A Little Piece Of Heaven

A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is about a boy who kidnaps Christmas playmates for his disabled sister.

And I thought there were no disability Christmas horror movies.

I was planning to have this done before Christmas, but the version I found had a part deleted. So I had to get the DVD. I am glad I did, because the picture quality is better and this is absolutely a so-bad-its-good movie.

This movie starts with Will (Kirk Cameron) telling his father that if he wants to be a pig farmer, he doesn't  have to go to college. This was in 1991.

Will also says he wants to do something good for the world. Like being a pig farmer or Saving Christmas (2015).

Violet, his sister, runs to tell her mother that she ate two pieces of Will's birthday cake.

They are at a graveyard. If you're thinking that this will be a respectful portrayal of developmental disabilities, you don't know who Kirk Cameron is.

"I ate two whole pieces of Will's birthday cake. Will has 18 now, but Papa says I'm still the oldest because I have 22."

The graveyard setting foreshadows the true genre of this movie: horror.

I've joked about non-horror movie being horror movies before. But trust me, this is actually a horror movie.

On the drive back, Will proposes making a man-made lake and creating a recreational center around it. The family enters an orphanage called Hamlin House.

Edwina, the owner, announces that the orphanage is closing at the end of the year and the children will be transfered to the Raskin Facility. Maybe if the sign was easier to read, the orphanage would be more successful. White letters on a clear background?

Back at home, Violet rides a stationery bike as her father reads her a book about Edward V and the Duke of York. Will comes in and mentions that when an elephant herd finds an orphan, they don't always adopt it. Violet quips that if Will were an elephant, nobody would have adopted him.

Wow, five minutes into the movie and I already hate all the characters.

Also, that's one of the clumsiest ways to establish that Will is an orphan.

Will talks to the pigs about his fear of getting older. Violet comes in and says that pigs can't talk and also their father is sleeping in the truck.

Cut to the funeral. The eulogy is quite amazing. It's mostly about how the world isn't fair. It's difficult for me to choose just one line.

"The world didn't turn out fair, so God made Cecil Loomis to raise a son who was not his own at birth, to raise a daughter different from the rest of us to be educated, productive, and an asset to her community."

This would have been a much more natural way to reveal that Will is an orphan than the elephants, but oh, well.

Will covers up their fathers camper, which symbolizes their father's death. Then Violet dresses up like a princess to go trick-or-treating. I think. Some time later (this movie doesn't depict time well), Will reads Violet the story of the Trojan Horse. This connects to how a Halloween movie hid inside the DVD case of a Christmas movie.

At dinner, Violet casually proposes going to heaven to see Mama and Papa. The music soars just to remind us that this is not a horror movie.

Will tries to get Violet to take care of the pigs, but she freaks out when she gets mud on her clothes.

Cut to Violet holding up a cherry for a long time and then eating it.

Jenny Robertson's performance is similar Juliette Lewis' in The Other Sister. I bring this up here because I think this scene should have been in The Other Sister. It's so obvious- have Carla Tate stare at a cherry longingly towards the beginning and then eat it. This foreshadows the "important" scene where Carla loses her virginity.

That would have been the most subtle scene in The Other Sister.

Violet and Will are at a drug store. The pharmacist gives us some exposition about the Hamlin house. even though the Hamlin house is shutting down, the state is still sending more orphans.

The pharmacist gives Will some sedatives for Carla's tantrums called Occumsrazorin, warning that an overdose could cause her to sleep for a week.

I think that the next part is funny, but I'm not sure if A Little Piece of Heaven has just lowered my standards for humor. A woman comes in with a small child and hands the pharmacist a pill bottle because she can't open the child-proof cap.

The child cries because she wants a ballerina calendar. In response, the mother rips up a magazine her girl has and slaps her. But I'm more interested in this subtle indication of the time of year,

The ice-cream vendor tells Will that Mrs. Olander always slaps her kids. Violet says something thematically relevant. I think. It's not coherent:


"Will, do you think that moon's at school because it's too many stars?"


At night, Violet prays for God to not make Christmas so lonely that year, unknowingly  jump-starting the sadistic scheme of this horror movie to kidnap kids and ends with a quirky

"A-women...and men"

God nullifies the prayer because he's not into this feminism thing.

This may be stereotyping, but I just don't see Kirk Cameron being concerned with gender-inclusive language.

A television reporter announces that every 13 seconds, a parent or caretaker abuses a child and that a baby girl just died after being abandoned.

