(Seriously, why does every Blind Dead movie have sexual assault?)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men See No Tales is the third movie in the Blind Dead Collection.
I was originally not optimistic about the series suddenly introducing pirates. However, I remembered from the first movie that the Templars came back from the Crusades on ships. So continuity is good.
One could say that nobody saw the plot twists coming. Also, does The Blind Dead Collection have enough fans to qualify a "many"?
This is the same problem as Crimson Bat 2: Trapped, the Crimson Bat! Claiming a film is one of the more superlative in a series doesn't mean much if there are only four films.
The first two movies started back in the 13th century. This one...
Besides the bikinis, they looks as historically accurate as the 13th century women in the other movies!
The director gives us the names of all three women. Thank you.
Noemi is the white, thin, blond one wearing a bikini
Greta is the white, thin, blond one wearing a bikini
Denise is the white, thin, light brown-haired one wearing a bikini
Noemi Greta, and Denise unhook their tops because why pretend this movie has any other purpose?
Shooting ends for the day, so Noemi comes out to talk to the director. God damn it, why is it always Noemi?
I originally wrote down "Greta", but the dialogue informed me that she is Noemi. I forgot that Noemi is the white, thin, blonde one.
Noemi bring up her friend, Kathy, who went missing for over a month. The director (Lillian) think it is a fling with a boy.
Hasn't she read the back of the box and learned that this series features a frenzy of lesbian desire?
Noemi accuses Lillian of not telling the truth. Lillian admits that she sent Kathy out on a mission to launch a new product.
Ah yes, the fashion industry has definitely been neglecting the undead Templar demographic for far too long.
Lillian tells Noemi to meet her at the docks at 7 in the morning. Noemi arrives wearing an appropriately short dress for this series.
Turns out that Kathy is in the middle of the ocean, trying to jump a shark.
Not really, it's for an advertisement. Greta is understandably horrified.
I don't think she should convince them to stop the advertisement, though. Kathy is already in the ocean, so it is a "sunk cost"
Mr. Tucker comes down saying he has used the studio before and now is using them to market his new boat.
Lorena day is playing the part of a ship captain with Kathy. Mr. Tucker hopes that ships will pass them, notice the lifeboat, and help keep the brand afloat.
So far this movie is amazing. This would be a great set-up for a sketch. They are going to ruin it with blind undead Templar pirates, aren't they?
Mr. Tucker doesn't seem concerned with the potential P.R. nightmare if something goes wrong because he has rescue helicopters and Twitter hasn't been invented yet.
Okay, nobody has explicitly confirmed, but it sure seems that Kathy and Lorena don't go back every day. I could question the food, water, or bathroom situation, but I don't like nitpicking.
I do have to give this movie credit for being educational. I did not know that two woman could be on a boat for a month and still have perfectly-done makeup, hair, and shaved legs.
Kathy and Lorena say that they haven't made much progress since yesterday. So that means they don't go back every day and imply that they are going north towards some destination. That makes my previous question about the makeup valid.
Kathy and Lorena spot the plot.
Hang on, they have been in the ocean for a month. The first time that Noemi contacts them is when they see the pirate ship?
Kathy and Lorena shoot up some flares. Then they try a megaphone.
The pirate ship grazes the boat and springs a leak...somehow.
The distance between and the speeds of the boat and the ship make it unclear as to how they collided. This series isn't well-known for its action sequences.
Mr. Tucker helps them and plugs the boat
Lorena tries to bail out water and Kathy shoots up some more flares.
In order to not sink and move the plot along, Lorena throws an anchor to the pirate ship and climbs up.
They are the worst brand ambassadors,...
Lorena takes out a flashlight and explores the ship. She doesn't even look back to check whether Kathy made it. The movie doesn't even show us. I thought that was important.
I'm sure the set design is amazing in this movie. Shame that you cant see it behind the fog.
Kathy is still on the boat. The one with a leak in it.
They could have made it more clear that Lorena successfully plugged the leak. Just because the boat has a hole in it, doesn't mean the plot has to have one as well.
