The Other Sister

The Other Sister is allegedly a romantic comedy. I'm going to assume it is like Riding the Bus with My Sister. I only wish I had reviewed this movie first so that I could refer to Riding the Bus with My Sister as The Other The Other Sister.

It starts with an appropriate allegory for the audience watching this move.

The hand of the other sister make necklaces for Father, Mother, Heather, Winnie, and Caroline. Well, that is an efficient way to introduce characters,

The camera pan over a sign of "Roselake School'  Well, that is efficient way to establish setting

The other sister scoops a goldfish out of a bowl. I already hate her.

A man picks up his daughter Carla, the other sister, from a therapeutic school.

It's confusing that we meet the titular other sister before "the sister."

Carla is upset that she has to go home from school. Carla takes the goldfish on the plane, reminding us that this movie was made in 1999.

You know how Riding the Bus with My Sister inserted flashbacks that connected to scenes in the present day story? Expect more of that. The father remembers a dinner in which Carla tried to eat cake with a knife and then threw a tantrum. The most relevant part of this  scene is The Sister^tm

Carla's parents try to figure out what to do. The mother wants to send her to the private school, but the father is concerned that they won't be able to visit her. The children eavesdrop.

They arrive in generic white suburbia.



Carla shyly walks in and the music reminds us that this is supposed to be a sad scene because she is awkward. I love movies that cue

Carla asks who a man is. It is Jeff Green, who is engaged to The Sister^tm.

At dinner, Carla asks whether Jeff and the sister^tm have "done it yet". The mother clarifies that you aren't supposed to 'do it" until after marriage. I'm so glad that this film exploiting people with developmental disabilities is promoting Christian values!

Dessert time. Thi movie is on fast-forward. Jeff says he is working on a doctorate titled. "Multi-tiered financing of petrochemical surveys in uncertain political terrains"

The mother reminds that The Sister hasn't used her degree and this was relevant in 1999

Carla claims she wants to go to school and become a veterinarian asistant. Her mother shoots it down.

Flashback to some kids bullying Carla. Carla pushes one of them down the stairs. If this were The Twilight Zone, he would be dead.

Back in the present day. Carla's mom shows her her room. It is completely redecorated and Carla is not happy. Carla's mom had asked the doctor what her favorite colors were and redecorated the room accordingly.

This school must be great at preparing the students for transition back home. They even tell parents their children's favorite colors

We learn that The Sister ^tm's name is Caroline and gives us the only interesting shot of the movie

Carla also undresses.

I'm not against the objectification of women or any other gender in movies. I just don't think using underwear choice is the most logical means to indicate character traits.

Carla's mom promising to "make it up" to Carla, not indicating what "it" is. The most efficient method is 1999 pop music over a montage.

Carla tries tennis and wants to quit. The maid tells her that "all well-bred girls play tennis, chess or bridge."

In any other "comedy", this would be a set up to a "joke". For example, Carla gets hit by a tennis ball, falls down, and says something like "Does chess involve getting hit?" or "Will Bridge be less painful?".

In this movie, Carla just asks if she can quit again. I started this movie with extremely low expectations for humor, but I at least expected complete jokes.

Cut to Carla and her mother shopping. A show salesman creepily rubs Carla's feet and makes sexual comments. The mother interrupts. I started this movie with extremely low expectations for humor, but at U at least expected attempts at jokes

Next they go to the opening of an animal shelter. Carla's mother opened the shelter. i think. The pop song is louder than the dialogue. I started this movie with extremely low expectations for humor, but I at least expected to be able to hear the attempts at jokes.

Carla starts talking to one of the dogs in the cages while her mom makes a speech. Then she gets up and barks at the dog. She opens the cage and half-hearted mayhem ensues.

I started this movie with extremely low expectations for humor, but I at least expected a scene in which dogs escape to not be the highlight of the humor.

Carla's mom complains on the phone that she tries all these things to make Carla happy, but nothing works. Also, she is upset that she doesn't know what Carla finds fun and Carla won't tell her. Why not just ask the school that informed you of Carla's favorite color?

Carla runs away but leaves a note, which the maid finds. She yells that Carla has run away.

Cut to a plane. Wait, what?

APPARENTLY, the police found her and asked for her home address. She gave them the school's name.

One would think that, if a police found someone lost, and she told them her address was a school in a place only accessible by plane, they would call the school first. Then the school would respond "Oh yeah, her parents picked her up a few days ago. Let me tell you her parents' phone number and home address."

Maybe she managed to walk far enough to be closer to the school than to home. If that were the case, it must be weeks later because they had to take a plane to get there. The parents didn't notice/find the note for weeks?

Carla's parents meet with the head of the school. He tells them that the mother is smothering her. sMother.

The head says Carla tried to hitchhike 200 miles. So that is an explanation,

The rest of the conversation is essentially "You should stop making decision for Carla and let her be independent."

Here is a handy tip for writing: Telling characters the moral fifteen minutes into a movie makes the remaining hour and forty-five minutes even more agonizing

Carla wants to attend a vocational school called Bay Area Polytech. Her mother say no because of the welding.

"I think welding would help Carla form strong bonds" the head would say if he was in a good movie.

The scene in which the parents and Carla decide to try Bay Area Polytech was cut, so let's just jump ahead to her first day with an ominous slogan

Creepy guys harass Carla, so she takes out her pepper spray. Problem solved.

Carla registers for Computer 101. There is another developmentally disabled person in line who gets bullied. A girl calls him a retard and the camera holds on Carla's face. I wonder why they put that scene in.

