The Candy Snatchers

CW: Brutal Sexual Assault Of An Underage Girl.

I shouldn't be doing this movie. It's by far the most...unsavory movie I've covered. (Unsavory is a good euphemism) Tiffany Bolling, one of the stars, said she regrets making this movie. What a coincidence. I regret watching this movie.

But it's an infamous exploitation film about autism. How could I resist?

Seriously, this entire movie is about the threat of and eventual sexual assault of a teenager. I advise you not to read if sexual assault is a trigger for you.

Good?

The Candy Snatchers is 1973 exploitation film about an autistic boy who witnesses the kidnapping of a 16 year old girl.

I'm in the mood for a schlocky movie. And I wish I had done this for Halloween instead. Because Candy.

It starts with an overweight woman of color walking around town.

Just kidding, it's a thin, blonde, white girl.

 Her name is Candy. The song tells us:

Oh what a shame

That the Candy Girl

Stayed and played the game

But the need and greed for money

Makes a guy act kind of funny.

Great, now we don't have to watch the movie

Also, there are three people, two men and one woman, watching her.

Just got it. They are going to Snatch Candy,

Candy hitches a ride with a guy. One of the Candy Snatchers asks whether he will take her all the way home.

Male Candy Snatcher: No chance. She's not that kind of girl.

She hitches another ride with the villains, who kidnap her.

If that's too subtle, the song repeats the lyric.

The men stuff her face in some rags and blindfold/gag her .

Male Candy Snatcher: Calm down, babe, you're just being kidnapped.

In the first four minutes, the movie made a good joke about an underage girl being kidnapped in a van. This is probably going on my "guilty pleasures" list

Get it? They are Snatching Candy.

The kidnappers drive to a secluded location with a "No Trespassing" sign and move Candy into a Candy-Shaped hole. Then they cover it with boards and fill the hole with dirt. A pole sticks up to indicate where she is buried.

Six minutes into this movie and it is living up to the the exploitation genre.

The woman licks an envelope with the ransom letter shut. Strangely seductively.

I understand that this movie has to objectify women, but does it have to make licking an envelope shut "erotic"?

If the kidnappers want her alive for the ransom, they aren't doing a very good job of keeping her alive.

On of the male kidnappers tells Jesse, the female kidnapper, that he could never have thought of that. So this movie is acknowledging that women are intelligent. I'm getting conflicting messages.

Wait, Jesse says that she couldn't have thought of it either, she saw it on television. Funny, I saw it in a movie.

The criminals drive away. The autistic boy comes out from the bushes accompanied with way too whimsical music for the tone of this movie.

He pulls at the pole. Then he takes some candy out of his pocket and eats it.

Get it? Candy...Snatchers?

Then he plays a game. he puts his hand over the pole, which is a hollow pipe.

It's implied that the pipe is giving Candy the ability to breath. I don't know if that works in real life.

A woman rings a cowbell. She is the autistic boy's mother.  Sean, the boy, comes running.

The movie subtly implies that Sean's mother is abusive. She yells at him, slaps him, leaves him alone in the bath, slaps him again, and tells him not to be "special" while their father's boss goes to dinner with them.

All in under one minute! Candy Snatchers sure knows how to develop characters economically.

The kidnappers decide to go to a  party where Candy's father is and confront him. The letter didn't work?

Sean and his parents drive to the boss' house. .

Jesse calls Candy's father, Avery, and tells him that if he ever wants to see Candy again, he has to give her all the diamonds in his store. Doesn't she feel bad about the exploitation in the diamond mining industry? The male kidnappers put the letter in the door. Okay.

Avery has a huge picture of Candy in his desk drawer and a gun is underneath it. Of course. A male kidnapper watches, and then all three snatchers drive away.

On the way to the boss's house, Audrey (Sean's mom) and Sean's dad argue about chewing with one's mouth open. Then Sean's dad yells at Sean. Everyone in this movie is fairly awful.

Avery goes home and asks his wife, Cathrine, whether she has seen  Candy. Cathrine replies that Candy is at a friend's house

The three criminal pose as bird watcher while they wait for the ransom. This movie is increasing the stigma against bird-watching. But Avery is still at home.