Mr Tucker wants them to rescue Kathy and Lorena quickly and discretely so it doesn't look bad for his brand. I have no idea why an unsuccessful Spanish Night of the Living Dead ripoff would be so biased against the marketing industry.
Noemi threatens to leak (ha-ha) the scandal if something happens to Kathy. The logical thing for Mr. Tucker's assistant to do is restrain her and drag her over to the bed.
Just because the movie series is The Blind Dead doesn't mean you can't have a brand vision.
There are a few shots of the pirate ship and Kathy sleeping so that we remember the main plot of the movie.
Sergio (Mr. Tucker's assistant) brings Noemi some food and unties her so she can eat. Her brilliant escape plan is to ask Sergio or some water so he has to leave.
Wait, Sergio ties up her arms, but not her legs?
Noemi wants to escape, so she puts on her tight, short dress and high heels. Running around in a bikini would be too objectifying for this film series featuring "forbidden sexuality".
Noemi runs away. Mr Tucker's assistant comes back with the glass of water. He gets angry when the captive whom he untied and left alone managed to escape.
Noemi fumbles with a lock to give Mr. Tucker's assistant enough time to catch her and drag her back to the bed. Because this is a film in The Blind Dead Collection, Mr. Tucker's assistant sexually assaults her.
The blind undead attack Lorena. I think. The movie doesn't show anything, just her screams. Maybe the movie put all of its almost non-existent budget into fog effects and couldn't afford to show the undead rising.
Kathy is as uninterested in Lorena shrieking in agony as the audience.
Sergio pilots a rescue helicopter. He radios back to HT and report no pirate ship, other boat, or fog.
Cut back to HT. A guy talks to Mr. Tucker and Lillian. He has a map out and looks important, so I guess he is a meteorologist or some other relevant scientist. He says that there has been no fog there for the past few days because there have been no reports.
That's definitely how science works
Mr. Tucker asks how the girls could have reported the fog.
Well, they agreed to be in this movie.
We learn that the meteorologist is named Dr. Grüber. Lillian mentions that the girls went aboard a ship. Dr. Grüber gets excited because he believes it is a legendary haunted ship. Not really helping the entire meteorologist credibility.
This guy believes in a ghost ship but thinks that other people imagining fog must be drunk.
Mr Tucker is completely Rationaltm and Logicaltm He decides to go out on his yacht. Dr. Grübar wants to join..
One would think that the crew would contact Kathy before going out or left at least one person behind in case Kathy tried to contact them. But what do I know?
Kathy decides to go on the ship.
I think the only reason this series went nautical is so the leads can be in bikinis the entire movie.
I've never been on a lifeboat for a month- but wouldn't they get dangerously cold in bikinis at night?And wouldn't the bikinis get dirty? Whatever.
The lighting here is so erotic.
Kathy opens up a door to the stairs to Chekov's lower deck
Kathy wanders around. She is probably cold, but buttoning up her jacket would cover her bikini and defeat the purpose of this movie.
The lighting and fog already defeat the purpose of the movie. Such an odd directing choice!
It is possible to combine erotic and creepy. A prerequisite is to have a movie that is both erotic and creepy.
Kathy finds a bag with an accompanying jump scare. She walks out, then walks back in. She turns on her radio and listens to music.
God damn it Kathy, didn't you watch The Blind Dead I: Tombs of the Blind Dead?
Just thought of something. The Blind Dead Collection Canon states that the Templars came back from the Crusade and then were executed. If this ghost ship is one that sank when coming back from the Crusades, the Templars shouldn't be undead. But i am assuming that the plot will include the blind dead. Let's wait.
Cut to the rescue mission. Dr. Grüber gets some character development. I was so invested in the bikini-clad girl walking around the dark ship!
Luckily, the bikini quota gets filled.
Mr. Tucker says he will pay off Kathy to deny Noemi if she tells the police about the rape. By the way, this movie is trying to paint Mr. Tucker as an unsavory character.