At Computer Class, the girl next to Carla flirts with the professor. This movie defines flirting as standing up and playing with the waistline of your pants while asking for private lessons. This movie was made in 1999.

In her room, Carla practices the waistband trick. Her dad walks in. I think that this is supposed to be sad. Or funny. Or awkward.


The boy who got bullied in the line (Daniel) introduces himself to carla. Carla says she is waiting for her dad to pick her up. He asks her out for private lessons a soda and something to eat.

Carla and Daniel ride to a bus station, making me think of Riding the Bus With My Sister. Daniel makes a joke and laughs. Carla gets upset because she doesn't like people laughing at her.

I hope she doesn't read this blog.

Carla and Daniel go a bar and game the system.

Daniel warns Carla not to play against  Black Widow That better be relevant later.

Daniel explains the intricacies of the bus system to Carla. This movie stops crawling along and comes to a complete stop.

Daniel has a job working at a football field. He says he gets paid in marshmallows.

This is an a alleged joke. spectators throw marshmallows at the field and he cleans out the tubas.

See liberals, if he currently gets 5.15 marshmallows/hour, that means his employer is willing to offer 5.15 marshmallows for one hour of his time. If the government raises the minimum marshmallow wage to 5.85 marshmallows/hour, the employer will lay him off because he can't spare that extra 0.70 marshmallow/hour.

Carla is jealous that Daniel gets to live in an apartment alone and says that she couldn't. Daniel tells her that she could do it as well.

It's Carla's birthday.

You know what would be nice? If the movie told us carla's age. I just think it is logical for a coming-of-age movie to reveal the main character's age.

I screen-shotted and enlarged to count the candles. It was rather difficult to figure out the placement of the candles, but it appears to be in two rows. I counted 11 in a row, but the two rows probably aren't even. So Carla is anywhere from 20-25. I shouldn't have to go through all this trouble to figure out a pretty important piece of information


Carla wants to get her own apartment, but her mother deflects. Carla runs into the house

Heather volunteers the following argument;

"You know, a lot of the new books out right now, they advocate disabled people living on their own."

The family decide to hold a meeting and do a vote. The mother agrees, but refuses to let Carla get her own apartment. That's...not how voting works

Her mother says Heather doesn't get a vote because she doesn't live here any more. Furthermore, Carla can't live alone because "What if there was a fire?"

Her mother continues to shoot down all of her family's suggestions because she is guilty about putting Carla into the school.

I wish I had posted this review the week of Mother's Day.

The sisters go inside. We learn that Carla's father used to be an alcoholic because this situation isn't generic enough. Carla's mom yells at him and he leaves

Fifty seconds later, she finds him an apologizes. Are we going to ever get a conflict?

Nobody is at dinner. The mother sarcastically asks

"Is anyone coming to dinner or are we voting on what's being served?"

My standards for humor from this movie are now so low that I found that amusing.

Everyone else comes in wearing the necklaces. This is supposed to increase tension or something.

The mother says that she is going to "try and see it their way" Carla interprets this as "You can get an apartment."

The next day, Carla's dad picks her up and sees her saying goodbye to Daniel.  She insists he is just a friend, but her dad thinks he is her boyfriend.

Carla's mom is upset and confronts her in the middle of a rainy park. Carla straight up asks "is this a sex talk?" The joke is that it is awkward and she pronounces coitus incorrectly.

Her mom tells Carla not to have any boys over, reinforcing the heteronormative culture,

Carla gets lost in the bus system with a relevant song in the background

This is going to be a Me Before You style movie, where the songs tell you what mood you should be in.

Carla makes it to Daniel's house. They talk about music and Daniel gets upset when Carla sings the blues. Daniel plays a marching band song and marches around. Ernie, a painter, comes in.

An agent shows Carla's mom videos of potential apartments. She casually mentions that she wishes Carla was there to watch the videos. We got the message half an hour ago.

Carla and Daniel are watching The Graduate. The best four seconds in this two hour movie are from another movie

Daniel asks whether Carla wants to be his friends. She says that they already are friends, and Daniel clarifies that when he said "friend", he lied and meant "boyfriend"

This is a huge red flag. If he can't communicate clearly before you are dating, what will happen if you agree?

Cut back to apartment shopping. Her mom chooses one based on the windows and fireplaces. People with disabilities have such specific criteria for apartments!

Running back home, Carla stops at the Bakery in which Daniel works. How did he get from his house to the bakery?

Carla tells him she got her own apartment and moves in in two weeks. Wait, what?

This movie has trouble conveying chronology and length of time skips. Remember when I had to do a analysis to figure out her age?

The Graduate, marshmallows, and the intricacy of the bus system took precedent over showing Carla's reaction to her mom picking out an apartment in this story about Carla moving away from her parents and into her own apartment. I'm not doubting the brilliance of this movie; I just don't understand the significance of those elements.

At school, Daniel shows Carla the music room. He missed band practice, but the Dixie Land Band(?) is practicing. He gets to conduct one song.

Carla calls her sister and tells her that Daniel asked her to a dance.

Once again, The Other Sister skips showing Carla's initial reaction to news in favor of her relaying said news to other characters. I'm not sure what the dramatic purpose of this technique is, but it sure does make a dull movie even duller.

Carla wants to do her make-up, and her sister tells her to go to the mall.