The boss tries to talk to Sean and asks him really... pointed questions

"I bet there's something you are just dying to talk about."

"You went out today and you saw something?"

"Now just exactly what did you see?"

The parents try to tell the parents that Sean doesn't talk. For some reason, the boss finds this hilarious and laughs for 18 seconds.

18 seconds may not seem like a long time until you have to listen to someone laugh about a kid not talking for 18 seconds.

I didn't know that kids not being able to talk was humorous. This movie is really challenging me to expand the scope my sense of humor.

Avery goes to...have an affair? Not the time.

The motif of "women using their mouths seductively" really adds to the deep themes of "The Candy Snatchers."

Actually, Avery just brought some diamonds over for her to look at.

Actually, it's to have an affair.

He's not being af-fair to his daughter.

One of the Candy Snatchers loses patience and throws his bird map away.

On the trip back from the boss, Sean's father laments that they never sent him to a psychiatrist. Then Sean mother yells at him to go to bed because she doesn't want to ever see him again. The boss was the only marginally likeable character in the movie.

Sean spots the Snatcher's flashlights in the distance. Then his mom comes in, yells that he ruined everything, drags him off-screen and starts hitting him.  This movie is quite...interesting.

A male Snatcher named Eddy gives the blindfolded Candy some water. Then he takes her to the bathroom and assures her that they won't kill her. Well, that's reassuring.

The Snatchers wonder why they didn't get the diamond. Jesse theorizes that the reason is that Avery didn't think they would actually kill Candy. So they need to prove it to him.

The logical solution is to cut off her ear and ship it to Avery in a box.

I should have done this for Halloween!

Jessie starts laughing and the movie cuts from her laughing mouth to Candy's screaming mouth. That's the closest this movie comes to an artistic transition.

They record Candy screaming as Jessie caressess her ear with a knife. Now they have her screams, but not her ear.

The light-haired male Snatcher stops Jesse from cutting off Candy's ear so he can do it himself.

Now, the best movies are the ones that bring up issues you have never thought about before. I, personally, have never considered the proper way to slice off someone's ear.

They decide against the ear cutting. I'm disappointed in the lack of gore thus far.

Luckily, Jesse has connections with a mortician called Charlie who sells body parts. Of course she does.

POC representation in the medical field! In 1973!

Jesse and Charlie haggle the price of an ear to $50.

$50 in 1973 is about $273.03 in 2017. I don't know much about the ear market, except that it is the opposite of the ull market.

Charlie is the creepiest character in the movie and there should be an entire movie about his backstory:

"These are the best people in the world. They don't hurt nobody. They don't make no trouble. They don't tell me what to do. They don't cause no pain. They mind their own business. Yes sir, all they do is lie there, and just think about all the people it's too late to fuck."

Clearly, he has not seen Tombs of the Blind Dead,

The first corpse is male, so they ask for a female. I did not know that ears were gendered. Charlie goes down a line of corpses in Goldilocks-esque scene. One is too male. One is too old. The last corpse is a typical exploitation film blonde woman.

He starts to cut off the ear and the scene is pretty funny. Charlie's hand covers the operation the entire time. The funny part is Jessie's reactions.

Eddy talks to Candy. He tells her that they want her father to steal some diamonds from the safe for them. Candy asks why money is so important. Eddttells Candy a rambling story about how he went to the army, and then worked in a furniture store, and then bought some coveralls. Somehow this connects to Candy. She says that Eddy could be redeemed.

Candy asks whether Jessie is a girl, because she is surprised that the others take orders from her. She lives in an exploitation movie, remember?

Candy tells Eddy that he is in love with Jessie. Eddy assure Candy that the won't kill her. Then this happens.

Now, I've heard of Stockholm Syndrome but...

Jesse and Alan walk in and Alan wittingly refers to them as Beauty and the Beast (2017).

Alan tries to drop the ear off on the bench, but Jessis forces him to bring it to his room so Eddy won't sabotage it.

Now, everyone in this movie is awful. But they are at least trying to make Eddy likeable. To correct this, Eddy confronts Jessie,  rips off her top, knocks her into a bathtub.

Jessie starts crying and says she wants to get on a plane to New York so she'll feel safe in a scene that is way too emotional for The Candy Snatchers.