Lillian asks Mr. Tucker what will happen if they don't find Kathy and Lorena. The most important thing is that it will destroy his reputation and waste all the hard work he put into his brand. The added value of the "two attractive woman alone in a lifeboat for a month" campaign.
Mr. Tucker has a political life? Is his boating company lobbying the Spanish government? Um, can we have some backstory or is the wandering around the ghost ship in a bikini more important?
A third of the way through the movie and there are no Templars in either the present day or in flashbacks.
Lillian suggests that, if they don't find the girls, they can just claim that Kathy and Lorena went on a pleasure cruise and didn't come back. Nobody knew that Noemi and Sergio were with them.
Two problems:
1. That assumes no passing ships noticed the brand of the lifeboat and spread the word. Which was the entire point of the campaign. "This campaign won't hurt your image if it never worked in the first place."
2. Wow, Lillian is a terrible manager.
Given that I just complained about the lack of undead Templars, it makes sense for them to come out now. The music awakens them.
I'm so confused as to this series' continuity. The second movie required a sacrificial ritual to awaken the blind dead. The first and third movies required '70s music.
By the way, the music stops playing when the Templars awaken. You probably explain this away with "They filmed the scenes seperately and forgot to include the music" But that is so cynical! It's really clever. Since the Templars are blinds, they developed sophisticated hearing to compensate. So they can hear the music from far away, even when the audience can't
Speaker of blinded Templars...
The Templars were executed and blinded after they came back from the Crusades. These guys clearly never made it past the "coming back from the Crusades" stage.
Let's assume they did come back from the Crusades. That means the villagers executed them, put them on a pirate ship, and sent it out to sea. Then the ship sank and, for some reason, keeps going as The Ghost Galleontm
This is so confusing. Let's keep watching!
Director: You know what would make this series scarier? Close-ups of the poor hand effects.
The coffins open by themselves. Somehow the Ancient Templars created coffins that open in response to 70's music.
Kathy awakens and walks around the ship with her shirt open.
The second movie has a Templar stab a topless women through the chest and pull out her heart. You're slacking, Blind Dead collection.
The blind dead emerge from Chekov's door to the lower deck. Kathy monologues in the response. I managed to transcribe it
Ah! No! No! Ah! Ah! Ah! No! No! No!
With various inflections.
"Some of the most effective monsters" as long as nobody runs or takes off their damn heels.
Kathy runs up the stairs, and them drops down and hurts herself. Nice.
The Templars catch up to her and carry her away.
In the first movie, the Templars bit Virginia and turned her into a zombie. In the second movie, they killed people. In this one, they just pick Kathy up and carry her to an open coffin. This inconsistency makes sense because it gives the movie excuse to show her bikini-clad body spread out.
Now one of them doesn't have a place to sleep tonight!
The rescue ship finds the fog. Mr Tuckers smugly asks how the control tower missed it.
Maybe you don't use the word "submerged" like that on a boat?
Red flag: An established film series using the phrase "Completely different dimension" If any Blind Dead movie was going to jump the shark, it might as well be the nautical one.
Tip for saving money: Just narrate the special effects.
Noemi spots the ladder on the Ghost Galleontm, and proclaims that Lorena and Kathy must have survived. Quite a leap of logic.
They get on the Ghost Galleontm.
Yes, it's called The Blind Dead III: The Ghost Galleon
Dr Grüber slips into a generic Twilight Zone monologue.
I think the actor is talking to the crew but they left the line in.
Noemi and Lillian walk directly into the same room where Kathy listened to her radio and spot her bag,
I lost track of where Lorena was in the story and went back in the movie. She went on the ship about thirty minutes ago and screamed.
Sergio finds Kathy and Lorena's boat. Fog and not-so-special effects make it disappear.
I object to the adjective 'normal', as if their dimension is the sociological default and other dimensions are anomalies.
More importantly, they aren't going to explain why this happened at the exact moment the characters found the yacht, are they?
Everyone settles in for the night.
Sergio threatens to leave.
Where?
Do you remember the power dynamic subplot between Sergio and Mr. Tucker throughout this movie?