"One wonders whether it will ever be possible to make laws to teach people who understand enough about themselves and the people they love to make 'heaven on earth' more than an expression. Perhaps the answer lies in each and every one of us to ask ourselves, as individuals, 'what can I do?'"

I went back over that several times and I still have no idea what he is trying to communicate.

This inspires Will to go to Hamlin House and...do something.

Edwina introduces Will to Janet, the state-appointed official who will transition kids to the Raskin Facility. She calls the facility a hellhole.

I was considering putting a "Subtle" after that line but I can't. This movie is amazing.

Edwina leaves with Will, mentioning that Janet "goes by the book but isn't all terrible." Janet hears.

In the very next scene, Janet brings Will a piece of cake as he goes through a file cabinet. This is the movie's philosophy: "tell, then show." Will finds the file of an orphan who is coming the next day.

In the background, the kids sing "this old man came rolling home." It's so clever because Will has had to grow up quickly now that his old man died, so he comes back to the home he grew up in.

After the next plot point, I had to look at the DVD to confirm that this is a family movie.

Will crushes up the Occamsrazorium and puts it inside the cake to give to the new orphan.

Drugging orphans with prescription sedatives: Suitable for all family viewing.

Will promises Violet that she won't be lonely at Christmas. Violet wants to go to Heaven to see their parents. Not a horror movie.

Will infiltrates the orphanage to kidnap secretly adopt the new kid. The music honestly sounds like the climax of a thriller. This movie is amazing. Will uses chickens to lure the orphans out (as you usually do) and finds the bed of the new kid.

What's the twist?

Kirk Cameron: You're Black?!

He's only upset because now he can't claim he is his cousin. He is not racist.

I would have thought that Will would have known this from the file if he got to his weight, but this isn't the worst part. You know what the worst part about this is?

"These children are orphans.
And orphans don't have parents."

Also, he leaves some baseball cards behind.

Janet and Edwina are understandably upset. Apparently, the new kid is a runaway.

Edwina: His color should keep him from getting too far in the community

Oh, a double meaning with biting social commentary.

Violet is upset that she got a boy for Christmas. Beggars, choosers, etc.

She is more upset when she learns that he came from the Hamlin House. Will explains that the boy has a history of running away, so they will just think he ran away again. Oh, that makes it better.

Ready for a nuanced portrayal of a young boy of color?

After learning that his cards are back at the House, Salem Bordeaux asks for his shoes so he can go get them back.

Will: Your shoes?

Salem: What's wrong with you man? You retarded?

Violet: No, he's my brother and I'm developmentally disabled.

Salem: That's a retard!

I did not know that A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) would have a scene I would actually laugh at. This truly is a Christmas Miracle.

Salem is confused because there are no bars on the windows. Will says he arranged for Will to come to his house.

Will: With just you and me and Violet and the pigs.

Salem: The cops!

Salem tries to leave and get the cards, but Will wants to make him stay. What would a rational person do?

Will informs Salem that he died in a fire and this is Heaven.

Violet eats cereal more quickly. This movie has good comedic timing.

At Hamlin house, Edwina informs the policeman that she impersonated his voice and reported the disappearance as a kidnapping to the FBI. I hope that the FBI has ways to detect this sort of thing. The policeman tells Edwina that that was "wrong"

Back to Salem. I have never been in his situation, but I think that I would have a lot of questions.

Like: "Why are we three the only ones in heaven?". "Do people on Earth know?

Salem asks how each of them died.

Will says he was shot in a bank robbery,

Violet says she ate too much and exploded
.
His second question is why he doesn't get a halo.

Salem is upset that his cards burned in the fire because he stole some of them.

Finally, Salem questions the lack of African-Americans. Kirk Cameron complains about affirmative action.

Later, Salem and Will play checkers inside. Will theorizes that this is actually Hell. 'This' is watching A Little Piece Of Heaven (1991).

 Given that Salem thinks Will is some sort of angel, clearly, A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is paying homage to Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal (1957).

Salem demands to go to Hell instead. Violet says Will should have gotten a girl.

FBI agent Jack Daniels comes to Hamlin house to talk to Edwina. A young girl complains that a boy told her nobody would marry her because of her ears. Edwina tells her to tell him that she'll rip off his head and spit down his neck. I think this is supposed to be funny because the FBI agent is right next to her.

 Jack Daniels watches TV. Edwina finds Salem's baseball card collection under his pillow.

So...the FBI agent comes to investigate and sits down to watch TV before going up to the bedroom of the boy in question?