Carla almost goes to a $35 makeover, but there is a free demonstration at another station. She goes, but later learns that the free demonstration only does half her face and she has to pay $50 for the other half.
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The most infuriating this about this movie isn't the exploitative nature. It is that there are actually good concepts for humor. This makeup gag could be really funny if the movie had any idea of comedic timing. Or if it didn't play a comedic jazz song while she tries to leave

Back at home, Carla's mother wipes off her makeup and says a lot of people will try to take advantage of her. If this movie was actually good, I would say that that was a clever way to show asymmetrical information.

Are "free makeovers that only cover half the face" really a common problem for people with disabilities?

Carla's mom won't do her make-up, but she will teach her how to dance. We have to make a movie with almost no plot stretch to two hours somehow.

Carla keeps asking questions about sex and I think it's supposed to be funny. It's difficult to figure out where the jokes are in this movie when the jokes don't have any humor in them.

On Halloween, Carla dresses up as a swan to go to her first dance. Daniel comes to pick up Carla. Her mom was unaware that she had a boyfriend


Daniel is dressed as a rat and Carla's mom isn't impressed. They leave for the dance.

Not saying that the movie should go in this direction, but "Carla" sounds a lot like "Carrie" and her mother doesn't want her to go to her first dance.

This decoration is slightly horrifying

A staff member tells the students that first quarter grades are posted downstairs. During the Halloween dance.

Carla and Daniel go to see their grades. Carla got a 77.

But that's not interesting. I am more interested if the girl who asked for private lessons got them. It depends whether her name is Hayley or Jamie

But I'm assuming that they sit in alphabetical order. How come this movie spends so much time on dancing and bus schedules but forgets to resolve crucial subplots?

Carla is excited that she passed. Daniel looks sadly at the sheet until the movie believes it has achieved suspense. Carla reassures him that he didn't fail by much. Daniel breaks down and says he is dumb until the movie believes it has achieved drama.

The rat costume really prevents any chances of one taking this scene seriously.

Following the trend of not having any conflict last for more than a few minutes, Carla reassures Daniel that he isn't dumb and they kiss. Now the movie has reached the paradoxical state where nothing happens but everything happens too quickly simultaneously

Montage of Carla and Daniel doing things. In case you didn't realize that this is uplifting, the soundtrack plays an appropriate upbeat song..

Carla's parents go on a therapeutic sailing trip. Her mom complains about how her children turned out. Her dad delivers the only funny line in the movie thus far.

"You're doing fine. They're not drug addicts, they're not ax-murders, they're not Democrats"

Carla's mom says she wonders whether they are mothers who are better equipped to deal with Carla. I mean, that isn't exactly a difficult criterion.

Now Carla moves into her own apartment. What?

So much of this movie is filler and repetition, but they skip over scenes that actually progress the story. One would think that the scene of moving into her own apartment is logical to include in a story about someone moving into her own apartment. But I think that this movie knows what it is doing,

Carla's mother has a handy list of what to do whenever Carla leaves the apartment

Then they leave, and a pop songs plays

Do what I want

Any old time

Do what I want

Any old time

Repeat forever.

These songs are more on-the-nose than Me Before You.

Carla and Daniel are at a bar and watch someone doing body shots. Daniel says he may have to move to Florida. Good segue.

Back to The Graduate. Their relationship... progressed/

We have to listen to Daniel and Carla talk about having sex and the movie is trying to be funny/awkward but somehow becomes even more boring.

In a surprisingly dark turn, Daniel confesses that a cheerleader molested him while the marching band watched. This upsets Carla, but only because he was with someone before her.

Romantic comedies really shouldn't bring this stuff up casually if they aren't going to take it seriously. I made a Venn diagram to illustrate.

Carla says she loves Daniel and somehow the movie is only half over.

At home, Carla's dad plays chess to symbolize the power dynamics in the family or something like that.

Carla wants Daniel to move in. Her mother vetoes it because the parents pay rent. Carla retorts that her dad pays the rent for the house but her mom makes the rules.

Carla's mother tells her father that Daniel is just after Carla's money. Good. I'm glad this movie depicts real problems

Daniel and Carla look through The New Joy of Sex.

Dear all advocates who argue that there should be more representation of disabled people in sexual relationships,

Watch The Other Sister and be careful for what you argue in the future.

They argue about which position to try. In front of a bowl of bananas. Subtle.

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Daniel takes out so condoms from a family friendly place and demonstrates on a banana. So the banana bowl was actually functional and not merely symbolic. This movie gives us nothing.

Carla says she isn't ready and wants to wait for the next holiday so it will be "special". (Thanksgiving)

Daniel asks why she would want to lose her virginity on a holiday that celebrates imperialism and colonialism that resulted in the genocide of the Native Americans.

I mean, there is another montage with a pop song about respecting girls. I don't know how I mixed that up.

Cut ahead to Thanksgiving. Well, they didn't have to wait long.Carla has dinner at her house, and then has leftovers at her apartment with Daniel.

If the rest of the movie is just her postponing sex, I'm going to be very angry.

Carla tells Daniel that she made the sweet potatoes and added the marshmallows. Daniel says that those were his favorites. This literary technique is a call-back. Because Daniel had to clean out marshmallows from tubas.

Daniel reminds Carla about the sex.

Carla: I wonder who thought up sex in the first place
Daniel: I think it was Madonna, actually.

Joke? Maybe?

Carla and Daniel undress in separate rooms. Then they walk out to meet each other and kiss.

They walk into the bedroom. Daniel puts on the song "Seventy-Six Trombones" and checks "The New Joy of Sex."

Hint: If a book called "The New Joy of Sex" tells you to put on The Music Man in the background, try going back to "The Joy of Sex"

Hint 2: If you can't make any sex-related jokes about "Seventy-Six Trombones", stop writing romantic comedies.