I don't. But the non-existent build-up pays off here.
Mr. Tucker says he is scared. This somehow makes Sergio happy.
Cut to Dr. Grüber sleeping to remind the viewers that he exists.
Cut to Noemi and Lillian in the room where they found Kathy's bag. Lillian takes off her scarf and shoe. Forbidden Sexualitytm.
Noemi reaches into Kathy's bag. She smells it, which triggers a really odd transition into a flashback.
The camera closes in on Noemi's face. Then a close-up of Kathy's face flickers in three times. What?
In the flashback, Noemi wants to drop out of school and become a model lik Kathy. Her parents don't want her to. Noemi asks Kathy to help.
Girls, don't drop out of school to become models. Otherwise, you may take an assignment in the middle of the ocean where you will accidentally drift into another dimension, climb upon a ghost ship, and undead Templars will drag you into a coffin.
Oh good, the movie was drifting away from its original premise of girls without clothes.
Back on the ghost galleon, Lillian falls asleep. Noemi takes a lantern and walks around the ship. She finds the door to the lower deck, but it is locked.
There is only a little over half-an-hour left. We definitely need more scenes of a girl wandering around the foggy ship.
Nevermind, she had tried to open the wrong door. Okay.
Noemi is really good at going to exactly the same places that Kathy did.
Nobody cares about Lorena?
Noemi knocks on the door and awakens the Templars.
The longer the Templars have been asleep, the more noise it takes to awaken them. So it took the radio to wake them up from hundreds of years of sleep. But it only took a few knocks to awaken them from less than a day of sleep. At least, that's my fan theory.
Noemi backs away from the Templars slowly and climbs the steps. She monologues:
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah no no no ah ah ah no no ah ah ah no no ah ah ah ah.
With various inflections .
TAKE YOUR HEELS OFF.
Noemi gets up to the deck and tries to scream for help, but everyone is asleep. The Templars drag her back down into a coffin and decapitate her with an anchor
This movie has half an hour to explain why the Templars locked Kathy in a coffin but decapitated Noemi.
The Templar drink Noemi's blood.
The next day, Mr. Tuckers says they have to find the girls. Dr. Grüber says he found the key to the puzzle- the navigation log.
HOLD ON
This ghost ship has been traveling around for centuries but the travel log looks barely damaged.
Ableist, but at least the story mentions blindness. I thought that was an important part of the Blind Dead Collection.
The navigation log gives the backstory. And it is completely legilible.
Storytime: the captain was a knight called "the dutchman"
This is the Twilight Zone "Judgement Night" without the German war crime commentary.
Dr. Grüber explains that the Pope excommunicated the captain for his satanic rituals.
Ah yes, everything makes sense except for that.
Dr. Grüber waves this away because the sacrifices allowed the Templars to overcome death.
8th century + 2 centuries = 16th century.
Apparently, the templars awaken each night to continue their conquest of blood.
So...does this mean that every night, people from our dimension happen to slip into the ghost dimension? The ghost dimension that exists in one particular section of the sea? And nobody notices the people disappearing every night? I'm confused.
Mr. Tuckers asks how Dr. Grüber how he can believe those things. Dr. Grüber replies that the only logical explanation for the fog and the ship not appearing on meteorological reports, radar, or navigation controls.
This is an often missed step of the scientific process: If the measurements contradict your observations, you are probably in another dimension.
Time to search the ship!
Lillian and Dr. Grüber search the the hatchway
Mr. Tucker and Sergio search the quarters.
I don't understand why the movie spent so much time on Noemi wandering the ship alone, but now that there are multiple characters to play off each other, they just get straight to the point.
Dr Grüber puts the log that holds the key to the entire mystery on top of the hatch. I guess it's not important anymore.
They go down the stairs in the darkness. Grüber lights a lantern. Good. I know that this is The Blind Dead Collection, but it is still useful to be able to see what is happening.
They find the coffin and decide to open it. Grüber has a lot of trouble opening it.
If I were him, I would ask Lillian to help. But women are not to useful in the Blind Dead universe.
