decides that the promised "creepy atmosphere" has gone far enough and does a jump scare.

Not really sure if it is a "jump scare"; as the camera just zooms in slightly on the face with a chord and scream accompanying it.

Virginia turns off the radio, puts out her cigarette, and pulls the sleeping bag around her. The gate creaks open and she sits up.

But the whole "hearing a strange noise while sleeping in the ruins of some church" isn't that uncommon, so she goes back to sleep.

The blind dead are considerate enough to cut eyeholes for their horses. Maybe they are considered service animals?

Virginia hears the sounds approaching and decides to make the movie a whole lot more interesting.

After a cut to the horsemen approaching, we cut back to Virginia.

I guess showing a woman without a shirt is too extreme for this movie with "forbidden sexuality."

Virginia opens the window and screams at this.

She can't really accuse it of peeping though. Because it is blind.

The undead onslaught has officially begun...over  a third of the way into the movie. The first third had almost no lesbian desire, no onslaught of the undead, and no nudity. Why do they think I am watching this?

Virginia takes the in-accessible undead escape route but gets her shoe caught. She gets it free but has a problem. Going up isn't the best way to get out.

Why does this dead guy still have a beard?

There is a fairly artistic shot of Virginia climbing over the ruins of the temple. Well, artistic for this movie. She jumps on a horse.

Living Virginia rides a living horse away from the undead riding undead horses.

I hate to beat an undead horse, but where did these horses come from?

 Eventually, she falls off and the undead ride pass her. She runs back and catches a train.

That would be a funny ending, but the undead turn around and catch her. She screams and the movie switches tones.

DRASTICALLY

Roger mentions casually that he called Lisbon and Virginia didn't return last night. He asks the waitress what the name of the village between the hotel and Lisbon is. She tries to deny that there is one, but when Rogers claims to have seen it, admits that there is one named Bersana but it has been deserted for over a hundred years.

Betty posits that their friend may have stayed the night there, and the waitress drops her tray in response to the script.

Rogers tries to press for information, but the waitress claims that the hotel management forbids them from talking about it to prevent superstitions. She tells him she doesn't want to lose her job.

This is either a way to pad out the script and or some commentary on hotel labor unions.

A waiter comes and asks if anything is wrong. Roger asks to rent a horse. Betty asks for one as well, but Roger tries to convince her not to because Bersana might be dangerous.

The waiter asks "You want to go to Bersana" and Roger replies "Yeah, it's a superstition meeting." Um...joke?

The train comes by with the same conductor and assistant. They spot Virginia and debate stopping, but the conductor says they aren't stopping, but will call the police at the next stop. He is clearly protected by a union.

Roger and Betty ride into Bersana on living horses. They decide that the best place to dismount is the cemetery. The horses run off immediately.

Betty asks what scared the horses, and Roger says a snake. Betty says that the crosses are strange, and Roger says he has never seen anything like it.

Roger tries to read from a tomb "if his Latin doesn't fail him." Lucky he studied Latin before going to an ancient ruin.

Lucky he also studied enough to say "Oh, these are the tombs of the Templars, an ancient order that worshiped the Devil in the year 1250 AD."

Okay, continuity problem. Roger has apparently studied Latin and the Templars, but he hasn't seen the cross-like symbol before?

With that historical context out of the way, they go to look for Virginia.

Roger finds an anachronism.

Betty exclaims "Virginia's Sleeping Bag," to aid the viewer.

Roger finds Virginia's shoe in an obvious allegory to Cinderella. This is significant because....

Two policemen come out. Roger says that they are looking for a friend, and the police say that it is Virginia.

Betty asks what happened to Virginia, and the police inform them that she has been murdered.

Well, that resolves the love triangle nicely!

Betty, Roger, and the police go to the morgue for the identification. The assistant has some perverse sense of humor.

I can't empathize with him. He grins and grabs the sheet as if he were revealing a new car model.

It's not her.

The doctor clarifies that it is the young girl that they brought in that morning. That was a necessary scene.