Her mom and maid tell Carla that she looks different, because virginity is a tangible thing that matters.

Daniel calls his father and asks for him not to send money so he can move in with Carla. What is the purpose of this movie?

Daniel gets drunk and sings "If your happy and you know it" in the street. Ernie rescues him and Daniel talks about how Carla is the only one who likes him. Then he drinks some more.

Ernie asks what would make Daniel happy other than Carla. He replies riding in the mustang and getting a job. Then he tries to drink some more, but Ernie knocks the bottle out of his hand. This movie is so inspirational!

Carla's family gets ready to go to a ceremony for Jeff and Caroline but has to wait for Carla. Heather comes down in a dress suit she got from her girlfriend Michelle.

You know a great way to pass the time while you are waiting for someone who is late? Have an argument with your daughter about her homosexuality.

The mother says she supports gay rights but not her gay daughter. This movie forfeited its rights to advocate for any social issues before the opening credits.

Carla comes downstairs with both sides of her face made up.

At the club, Carla and Daniel dance. Carla tells Daniel that if he is brave, he can say whatever he wants.

What is with the messages in this movie?

Daniel interprets being brave as "getting drunk."

Carla's mom watches Daniel drinking glasses of wine. The groom makes a speech, which includes a reference to the bride's "hat hair" and starts dancing with Caroline

Then Daniel gets sufficiently drunk and brings a microphone to the stage to make a speech. This movie can't even do cringe comedy well.

Daniel tells everyone to sit down. He says he loves a girl too, and doesn't have hat hair. For some reason, all the people in the room laugh.

This movie would be a lot better if the romance was romantic.

This movie would be a lot better if the comedy was comedic.

Daniel announces that he is going to Florida and wants Carla to come with him. He also says that he and Carla had sex on Thanksgiving.

Everyone laughs. In what reality does this movie operate?

Daniel sings "Seventy-Six Trombones" from The Music Man.

Carla single-handedly salvages the movie

I was right. This is a remake of Carrie. 10/10, much better than the 2013 one.

3/4 of the way through the movie, so we have to have the romantic leads fight. Carla slaughters everyone with her telekinesis cries in the car.

Daniel approaches the car conveniently at the same time her mom goes to get her her dad. Carla comes out and reminds me that I could be watching a good movie

Carla says she doesn't ever want to see Daniel again. Roll credits.

Unfortunately, there is still a half hour left. Her parents blame it on the alcohol.

Don't drink and speak at a ceremony for your girlfriend's sister's upcoming marriage, kids.

In case you didn't get that Carla and Daniel are sad, the movie plays a sad pop song. Thanks for that.

Daniel gets on a  train.

Cut to wedding rehearsal. This movie is so thrilling.

Carla is upset that Daniel isn't there. Heather says that this is the last family function she will attend without Michelle. Caroline understandably gets upset and says wedding are a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Caroline is very optimistic.

Daniel has some humorous exchanges with a man on the train.

Daniel: But my favorite actor is Dustin Hoffman. Have you ever seen the movie The Graduate?
Man: Is that the one where he's in a dress or is that the one with the camels?

Daniel tells the man the plot of The Graduate and relates it to his own life. The Other Sister thinks very highly of itself.

The Graduate gives Daniel the inspiration to go back to Carla. Unfortunately, he left his ticket on the train, so her can't exchange it and has to hitchhike back.

The song "Mrs Robinson" plays because The Graduate is all this movie has going for it.

At the sister's bachelorette's  party, Carla says she doesn't want to play "pin the penis on the naked guy again" because Carla talking about sex is what this movie considers humorous

Kids, you should hitchhike on strange men's motorcycles.

Caroline and Jeff walk down the aisle. If Daniel burst in, I will give up on this movie.

Well, not really, as I gave up before the opening title..

Daniel tries to get in, but the security turns him away.

Marshmallows rain down on the wedding. Really. One of them lands in Carla's bouquet.

You know what's funny? Daniel climbing down the banners and falling.

The Dad delivers the only funny line in the movie

It should be "would"

Daniel asks Carla to marry him in the middle of her sister's wedding. Everyone claps.

IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE?

Carla's mom calms everyone down and the ceremony finishes.  People dance at the reception. Jeff cuts the cake and Chepa pops out, killing everyone with a gun.

Actually, something less believable happens. Two women tell Elizabeth that the wedding was great.

Carla tells her mom that she has to plan another wedding. When her mom says Carla isn't ready, Carla storms out. Proving her point.

Carla and her mom face off in a field. Her mom says Carla isn't ready, and Carla stands up to her for the first time?

WOW, the first time in the movie the mom actually makes a good pint and this is when Carla snaps. She says she will marry Daniel and won't invite her mom to the wedding

The whole "running off into the rain"  is kind of cliché. But it sure is a lot more effective than "running off into the sprinklers."

In one week, Carla plans the wedding and invites her parents and family.  She says "We are getting married in between another wedding and a funeral. Another funny line

Her mom doesn't want to go.

Is it really this easy to plan a legally binding marriage?

Danny and Carla walk down the aisle.

In a confusing scene, Daniel and Carla insist they want to say their own  vows, which they came up with last minute.

Carla Tate, I love you very much and I want to make you happy, and I take you for you wife forever and forever and forever.

Daniel...Daniel McMahn, I love you very much and I want to make you very happy...and I take you as my wife

See, the joke is that she just repeats "wife"

They kiss, but the pastor reminds them about the rings. They swap and are married.