To be fair, neither are the men.
Lillian accidentally swings the lantern against the wall and finds a hidden chamber. This leads her and Dr. Grüber to the conclusion that the girls are probably inside. Okay.
Dr. Grüber walks upstairs to get Sergio and Mr. Tucker. Don't they know they have to find the dungeon item to get past the wall?
Wait, that doesn't happen. Sergio, Mr. Tucker, and Dr Grüber come down and help break the chamber.
.....which means pulling down the netting. Dr. Grüber and Lillian couldn't have done that themselves?
Sergio opens the door and a skeleton jump-scares out.
I mean...
Well, they didn't find Kathy or Lorena, but they did find a bunch of treasure! The end
[credits]
Moving along, Lillian recognizes the mask from the opening credits.
The undead Templars wake up. And the characters react calmly.
Sergio even has time to grab a treasure box.
Dr. Grüber stumbles on the stairs.
The only times these "some of the most effective monsters ever" pose any threat are when the characters trip or get cornered/surrounded.
Dr Grüber has seen the first two movies and asks for gasoline and a lighter. I understand the lighter, but who carries around gasoline?
I complained that the torches in the second movie didn't deter the Templars, while fire destroyed Virginia in the first movie. Apparently the trick is to make a cross and light it on fire.
He just redundantly said the same thing twice.
At that moment, an ocean liner comes by. The characters call for help, but
Wow, way to tie in the premise of the series.
Grüber reminds them that they are in another dimension.
Which doesn't make sense because he realized the interdimensional travel when the yacht disappeared. So can they see things in the original dimenson or not?
Also, the rescue of Kathy and Lorena takes a backseat as the Templars will wake up again. What will they do to stop them?
...I though the flaming cross solved that?
The movie treats "The thing that worked ten minutes ago might help us" as a huge revelation.
They are out of gasoline and the wood it too wet to burn. Oh, sure.
Dr. Grüber comes up with the brilliant idea to destroy the Templars while they are asleep. WOW.
The "final battle" involves four people carrying boxes up and tossing them overboard.
Sorry, three people. Women can't help in this universe.
TWO OF THEM HAVE KATHY AND NOEMI IN THEM.
Okay, this is actually a good climax. It would be better if we didn't know that Noemi was dead.
Dr Grüber claims that the ghost ship will go back to their dimension now that the Templars are gone.
First of all, they aren't gone, they are just underwater.
Second, how do you know this?
They've forgotten about Kathy and Lorena, haven't they?
Also, the ship will not be able to float in their dimension.
How do you know this?
Sergio grabs a convenient piece of driftwood and tosses it overboard. He says they can grab onto it and float.
The ship won't float in the water in their dimension. However, a piece of wood from the ship will float. It makes sense if you don't think about it.
HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN ABOUT KATHY AND LORENA?
Mr Tucker, Sergio, and Lillian climb down and grab the driftwood. It starts to sink. Lillian tell Sergio to drop his treasures.
Sergio decides to drown Mr. Tucker. Instead, Mr Tucker drowns him.
There are only six minutes left, including ending credits. So the eyes of the mask in the treasure room suddenly glow red. Why not?
Dr. "the wood is too wet to burn" Grüber starts choking and dies. The Ghost Galleontm burns up and sinks into the ocean.
I thought that the Ghost Galleontm was pretty far into the ocean, but apparently not, because Lillian and Mr. Tucker drift onto shore.
As do a few Templars. Oops!
The water drains out of their eyeholes as they stand up. I guess it is supposed to be creepy, but it just looks silly.
Mr. Tucker and Lillian wake up and the last shot is the templars over them. Roll Credits.
I liked the set-up for this movie more than the first two. However, it wasted too much time on wandering around the ship, and the mythology was completely changed. The Templars took too long to appear and plot lines didn't resolve. What happened to Lorena? So this is my least favorite of the first three movies..
Ranking
1. Return of the Evil Dead
2. Tombs of the Blind Dead
3. The Ghost Galleon
And that was my analysis of how The Ghost Galleon represents disability!
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