\

The next girl is Virginia. Betty faints.

The doctor and policeman give Betty some water and talk about what they think happened. The doctor says that Virginia bled to death, there were dozens of marks on her body, and, while it may sound crazy, it appears that she was the victim of a blood ritual.

That is quite a leap to make, especially if the doctor hasn't read the back of the DVD case.

Roger says that there haven't been blood rituals for centuries and that he wants to investigate.

Remember the mannequin store by the cemetery? We see it now. A woman leads Roger to the back.

A red light pulses through the window. It's from a neon sign installation. I hope this detail is relevant and isn't just a lazy way to create atmosphere.

Betty has called Roger there. She says that her assistant, Nina, was born 13 km from Bersana. Nina tries to deny that she knows anything, but Betty convinces her to tell them about an old superstition.

It is haunted by Templars. The Templars were excommunicated because they were worshiping the Devil.

...That doesn't really tell us or them anything new.

Rogers asks what that has to do with Virginia's death, which isn't really an appropriate question. They had just asked about the old superstition, not about Virginia's death

Nina says that there have been odd deaths there but she doesn't want to talk about it.

Is this guy the comic relief or something?

The doctors bring back the gurney with Betty's body on it. Comic relief guy asks whether the autopsy revealed anything interesting. One doctor says just the teeth marks.

When comic relief guy asks who could have done it, one of the doctors gives his expertly-misogynistic opinion: "The muchahas, they show too much today, that was her problem."

I honestly never thought I would watch a movie in which someone victim-blamed a causality of the "unholy onslaught of the eyeless dead."

Comic relief guy walks to the corpse of Virginia with a pair of scissors. He pulls back the blanket as if to cut into her, but a bird in a cage starts chirping.

Why is there a bird in a cage in the morgue? Is it to distract characters from mutilating plot points?

Speaking of plot points, Virginia's hand drapes down.

I love how her nails are still perfectly manicured.

Why is Virginia only now being resurrected? She isn't listening to 70s radio. Also, it is super convenient for Virginia to stir when nobody is looking. Comic Relief guy is playing with a frog.

Virginia wakes up.

I was expecting something more grotesque.

Virginia starts walking over he Comic Relief guy, with the sheet draped PGishly over her body. She puts her hand on his shoulder, and then bites his neck.

The frog jumps in a puddle of blood.

...Is this movie an allegory for the exodus from Egypt and all 10 plagues are hidden in here? If so, this movie deserves to be more well-known.

Betty and Roger go to the library to find out some more about the Templars and what happened to Virginia. They meet a professor of the middle ages and their pitch is something like this: "Our friend was murdered. What do you know about the Templars?"

This works...somehow.

The professor gives them some backstory. Amazingly, he is only holding two books when they meet him, and one of them has the exact history of that Templar cemetery. With illustrations. So it's a children's version of the Crusades.

The Templars came back from the crusades with treasures and black magic. They killed every virgin girl...

Is that close enough to "kill every first-born"? I really want my Exodus theory to be true.

The king of Spain conquered them, brought them to trial, and were hung. Crows pecked out their eyes. The end.

Betty and Roger ask whether the professor is implying that a new sect is practicing the old rituals. The professor says no, that is nonsense, he is implying the more reasonable theory that the old sect is coming back to life and practicing the old rituals.

The professor says this amazing quote:

"They are the blind dead...but that will be no handicap as they can still hear their victims and continue with terror and murder"

A voice from the shelves calls out "that's very interesting." Its one of the policeman. He calls the story a fairy tale.

The policeman has some plot-relevant about the professors son, Pedro. Pedro is a leader of some drug gang in a village 7 km from Bersana. The policeman thinks that the gang uses superstition about Bersana to their advantage.

This is either a way to make the professor of the middle ages relevant to the plot or some commentary on drug legalization.

The policeman says that they found the assistant dead and Virginia's body disappeared.

The next scene is artistic. There is a shot of an eye, no doubt a clever allusion to title. But it turns out that it is a mannequin.