Edwina tells Jack Daniels that Salem was kidnapped because he left his baseball cards behind.

A mysterious person leaves a basket at the door of Heaven. It's cookies.

Kids, if you find a strange basket of cookies on your doorstep, definitely eat them.

Also, feed them to your dog. And dolls.

Violet is upset that Salem swears and Will keeps telling her to lie. Heaven sure lowered its standards.

Salem goes to the barn and a pig attacks him.

Just wondering what Salem thinks of the pigs. Does he think they are dead? If so, are they the only dead pigs who go to heaven? Are all the other pigs not in heaven or in different parts of heaven? And what happens when they breed? Or die? Doesn't Will make pork? How does he explain killing the dead pigs?

Violet watches Will hook up a phone. Will warns Violet not to tell Salem about the phone, because it might confuse him.

That will confuse him, not the pigs.

Dinnertime. Salem refuses to eat anything.

Will tells Salem that a lot of people would be happy to have a meal like this. Will is extremely confused about keeping up this "being dead" thing up. Why doesn't Salem ask why he has to eat?

Salem throws a tantrum, Violet runs away, and Will snaps at Salem.

Will goes to comfort Violet and Violet casually asks Will to swing 'round the orphanage and pick up a girl for Christmas. I sure hope there is a girl at the orphanage with a history of running away

Every time this movie delves into the creepiness of the concept, there's some sentimental music the reassure the viewer that this is heartwarming.

Will dresses up as an angel to infiltrate the orphanage. So he'll be less conspicuous.

If this was a competent movie, the angel costume would be Violet's Halloween costume.

I thought that this is the orphanage, but it is actually Hazel Olander's house, the abused girl in the store. Will tosses a rock to a window and gets Hazel,

If this weren't Kirk Cameron, this would be incredibly, incredibly disturbing.

Will tells Hazel that he is her guardian angel to take her to heaven. Hazel died last night when her appendix burst.

Hazel is confused because her mom told her that she would burn in hell. Will assures Hazel that kids never go to Hell.

Hazel misses a great opportunity to ask whether this includes LGBTQ+ kids.

I hope that St. Peters asks people their genders before they go into Heaven. Dying should negate the assigned gender at birth. Of course, this assumes that non-cis people get into Heaven. In a review of a Kirk Cameron movie.

Discount Pearly Gates.

The movie is more than halfway over and I have one main complaint:

Why did TV stations waste my time every year with A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas when I could have watched Kirk Cameron dressed as an angel kidnap an little girl, tell her that her appendix burst, and take her to Heaven?

Will deposites Hazel in the bed next to Violet. This movie is so creepy, I'm surprised he didn't wrap her up and put her under the tree.

I hope he gets her a ballerina calender.

Will takes Salem to the barn to shoot diseased birds. Here comes the "death in heaven" question.

Salem: How comes there's disease in heaven?

Will: Well, no place is perfect. Now if the pigs drink the water that's infected by the starlings, they'll die.

Salem: Pig's already dead.

Finally, the kid is pointing out the plot holes.

Will deflects this with some rhetoric about "recycling" and leaves Salem alone with the gun.

At the orphanage, Janet and Edwina are upset about another kidnapping. Edwina decides to go check on Mrs. Olander.

Violet wakes up to her Christmas present, and immediately asks what happened to her face.

Hazel lies and says she lives in a big house and fell down the stairs, but now she's dead.

Violet reacts.

It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie. It's not a horror movie.


At dinner, Will says he bought some new clothes. Neither Hazel nor Salem question the existence of stores.

Then Carrie, the obvious love interest new neighbor, knocks on the door and throws a huge wrench in the heaven facade. Will tries to talk to her with Salem standing behind him. This could be a humorous scene if it didn't contain possibly one of the worst dialogue exchanges I've ever heard.

Will: Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Carrie: Sounds like a TV show.

This movie is amazing.

Will tells Carrie that Salem has the measles. He tells Salem that Carrie could either be an angel or a spy, and they don't want to risk letting her in.

Maybe A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) has some deep theological relevancy using the farm as an allegory for heaven and the next-door neighbor as...

Will goes outside to talk to Carrie. Carrie informs Will that she is the one who left the cookies. She also left her number in the basket.

I never would have guessed that this movie would involve Kirk Cameron trying to conceal that he kidnapped two kids in order to get with his new neighbor from the poster.

Will tells Salem that Carrie is an angel. Salem asks whether they have romance in heaven and high-fives Will.