Now, does this marriage count as legally binding?

The mom walks .She accepts Daniel. Then Heather introduces Michelle because might as well seize the opportunity. The mom accepts Michelle.

A subplot that runs thematically parallel to the main plot is a good idea. It would be better if said subplot had more than a few mentions in a two hour movie, and didn't resolve after the main plot.

I assumed that the homosexuality acceptance subplot had more importance than bus schedules, band practice, and sex "jokes". But who am I to judge the artistic merit of this movie?

A marching band plays Seventy-Six Trombones. The end.

And the moral of the story is "Watch The Graduate."

Everything, Everything

The worst part of Everything, Everything for me was before the movie started. I had to walk up to the ticket booth on the same weekend Alien: Covenant opened and say “One for Everything, Everything.”

Everything Everything is the most misleading movie since Me Before You.  I am surprised that this studio managed to pull off a similar trick twice. Me Before You was advertised as a romantic tearjerker that got everyone upset about "promoting euthanasia." When it came out, the movie was an outright comedy, featuring such hilarious scenes as the beach scene, the thunderstorm scene, and the final scene in Paris.

The Everything, Everything trailer ditched any notion of pretending that the movie was a romance and portrayed some of the funniest scenes in the movies. So I went into the movie expecting a comedy and got a horror movie.

For all its faults, Me Before You was at least competent as a movie.  There were a lot of good things about that movie. For example, the scenes fit together to create narrative progression, and the actors spoke all their lines.

The first and second acts of Everything, Everything are bafflingly horrible.  An “I can’t believe this is a wide-release movie and not an overeager first year film student’s final project with a ten million dollar budget” type of horrible.

I was completely serious about the actors speaking their lines being a positive in Me Before You. Everything, Everything.  Olly and Maddy first communicate via text. The texts appear on the bottom of the screen.  That’s fine. You know, for the type of movie this is. But then they travel inside her model house where only an astronaut lives (stay with me) and speak their texts. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. Hint: Texts don’t make good dialogue.  

The most insulting direction is the beach scene. You know, the same one as in Me Before You. Olly and Maddy talk about their lives, and text appears below them indicating their thoughts. If I didn’t know any better, I might think that this movie was adapted from a poorly-written YA book.

If you are going to see this movie, you must watch it in theaters to get the full experience. I wouldn’t have known which parts were supposed to be funny or cute without the teenage girls giggling.

I don’t see a point recapping the first two acts of the movie because almost nothing happens beyond the synopsis.  Maddy has to stay inside all the time because of her (alleged) SCID and she falls in love with Olly. I just saved you an hour. The twist happens when she runs away to Hawaii with Olly.

Now, most audience member can probably guess the twist. If you haven’t guessed it yet, here is a recap of the clues.

•  Maddy has to stay inside all the time because she allegedly has SCID. 
• She got diagnosed after her father and brother died in a car accident.
•  Maddy constantly talks about how she is “not really living.”  
• Her mother is adamant that she doesn’t see a boy.  
• People have forgotten about Twilight.

So the twist is obvious: Maddy is a vampire. The car accident was a cover-up. Vampires attacked Maddy, her brother, and her father. While her brother and father were aware the entire time, Maddy passed out and has no recollection. Her mother got two coffins for the basement and decided to hide truth from Maddy. That’s why she has to keep her daughter inside all the time away from the sun. The pills that Maddy takes are actually blood pills to satiate her need for blood and medicine that slightly increases her resistance to the sunlight that comes from the windows.

Maddy and Olly land in Hawaii and Maddy immediately shrieks in pain and collapses. The combination of direct sunlight and not taking the pills triggers her vampirism.  Airport security rushes her to the hospital and the staff calls her mom.  Olly is confused and visits her in the hospital after Maddy is stable. Unfortunately, he has a small cut on his leg. Maddy loses control (because she is off the blood pills) and attacks, turning Olly into a vampire. The two of them go on a rampage, turning all the patients into vampires until it is nighttime. Then the entire hospital of vampires storm out the door and engage in a battle with the Hawaiians.

Meanwhile,  Maddy’s mother stocks up on garlic and crosses and flies to Hawaii. She arrives too late and almost the entire island is filled with vampires. She uses the garlic and crosses to ward them off and find Maddy and Olly. Maddy’s mother gives her the blood pills and other medicine and they fly back to their house.

Many of you probably think that this twist came out of nowhere, but there was a lot of foreshadowing. A major theme throughout the film is Maddy thinking she is “not really living.” The double meaning of “not really living” is clever and subverts the assumed ableism in “people with chronic illnesses aren’t really living.” Many vampires identify as undead, and view it as “not really living.” I loved how this seemingly negative statement turns into something different.

The more subtle foreshadowing is at the beginning of the movie, when Maddy first sees Olly out the window. He is wearing a silver cross necklace. When Maddy and Olly finally meet, he no longer had the necklace on. The juxtaposition of the cross with the distance between Maddy and Olly hints that Maddy can’t be near crosses. Very clever!

Also, Maddy says she is not allowed to go into the basement because of the dust.  After the big reveal, we realize that her mother made this rule so she wouldn’t see the coffins. Furthermore, Maddy has to go to bed before sundown so she doesn’t see her father and brother going out into the night.

Once back home, Maddy’s mother gives her some blood pills and other medicine until she is stable. Then Maddy goes downstairs for the first time and sees two closed coffins and one open coffin. Hers.

Some pretty heartwarming dialogue ensues. Maddy’s mother confesses that she wanted to shield the truth from Maddy, so she researched various illnesses and found that SCID would be the best cover-up. Maddy delivers the final line, title, and moral of the story.