This mannequin shop next to the cemetery better be relevant.

Betty calls Nina to tell her that she won't be back but wants her to do something. She gives her the name of a shop to call.

A hand reaches around the door. You can tell it is Virginia by her perfectly manicured nails.

The twist is that Nina's month is up.

Nina walks down the shop hall and sees the flashing red light of the neon sign. Was it worth the dialogue exchange earlier for a somewhat more logical creepy atmosphere?

Nina bends down and picks up a blood-soaked garment. She suddenly opens the door for the jump scare that won't happen.

Nina walks down a line of mannequins. The last one is Virginia. The neon sign helps do a dramatic lighting reveal.

When they prepare corpses at the morgue, do they wrap up the parts that movies can't show without an R rating? More importantly, why is this movie concerned with censoring itself when it is trying to be graphic and failing completely?

Nina accidentally knocks over a mannequin, which alerts Virginia.

Nina tries to call a number on the phone, but Virginia reaches her first. In the slowest possible way. Nina backs away from Virginia and knocks over a table with a lantern.

We are almost an hour into the movie. With only about thirty minutes left, you are probably wondering "What happened to the advertised 'frenzy of lesbian desire'?"

I mean "How do they defeat the undead?" The answer is "with fire."

Were you expecting something creative from this film?

Virginia shrieks for a long time. The fire burns her feet away, and she sort of...crumples.

Betty is going to "fire" Nina for destroying this mannequin.

Why does the mannequin get a better death than Virginia?

So, the villain is defeated. How are we going to fill up the remaining twenty minutes?

Roger and Bette go on a boat to the village to meet Pedro. Maybe you should have done this subplot before Virginia gets burned and defeated.

The boat driver says he doesn't dare to go any closer to the village because cliche. Roger goes alone.

Roger approaches two women and asks to see Pedro. One woman says he isn't there. The other tells her to go get him.

This is the forbidden sexuality correct?

Pedro approaches Roger. Roger asks about Bersana and non-so-subtly accuses his gang of murdering Betty. Remember when everyone claimed this was a dangerous gang and the boat driver refused to go near it? Roger forgot this plot detail.

The woman with whom Pedro just slept comes and says she smells trouble. Pedro tells her to stay out of it. Uh, that was a worthwhile plot point. Her name is Maria.

Roger asks Pedro to come to Bersana that night and help "solve the mystery." He says that the police suspect Pedro's gang, implying that there will be investigations.

At Bersana, Pedro asks whether Roger has a pistol. You would think that they would have coordinated the logistics of artillery before arriving to investigate the brutal murder.

Roger shows Pedro his pistol. Pedro claims it is "okay for the ladies" and hands Roger his larger pistol. This is either a way to show that Pedro is misogynistic or some commentary on the nature of masculinity using pistols as phallic symbols.


In a spectacular plot twist that makes no sense, Pedro betrays Roger and holds a knife up to his throat

False alarm- it was just a joke.

Pedro turns to Bette and Maria, who we just learned came along.

Pedro offers Bette a drink, but Maria grabs the flask and drinks. Pedro asks for Bette to sleep with him go for a walk, and she accepts.

Maria asks whether Roger is worried, but Roger says no, Betty isn't his girl.

Maria and Roger kiss.

We  are over an hour in. This is the most heterosexual "frenzy of lesbian desire" I have ever seen.

Pedro hits on Betty. She resists

We cut back to Roger and Maria breaking away from the kiss.

I guess showing the entire kiss is too risque for this movie featuring "forbidden sexuality"

I know this movie is called Tomb of the Blind Dead, but the audience is still supposed to be able to see something.

Pedro and Betty walk to the cemetery. Betty resists, and Pedro asks why. Betty says she has no feelings for any man because she "had a bad experience when she was a child."

This was foreshadowed in the beginning of the movie, when Bette says she "remembers everything" that happened at school. I'm sure this traumatic experience that made her a lesbian will be handled in a sensitive manner.

But I just felt that the whole zombie plotline was more interesting.