I get that this is a Kirk Cameron family movie (which advocates kidnapping kids and telling them that they are dead), but I just think Salem would ask something more explicit to warrant a high-five.

This also raises the LGBTQ question again.

Edwina calls. Violet answers and tells her that she made a lemon-meringue pie and asks if she can drop it off in an hour or so.

At a café, Edwina and the FBI Agent Jack Daniels casually talk about the case. Edwina complains that Hazel's dad was a drunk. Jack Daniels announces he was adopted, which somehow convinces Edwina to tell Jack Daniels that Will has a key to the orphanage. Can I just point out that this is in a public café and she's talking to an FBI agent?

One of the last refuges in the War On Christmas

Violet tells Hazel that she also fell down stairs when she was young. Her mom thought that that was what "made her age stick", but the doctors said it was from when she was born.

"Making her age stick" is the euphamism for "developmentally disabled."

Hazel reveals that she didn't fall down stairs. Her daddy hit her. Violet hugs her.

This is bizzare. In any non-Kirk Cameron movie, this would be the start of Stockholm Syndrome

Will has to leave for "something" He assures Violet that nothing bad will happen while he is gone.

Doing all the horror movie cliches.

Violet guesses correctly that Will is going to see Carrie. The other horror movie about religious fanaticism.

Jack Daniels wants to do fingerprint analysis on Salem's files, as he sees smudges and knows that Will was in the file room. He and Edna go to "Heaven."

At a bar, Carrie asks Will how Violet will take of herself if Will goes to college.

An early example of Kirk Cameron using
the chocolate drink motif.

Will doesn't know because he doesn't think Violet will be able to go out and kidnap children herself.

Carrie and Will simultaneously ask "Do you want to have a family?"

I feel like this isn't first date conversation, and the "two kidnapped children" might be a deal-breaker.

Jack Daniels and Edna talk about Will on the way to "heaven". Cecil says she and her husband adopted him because they couldn't have children. That's how they started the orphanage. And then t the Loomises adopted Will because they didn't want to risk having another child after Violet.

You have to brush your teeth in heaven?

A knock on the door. In another totally-not-a-horror-movie-scene, Violet tells Salem and Hazel to hide quietly upstairs while she slowly walks downstairs to the door.

With the suspenseful music.

Holding her toothbrush,

She talks to Jack Daniels and Edna, insisting that she and Will have the measles.

Jack Daniels and Edna ask if they are alone. Violet replies that Mom and Dad are in Heaven.

After they leave, she admits that Will lied.

A Little Piece Of Heaven (1991) could do a better job portraying developmentally disabled people as capable of keeping kidnapped children.

The next day, Salem explains to Will that two "bad angels" tried to get into the house.

Then he complains that in heaven, the FBI can just come right to your door instead of having to sneak around like on Earth.

Jack Daniels, Edna, and Janet talk about the case *in front of a playground full of kids*

Edna insists that Violet wouldn't lie.

Jack Daniels: Maybe Violet didn't lie. Maybe she never saw Salem or Hazel. Maybe they're not alive.

Will confronts Violet in the barn about the FBI agents. Carrie just walks right into the barn without announcing herself. (?)

Salem asks if he should get the gun.

Hazel asks Carrie how she died.Will manages to get Carrie to leave and tells her to come back in a few hours. He tells Violet, Salem, and Hazel that they have to go somewhere else.

Jack Daniels reveals to Edna that he called in backup agents to go the the Loomis' house because Will might be dangerous.

Will, Violet, Salem and Hazel pack everything into their father's camper and leave. Will leaves a note for Carrie. It's probably something like this:

Dear Carrie,

I'm on a run from the FBI because I kidnapped two children and told them that they died. I'll have to postpone our date. I hope you understand.

Love,
Will

Salem sits on the floor in the front seat as Will drives. He holds up a gun.

Will tells him to put it under the seat. Then Will admits that he lied, they aren't dead, this is Earth, and the FBI are chasing them.

Maybe don't tell him this while you know he has a gun?

Jack Daniels, Edna, and the agents investigate the Loomis' house. Edna finds a strand of Hazel's hair on the pillow and brings it downstairs.

I'm not positive about this, but I just assumed that they don't let non-FBI agents into a crime scene in case they do something like pick up a hair strand with their bare hands.

She even takes off her gloves.

And these guys have gloves on.