Maddy: Mom, you told me everything, everything that was a lie. It’s better to know the truth, because every life is worth living, even if vampires aren’t technically living, so this life is worth unliving.

That’s not an exact quote, and it sounded much better in the movie.

 Then she closes the coffin lid and the movie ends.

FINAL SCORE:

Eight crying teenage girls out of ten. The other two have good taste.

I have to warn parents about the MPAA rating.

Ah, clearly the brief sensuality is the most objectionable thing in this movie.

Special Needs

CW: Extreme ableism and ableist slurs. This is an intentionally offensive movie.

Special Needs is a Troma Films Mockumentary about a producer trying to make a reality show about disabled people. It can't be worse than The Undateables

The credits show the characters filming the reality show, which is a clever way of identifying the actor's names with the character. I guess.

The show inside the movie is called Handicaps.

The movie flashes back two months earlier. As it is a mockumentary, the film consists of interviews. This is good, because I can get the character's names

In case you don't get it, Warren Piece explains that he was not based on the Tolstoy novel. Peanuts did this joke way better.

Philis knew him Warren back when he was called Juan Coco. Philis is obsessed with getting teeth capped. That is her quirk.

A Spanish women without a convenient name subtitle says she met Warren on a tour bus. She moved to the front because nobody "wants to sit by the white devil" Social commentary?

A magazine informs us that Warren Piece's latest series "dead on Wendnesday" failed and he left America.. I don't mind this exposition, as it is a mockumentary

The Spanish woman is his wife. She says that they never made it past the border, and then corrects herself with "finished the tour". Why do I choose movies about current events

Warren goes on a spiel about deli cats, who live in delis and catch mice. This is going to be a "random=humor" movie, isn't it?

Laura Wilcox is a stereotypical casting director. Get used to that. She rips up all the headshots because she never "the next Julia Roberts" This 2005 mockumentary is relevant

David Smith is a reality show judge. He was in the military and then worked in a penitentiary. Remember what I said about getting used to stereotypes?


Warren, Laura, and David founded CNT network. Their first idea for a show was called Prospectors. Contestants would go underground and prospect for gold.

Josh Kenny put a titanium rod onto the mining helmet with a wireless camera. Then he put a lead mesh to balance it out.

The second show was about surviving a pack of red wolfs in Arizona. there are no red wolves in arizona. Because they are extinct. That's the joke.

Warren talks about how he wants to be rivited when watching TV.  Meta.

Warren calls a phone conference to pitch his new reality show idea. He starts really strong with talking about how awful reality TV is. Then he sings "where do we go from here?"

10/10 for having an Evita reference
0/10 for the "gay people like musical theater" stereotype

Warren comes into office in a wheelchair.

Okay, the show is clearly about people with disabilities, yet the wheelchair is a hospital wheelchair.

Warren starts the pitch: "The contestants are all deformed, deranged, psychotic, retarded, paraplegic, quadriplegic, wheelchair-ridden"

If you get offended by this movie, you give it strength. So don't.

Way to erase invisible disabilities.

Warren goes on to explain that the contestants will battle it out under three judges. So this is just bad Hunger Games fan-fiction. (But I repeat myself)

The show is called "Handicaps"

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Cue "comedic" awkward silence.

Richie Goldman approves- claiming that people at home feel sorry for themselves and have to project it onto a TV show. So this mockumentary just got amazing.


Laura and Richie channel the America dream telling people with disabilities to pull themselves up by their bootstraps

Laura decides to hire Natalie, an admirer of hers, because the world needs "more positive females role models, like Nancy Regan, Margaret Thatcher, Janet Reno..."

This 2005 mockumentary is relevant.

Then Laura gets angry that Natalie put skim milk in her coffee.

Ken Duchamp is the Line Producer- which means getting people coffee. The movie repeats this joke several times.

Natalie Winters, the same Natalie who put skim milk in the coffee, is the production assistant. This means cleaning the kitchen. She says she is going to have to sleep with some of the staff to get noticed.

This mockumentary isn't so much satire on disabilities as it is people complaining about working in a tv studio

Now Warren sits with CNT and goes through the script.

Richie Goldman, the Chief Broadcasting Executive, objects to the title Handicaps as not PC. He's the kind of guy who thinks that SJWs will have re-written the dictionary by the time he finishes the meeting.

David Smith claims that "handicaps" will alienate veterans. Warren fires back that veterans are not their target audience. Gates are successfully kept.

Cue Brainstorming:

• Ready, Willing, and Disabled

• Down with the Down's

• Special People

Warren says that unless they come up with something brilliant in the next 30 seconds, the title will be Handicapped. David suggests "Freak it out" So the title will be Handicaps.

Here is a quick graph demonstrating the relationship between "offensive material" and "offense taken"

At some point, the offensive material becomes so ridiculous it ceases to be offensive. That's this mockumentary

According to the time stamps, it took them an hour to decide on the title.


Warren calls Josh to pick up some magic markers and lattes. He passes it off to Natalie. Social commentary.

She gets revenge by putting ExLax in it. Laura is okay with it because it isn't skim milk.

Then they go to Coney Island to see the freak show for inspiration. Remember, if you get offended by this movie, the movie wins.

Natalie tells Josh about the ExLax, which he claims is the "most brilliant thing he has ever heard." That's because he is in a Troma movie.

Natalie and Josh drink look at the notes on the easel about Handicaps.