Eddy reminds Jessie that she promised that they would escape together. Jessie laughs. And then they have sex. Okay.

The next day, Jessie and Alan bring Candy back out and toss her in the hole. Eddy tries to stop them, but Alan reminds him that they are going to kill Candy anyway. Oops. Don't make promises.

Instead of putting her in the hole, Alan ties her up inside and starts to cut off her blindfold. Eddy grabs him and forces him away from Candy.

Hey, there's an autistic kid in this movie, remember?

Sean watches the truck pass.

Eddy, Jessie and Alan decide to bring the ear to Avery. Catherine is sick and doesn't know that Candy is gone. Avery lies to her and says Candy "stopped by."

The Snatchers sneak up on a telephone man installing a line and attempt to beat him up. The telephone man beats up Eddy and Alan, but Jessie manages to knock him out with a board.

Female empowerment?

This reference joke is way too complicated for an exploitation movie.

Sean eats his Wheaties. His mom tells him that he has to pick up all his toys after breakfast.

Sean is in the movie. It is vital that you remember that Sean is in the movie.

Eddy drives the lineman's truck to Avery's place. He tells Avery's mistress that he is there to fix the telephone lines. When Avery comes to the gate, Eddy tells him that it is about Candy. Avery lets him in.

In the other truck, Jessie  and Alan realize that they will probably have to kill Candy now that she knows their names.

Eddy plays the tape of Candy's screams and shows "her" ear to Avery. Then the door opens and a cop is there. Oops.

The cop asks Eddy to move his truck. Avery hands back the box and tape recorder.

Okay, so the actions of Avery are confusing so far. But now there is a pretty amazing twist that explains why.

Avery is not Candy's father. He is her Step-father. Avery married candy's mother because her late father left Candy $2 million. If Candy reaches 21, she gets that money. If not, a million goes to her mother and a million to Avery. Avery has been waiting for a way for Candy to die for a long time.

He has earned the villainous hand gesture.

This was foreshadowed with Avery's apathy towards the situation and his affair with the diamond lady. Great job, Candy Snatchers.


Now Eddy is conflicted. He drives the lineman's truck back to the other Snatchers' truck. Jessie informs Eddy that Alan went back on motorcycle to kill Candy. Eddie drives back top the hideout.

Conveniently, this the same time that Sean stumbles into the hideout. He finds Candy on the floor and takes off her blindfold.

They didn't lock the doors? Seriously?

Candy assumes that Sean isn't her kidnapper and asks for help. Sean can't untie her. Candy just asks him to call the police or they will kill her.

Candy: Do you know what killing is?

Sean:

Sean hides in the rafters without putting the blindfold back on. Avery comes in with a knife. This is a really intense movie.

The next scene is the brutal sexual assault. Sean watches. Moving right along...

Eddy runs in and attacks Alan. Jessie calls Alan a pig. Eddy stitches up Candy. Candy accuses Eddy of lying to her.

Jessie and Alan drink. Sean pokes around in the attic. Jessie laments that, if they kill Candy, her step-father will get a million dollars.

Sean knocks down a ladder to distract the Snatcher. Then he removes a slat in the attic, jumps down, and runs away with far, far too whimisical music following a brutal sexual assault scene.

The Snatchers try to run after him, but Sean gets away. They blame  the noise on a nearby cat.

Comic Relief?

Sean runs into his room and pulls out his toys from his drawer until he finds....

I would say "add laugh track", but the movie adds a comedic sound effect.

Eddy laments that Alan removed Candy's blindfold. Alan asserts dominance and declares that they will simply kidnap Avery and hold him at gunpoint.

Eddy tries to suggest putting Candy back in the hole, but  Alan wants to just kill her.

It's extremely jarring for this movie to cut between the brutal Candy scenes and the actually funny Sean scenes. Sean calls a delicatessen and pulls a string on the back of the doll so it will say

"Police, open up"

This scene is funny, and brings up a valid point. How many nonverbal kids are unable to call for help because their parents don't buy them a separate doll for each emergency situation?

The owner of the deli says he will call the police.