Salem is kind of upset that he's been with a kidnapper instead of an angel. Will insists he is not a kidnapper, which is true if you redefine "kidnapper" to mean "someone who doesn't kidnap."

Salem says he doesn't believe in God because He never answered his prayers.

Will: Of course God answered your prayers, Salem. He said no.

Best Christmas Horror Movie Villains

Jack Daniels tells Edwina that Will is one of the "sickies" who seems normal and nice until "he's killed himself after he's opened fire on a schoolyard full of children."

While on the run from the FBI, Will runs out of gas and has to stay over an empty motel. Salem finds a pocketknife and letter in the camper and hands them to Will.

The filmmakers have to know what they are doing, right? They can't be this oblivious. One scene after suggesting Will could commit suicide, Salem gives him a knife.

The letter is from his birth mother. A knock on the door. It's Carrie.

Will called Carrie and told her where they were without Salem, Hazel, or Violet knowing. in this small motel.

Carrie asks why Will did "this."

And any thought of this movie being self-aware leaves as the most sentimental music plays and Will looks off into the distance. Of the bathroom.

BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Will says he did it all because he just wanted a family. So a woman is in the bath of a motel with a man with a traumatic childhood (and a knife) who attempts to artificially maintain a family after the death of his guardian by...

I'm trying to make the reference subtle but I can't.

BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Carrie reads the letter out loud, which gives the absolutely amazing story of Will's birth mother:

Evelyn Millicent Kent was a blind 13 year-old who tried to "make grown-ups" (actual euphemism) with Gerald H. Bearings. She got pregnant, and Gerald got sent to military school. Since she needed help with simple things, she gave Will to the orphanage.

This movie gives me so much joy.

I recommend looking up Kirk Cameron's views on premarital "making grown-ups."

Exactly four seconds after Carrie stops reading the letter, Jack Daniels announces over a megaphone that the FBI has surrounded the motel and confiscated his weapons. They give him four minutes to come out of the house and release the hostages.

Merry Christmas?

Will uses over three of the minutes to explain that whole "this isn't Heaven and I messed up" to Hazel.

Actual stuffed lamb.
 Symbolism doesn't have to be subtle.

They try to have a sentimental moment when the FBI is about to raid the motel in thirty seconds.

Will leaves the motel with his arms up and the only reason his arms aren't out like a cross is realism.

Carrie, Violet, Salem, and Hazel walk outside.  Salem raises his hands, claiming they are family, and the others follow.

This is all punctuated with victorious music .

The FBI arrests Will.

I'm no expert on the legal system, but I'm almost positive this movie takes some...liberties.

I assume this is a bench trial? But why would the victims be there? Wouldn't they be with a trauma specialist? Or at least NOT RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR KIDNAPPER?

We skip right to the verdict.

Hint: It's guilty.

Judge: You will serve a jail sentence of not less than-

Salem: Excuse me, Judge.

Salem explains that Will isn't a criminal because he knows real criminals from when he grew up.

Hazel says that Will has a really nice house and Violet was her sister there.

Violet explains that their parents are dead.

Salem: Judge, did you ever have someone be really nice to you

The judge changes his sentence. Will has to have his house open to orphans 365 days under the supervision of Edna. It will be called "The Cecil Loomis Home for Children."

Okay, the Judge clearly forgot law school and based his judgement on a bizarre interpretation of a song from The Mikado.

The only sensible thing about this is that the court will be responsible for bringing orphans to the orphanage.

Everyone gathers in the barn and watches a newborn piglet.

A token black pig.

Violet names the pig Heaven.

When they finally turn it into bacon, they can say "Can I have A Little Piece of Heaven (1991)?"

Violet tells Will that he makes a good father. Will smiles at the camera.

Just pointing it out...

Shot of the pigs and end credits.

A Little Piece of Heaven (1991) is quite amazing. I try not to use the term "so-bad-it's-good" too often, and this is one of the few movies that I've covered that is so-bad-it's-good. Watching the movie is like having an internal battle over whether it is aware of how disturbing it is. Overall, I believe that it is not self-aware, but some parts of the movie are so blatant that I doubted myself. Also, Kirk Cameron is no Anthony Perkins.

Ten Best And Ten Worst Movies.

I dislike ranking movies, especially movies that span multiple genres. But I’m going to do it anyway. These are the best and worst movies or TV episodes I have covered thus far.