Josh sums up The Undateable Handicaps: "I think what they're trying to do is create a show that exploits handicapped people, giving the audience a voyeuristic thrill, showing people every intricate detail of their daily live. But then they make the audience feel less guilty by giving the handicaps some sort of prize that makes their lives  better in the end"

Josh gets an idea to attach a camera on the tops of wheelchairs so that they wouldn't need a camera man following them around.

First of all, way to assume that all the participants would use wheelchairs. Secondly, that would make the entire show in first-person POV.

But Natalie come up with "Handicam". As long as it has a clever name. Which is the generic form of the brand name HandyCam.

Natalie and Josh brainstorm about the competition. So the two production assistants, one of whom just fetches coffee, do all the work. This is actually a critique of capitalism, isn't it?

The idea is that each handicap...

Yes, this show refers to contestants as "handicaps". I am going to do the same, because making the terms of this show PC is giving in to it.

The idea is that each handicap will have a special talent and celebrity judges and audiences will call in their opinions. When did this become amazing?

Josh asks Natalie to go out for a beer. So this mockumentary gives more useful relationship advice than The Undateables.

When the producers returns to CNT, they find the room vandalized and illicit substances. So David discipline Natalie, Josh, and Ken. The joke is that Ken was at Coney Island.

Natalie confesses, but David suspends their pay and demands that the three empty their bags.

Josh claims that that violates every labor law.

Richi and Laura bring the notes about the show to Wendy, the secretary, and ask her to type this up. This is about capitalism and surplus.

At Richie's Loft, Richie, Laura, David, and Warren discuss the notes that they haben't read yet. As with the first meeting, they get stuck right away.

Warren asks where the contestants will live in. He rejects California because "There are no freaks in California". He decides on a Victorian house with spiral staircases and taxidermy. He will call it: Handiland.

Richie comes up with the most obvious objection- the money. Warren retorts with the fact that they won't have to pay the contestants.

The next day, Rita, who doesn't have a subtitle, says she approves the proposal. I think she is the financier.

Her only problem is the two million dollar house.

The next step is casting. Ken puts out ads in newspapers and magazines. He claims that the usual avenues won't work because there is not a lot of demand for actors with disabilities.

Troma is raising actual issues.

Josh worries that one will have "some blind person checking out the casting online or some retard looking at the trade papers"

Crude language aside, this is actually a good point about accessibility.

Unfortunately, they didn't get any contestants with "deformities". Josh blames it on modern medicine.

At the next meeting, Laura complains that they need some "profoundly deranged people" Josh wants HDP=Happy Deformed People.

Josh brings up the issue of sociopaths killing other contestants in their sleep. Laura suggest putting risk of death in the contracts, but Josh vetoes it.

Laura asks what happens if the schizophrenics kill themselves. That's the punchline

Going over the applications, Natalie asks whether alcoholics count as disabilities.

I got it. This entire mockumentary is a satire on insurance companies. How topical.

The first interview is with Randy Scanzillo. His brother, Andy, has to lay in bed all the time. He is extremely paranoid.

Phillis Blackman claims that Randy is such a non-entity that he "couldn't get arrested in NYC." This is topical.

Randy decided to apply even though he doesn't have a physical handicap. The punchline to this segment is that he isn't at an interview- he is talking to his brother

The next applicant is Bob Bennet, a 6.5 man with szchophrenia and multiple personalities. Natalie decides that he is not telling the truth about his handicapped.  Josh says that there is a mandatory psych and IQ test to weed out the "fakers." Ken decides to call him in because he is "delicious"

This is such great commentary on insurance companies.

Phyllis complains that Randy sold himself out too soon. Bob first job was in a parody of the Teletubbies.

Randy came across the ad for Handicaps. Cindy, his girlfriend, suggested that he pretended to be disabled so that he could be in the show.

Natalie comes across an application from a rapper with CP named Killer P.
Ken decides to call because they need at least one black.

Damn Liberals, always ignoring the "best applicant for the job" with "diversity"

Killer P decides to audition to make some money.

Killer P: Is the show exploitative? What in America isn't?

See, this mockumentary is brilliant because it is using the fake reality show to comment on itself.

Killer P then explains his plan to write a detailed guide on how to have sex with girls with different disabilities. It's called "Crips and Tits".

That is one way to make The Undateables more interesting

The casting call takes place in a hotel in Chinatown. Ken splits the group into three categories: Mental, Crippled, and Deformed.

He complains that he yelled at one person for ten minutes before realizing that he was deaf.

Bob Bennet did a lot of research on schizophrenic- not shaving and wearing glasses

Killer P. gets angry that they are waiting so long. Definitely a healthcare allegory.

Sunday Says that she let people ride in her wheelchair for money to travel to Chinatown

At the exam room, Josh hands out a psych and IQ test, but a man with Tourettes keeps interrupting with verbal tics. Later, Josh admits to wanting to punch the man.

Someone gets a seizure in the waiting room. Comedy?

David goes into the waiting room and gives an inspirational speech to the people still waiting to be called. it boils down to this:

"We know you are hungry, but you have to be hungry in this business. When you walk into the room, we will judge you all the same You have it pretty good, because I have two kids I have to put through medical school."

Warren starts the auditions. He tells the participants not to worry, as it is only one of the few chances they will have to make something of themselves

When a movie is this good, I can't really add much to make it funnier.

Sunday sings two lines of "This Little Yellow Square" and then leaves when David shakes his head.

The other auditions are similar.


I blame Ken for not putting down "talent" as a requirement in the recruitment ad.

Bob Bennet comes in for his audition. Warren crushes on him.