Back at the hideout, Eddy assures Candy that it will all be over tonight, but she has to go back into the hole. Candy is understandably not thrilled about this but Eddy says it is her only chance.

Candy goes back into the hole I'm assuming that the plan is that Eddy will tip the police off.

Meanwhile, Avery tells his mistress  that his "lifetime investment" is about to pay off and they can go to Rio. Remember, he is the bad guy.

Alan accuses Eddy of not actually killing Candy. Eddy gives him a shovel, claiming he can dig her if she

Instead, Alan picks up the breathing pipe for the ground. They didn't show Eddy put the breathing pipe in.

So...is  Candy dead? With fifteen minutes left? Is the breathing pipe ever explained?

The next scene has some political commentary that is surprisingly relevant in 2017 for a 1973 movie. The Snatachers try to buy a gun, The shopowner asks for a driver's license. What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

The shopowner can't sell them the pistol for that night, as there is a so he offers to sell them a rifle with "no questions asked"

What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

Sean tries to sneak back home, but Audrey interrupts and confiscates a pair of scissors.

The Snatchers go into Avery's house. Katherine is there, no longer sick. She doesn't know  that Candy is gone.

Audrey opens a medicine cabinet and takes out a bottle of sleeping pills. She assures Sean that she will only give him one pill to put him to sleep, not to kill him. Oh, that makes it okay.

Alan gets Katherine drunk and begins making out with her.

Eddy:"That is sick. That is really sick. She is old enough to be your mother."

Getting her drunk was okay, but her age crosses the line. Also, this is going too far after the brutal sexual assault of Candy.

Now that she is drunk, the Snatchers make her call Avery and ask when he is coming home. He replies that he was going to be late.

Avery is busy sleeping with the diamond store employee. This probably breaks some code of ethics.

Avery tells the employee that he is never going home again. Then it cuts to him opening the door to his house. Um, irony?

Eddy and Jessie confront Avery with the gun. If the good guys just  carried guns, this sort of thing wouldn't happen!

List of "good guys" in this film:

Candy (deceased)

Sean

Katherine

They inform him that someone is sleeping with Katherine upstairs. But not really. Becasue Alan stabs Katherine in the heart and takes her diamond necklace.

Eddy and Jesse force Avery to take them to the safe and assures him that he is "safe". Meanwhile, Alan sneaks into the office and finds Avery's gun in a drawer.

Avery opens the safe and begins filling up the Snatcher's bag. Avery offers a deal and brings the snatchers' to his office. He asks whether Candy is alive. He tries to get the gun out of the drawer, but, of course, Alan has it. Alan slams the drawer on Avery's hand and shoots him with the gun.

Alan tries to shoot Eddy, but Jessie shoots him first. Eddy and Jessie run outside. Avery follows, clutching and shoots Jessie.

This may sound intense, but the blood effects are so bad. They look like red Candy.

Eddy jumps into his truck. Avery forces a guy out of his car with a gun and hijacks it. Chase scene towards the hideout. Both get out and have a shootout.

All of this, from Alan shooting Avery to the beginning of the shootout at the hideout, takes place in the span of three minutes. And there are four minutes left in the movie.

Eddy kills Avery with the rifle. He hears Candy breathing.

Candy is still alive?

Eddy tries to dig up Candy but...

Pop quiz time:

What is the silliest possible ending to this movie?

If you guessed "Sean appears out of nowhere, takes Avery's pistol. kills Eddy with it, and then goes back to his mother and shoots her as well," you would be thinking the same as the writer.

The funny thing is that you don't see Sean kill his mother. His mother just yells at him, the camera stays on Candy's grave, and gunshot. Heavy breathing from Candy's grave.

The song "Money is the root of all happiness" plays over the credits.

Get it? Because the plot is about getting money. And everyone dies. And everyone is awful, so it's a happy ending.

The Candy Snatchers is a sick movie. It does everything to shock the audience and the ending feels...

Movies should do their best to empower autistic children. I'm not denying the capability of autistic children, But I don't think that any child, autistic or not, could do what Sean does in this movie. Even if their parents buy a specific talking police doll.

 I can't imagine what kind of individual finds enjoyment out of these types of movies.

I thoroughly enjoyed The Candy Snatchers!