Pedro grabs her and says he will change that.

Maria asks whether they will have to walk all night because Roger is worried about his girlfriend. Roger denies that Betty is his girlfriend and Maria accuses him of not liking girls. I thought that this movie was missing something, and I just realized it was homophobia.

Maria and Roger stop their zombie hunting for a smoke break. By some amazing coincidence, they rest right next to Virginia's lost shoe.

Maria says that she once knew a man who drank champagne out her shoe. It was the only thing that excited him. When Roger reacts negatively, she accuses him of not having a sense of humor.

Maria should look up the difference between "humor" and "anecdote"

Betty buttons up her shirt after the implied sexual assault. Pedro looks up at the ancient ruin and Betty runs away.

Pedro walks up to the ruin and takes out his knife, saying he is not afraid.

Things that wake up the blind dead:
1. 1970s music
2. Sexual assault

All the Blind dead come out of their tombs. Again.

Bette finds Roger and Maria. Rogers asks where Pedro went, and she replies that she left him back in the cemetery. Roger tells Bette and Maria to go into a room, bolt the door, and don't open it for anyone.

Pedro regrets giving roger his Pistol, as he just spins around with the knife. A hand shoots up, and grabs him. He falls and the blind dead swarm him.

Roger takes out his pistol and shoots them. Clearly, he forgot to watch the middle of the movie, or he would have remembered to use fire.

Even though Pedro and Roger coordinated the whole artillery thing, Pedro forgot to put more than four bullets in the pistol. Goddamn it, Pedro.

I hate to beat an undead horse, but where did these horses come from?

This unholy onslaught is boring, so lets go back to the subplot. Maria accuses Bette of doing more with Pedro than going for a walk.

Well, that's enough development of that subplot for the time. Roger walks to the door where Bette and Maria are and bangs on it, asking to be let in.

If he wanted to be let in, he shouldn't have told them to not open the door for anyone. Goddamn it, Roger.

Maria asks where Pedro is, and Roger says that the Templars have killed him. Bette wants to open the door. but Maria says they should wait for Pedro because she doesn't believe the Templars killed him.  Did they forgot the whole "Don't open the door for anybody" thing?

Maria takes out a pistol and threatens to shoot Bette if she opens the door.  Bette grabs her wrist and they grapple, accidentally firing twice.

Given the current track record with guns in this movie, they have two shots left.

This is not a frenzy of lesbian desire. 12 minutes left, come on.

I hate to beat an undead horse, but where did these horses come from?

Roger bangs on the door demanding to open it. Bette tries to, but Maria grabs her and they wrestle. This is so suspenseful! Finally Bette manages to push Maria away long enough too un ar the door.

Maria calls Bette a pig. Okay.

Bette opens the door a few seconds too late. God damn it Bette, you had one job

Bette drags roger's corpse in and the undead follow. Maria screams and the undead move towards her instead of Bette. She backs into the corner and they bite into her,

Roger dies in Bette's arms. Maria dies under the onslaught of the blind dead,


Maria holds her hands over heart hard as the dead approach. This...doesn't work. She runs away through the village.

She hurts her leg and has to limp away, but manages to move more quickly than the horsemen.

I hate to beat an undead horse, but where did these horses come from?

The horsemen corner Betty in a forest, and then...pause.

There has got to be a good explanation for this.

Betty runs into a field and the train comes by.

This is either a convenient way to get someone out alive or some commentary on the railroad industry

The assistant drags into the train. The blind dead dismount and slash the assistant as he is climbing up.

The blind dead brutally slaughter everyone on the train. The end.

Wait, two minutes left.

The train arrives at the next station without stopping. An attendant grabs the controls to stop it and sees only Betty. The other people get on the train and....

Betty screams. It is the same scream as the out of context scream in the beginning.

THE END.

So, this is a good start to a series. I just have a couple problems that I hope will be resolved in the next three films.

1. Where did the horses come from?

2. That was a surprisingly heterosexual frenzy of lesbian desire.