Bob does a more convincing performance of multiple personalities than James Macavoy,

Laura: I don't care how many personalities you have, none of the are working for me right now.

Warren asks Bob to take off his shirt.

Killer P is the last audition. We know he will make it, because he is the "cool" one and also the last one. His friend is named Joe.

Josh says"What's up, dog?" to Joe, who snaps back not to call him dog. This impresses Laura.

He raps. Laura says the only thing that he has going for him is his attitude. Then the following classic dialogue happens:

Josh: By any chance, were you injured as a result of gang-related violence

Killer P: I got CP, bitch.

Warren doesn't think he is "street" enough.

This leads to one of the greatest lines in cinematic history.

Rita: You were attacked by a gun-toting paraplegic and thrown out of the sleazist hotel in Chinatown?

Rita is understandably upset about the potential for a lawsuit. Warren wants to a callback.

Remember the magazine at the beginning of the movie that mentioned the failed show "Dead on Wednesday"? Here we get an explanation. This is known as "Chekov's Gun"

Rita reminds them of the failure of "Dead on Wednesday," in which they tell a perfectly healthy man that he will die on Wednesday and then follow him around and tell him it was a joke on Wednesday.

She is upset because one contestant died from stress on Monday and they had to play seven hours of funeral footage.

One could say the idea was dead on arrival.

Ken says that they narrowed the contestants to 14 contestants because most of them were fakes.
Insurance company allegory.

Laura goes to a bar to get away from the studio. A guy hits on her. He is drunk. Also, his legs were injured in a ski accident. They go back to Laura's apartment and have sex.

I was worried we would go through the entire movie without a pointless sex scene.

Laura should read "Crips and Tits"

Troma studios portrayed people with disabilities having sex.

Warren burns a chakra stick to bring positive energy, because people with disabilities "have really negative. Uh, cultural appropriation?

At callbacks, Laura is late because she is still sleeping. Warren burns the chakra stick to get rid of negative energy

After an hour, they decide to start auditions without the casting director. Here is a sample of the classic dialogue:

Richie: He just looks...short.

Candidate: I'm a fucking dwarf, shithead

Warren: Your attitude sucks, but you look like Jack Nicholson

Warren tells the candidate to "think taller."

Okay, this mockumentary gets the whole "cringe comedy" absolutely perfect. Richie is the audience surrogate and his reaction to everything completes the jokes.

But the best part is Laura entering right when Warren and the candidate are doing a ventriloquist routine.

Let's look at that chart again:

Laura leaves, claiming it is disgusting.

Warren confronts her and asks why she is acting that way. Laura confesses that she had sex with a paraplegic.

The music and tone is perfect.

Warren convinces Laura to cast the show in a hilariously heart-warming scene.


Randy brings in a cassette to dance to. They don't have a cassette player.

All of the contestants are dancers

Contestant: I'm one of those, what you would call a little person.

Warren: You don't look short to me.

Contestant: I appreciate that.

Warren: That's not a compliment.

Contestant: I have a tendency to say things that offend people without my control.

Josh: So does Laura.

Warren: You're not a midget, but you sure are short on talent.

The problem with these movies is that they are so funny I can't make them funnier.

Big D. is blind. This is a problem for the staff is that he doesn't have a cane or dog, so he isn't marketable.

Natalie comes in with Jon Ficatta. Jon doesn't respond to any of the judges' questions.

Natalie: He can't hear you. He's deaf.

Warren: Well he doesn't look deaf.

Natalie and Jon repeat the same scene over and over. It only works when they mimic sex. So it's a good portrayal of TV.

Ken announces that there are no more contestants. it is time to decide.

This is probably my favorite and most offensive scene in the mockumentary

One of the running gags in this mockumentary is that one character will say something offensive, then you think another character will call them out on it, but they are really correcting something else. Like this

Josh: We have two midget, so it's an easier elimination

Laura: Correction: We have one dwarf, and one midget

Warren points out that Big D. is blind and John Foccata's deaf. The logical conclusion is that they should have a gay love affair in episode three.

This is about fanfiction.

Josh vetos the idea unless they are "roommates"

Warren wants to hire Bob to "Keep the housewives interested"

Josh goes through the iq tests and psych evals and diagnoses everyone. This is a satire on self-diagnosis.

Laura wants Randy on the show. Warren doesn't. The compromise is that he can be on the show, but he gets eliminated in the first episode.

Let's look at that graph again.

The callbacks happen. Ken hits on Killer P.

Warren announces that the house got built express from China. Josh asks whether is is OSHA compliant.

The problem with this mockumentary is that I don't know whether things are mistakes or jokes. I don't know whether they meant OSHA or the ADA.

Apparently, Warren ordered 15 spiral staircases for this house. Josh uses this to hand Rita two binders of transgressions in order to get Warren fired.

Rita points out that Josh hasn't made the company money and kicks him off the project. Rita takes Josh's role.

Cut to two weeks later for the photo shoot. This is the same scene as the beginning.

In a clever commentary, the mockumentary interviews all the able-bodied producers but leaves the contestants in the background. I don't know if that was intentional, but because I like this film, I will pretend that it is.


Josh and Natalie describe a spin-off: Terminal House. Eight terminally ill people in the same house.

Warren Piece concludes with "Anyone who thinks reality TV is dead should die!"

This is actually a great mockumentary with social commentary. I can't wait to watch the other Troma films and find the social commentary in:

Cannibal! The Musical

Surf Nazis Must Die

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Poultrygeist:Night of the Chicken Dead