I am disqualifying movies I have seen in theaters and thus haven’t done a full commentary on. This eliminates:

• Me Before You
• Split
• Everything, Everything
• Annabelle: Creation
• All I See Is You
• Wonder
• The Shape of Water
• The Greatest Showman

Also, if I have covered multiple episodes of a TV show, I will count the entire TV show as a consideration.

Worst.

10.  The Legends Of Chamberlain Heights- Cane and Disabled

I absolutely love the concept of this episode.  I have never seen a disabled bully in the media before.  The quality of the show in general brought the episode down. Despite being in English, I had to pull up a transcript to follow the episode. I had to Google the majority of jokes in this episode, as they are mostly basketball references.

9. Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill!

I was really hoping my first cerebral palsy movie would be, if not good, somewhat dignified. Instead, I got an Easter Bunny slasher film. And not a very good one. The biggest problem with Easter Bunny Kill! Kill! is the character development. Why does an Easter Bunny slasher film need to spend the first half developing characters? I just wanted to watch an Easter Bunny kill people in defense of someone with CP. Is that too much to ask of a movie? After a boring first half, the movie shifts into a boring second half. None of the kills are interesting! All the weapons are just power tools.  Why does the Bunny bother exchanging tools between kills? The twist at the end was unexpected but not particularly meaningful. And that car sex scene was not physically possible

8. Cancel Christmas

It was surprisingly difficult to find a disability-related Christmas movie. And I had to find this one. This movie isn’t that bad, but it is incredibly bland. The only amusement comes from Hallmark pushing an anti-commercialization message. Hallmark goes out of its way to be as inoffensive* as possible. The bullies are barely bullies. None of Santa's rules make sense. Cancel Christmas should have taken its own advice.

*Except the middle-school bikini carwash scene. What was that?

7. Blind Woman’s Curse

For all the faults of the Crimson Bat movies, they are at least visually tolerable and somewhat 

coherent. Blind Woman’s Curse is neither. The colors all clash and make it difficult to look at. This movie wouldn’t be on this list if it weren’t so ugly. The story is pretty much nonsensical. Something about a blind woman, a curse, rival clans, a cat and they go into an odd underground dungeon at some point. The visual style just made this unbearable.

6. Whatever Happened To Robot Jones?

I hated that this cartoon used the title of a great movie but had nothing to do with it. The concept of this show appears to be a robot learning to interact with humans. In any competent show, this would be an allegory for marginalized groups. I hope that isn't the case for this show, because the message for the episode I watched was essentially "integration is difficult." The animation is poor and everything moves so quickly it is difficult to keep up with what's happening.

5. Schizcago

I wanted to disqualify this one for being a student film. But even a student film shouldn’t be physical painful to watch. I had to keep taking breaks because of headaches.

4. The Other Sister

I'm surprised that this is only number four. The Other Sister is quite amazing and it became more amazing when I learned it was released theatrically. I just assumed it was made -for-tv. Once you get past the shock of the surface-level incompetence, you discover that almost every aspect of the other sisters exudes incompetence. The story structure is a mess. The subplots and sub-subplots take up more screentime than the plot! The "subplot" of the mom having to accept her daughter's homosexuality is a...coherent parallel to the "main plot" of accepting Carla. So what does The Other Sister do? Mention the mother not accepting that her daughter is a lesbian a few times, have a half-hearted scene where she refuses to meet her girlfriend, and then end the entire two-hour movie on her meeting the girlfriend as if it were the main arc. I would almost recommend watching this just to witness the incompetence in this abomination if it weren't two hours long. I would recommend Ebert’s review, however.

3. Riding the Bus With My Sister

I debated with myself which order to put Riding the Bus With My Sister and The Other Sister. They are extremely similar. One could call them sister movies. The Other Sister is never unpleasant, just incredibly dull. Riding The Bus With My Sister, while perhaps more interesting than The Other Sister, is agonizing to watch. Beyond Rosie O’Donnell’s ... interpretation, Riding the Bus With My Sister is incredibly proud of its brilliance. Rachel keeps having flashbacks to her childhood that directly correspond to Beth’s situation. Despite being half an hour shorter than The Other Sister, it felt much longer due to its insufferable nature.

2. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

I don’t get angry at disability representation in media. In fact, there are only two films I’ve covered that actually made me angry. One was Death Carries A Cane because I couldn’t figure out the bag plot point without reading Italian. The other was What Every Happened To Baby Jane? Okay, if you take away the original and look at this remake on its own merits, What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?  is probably not that bad. But the original does exist. One positive thing about the remake is that it doesn’t miss what made the original movie great. It understands it and does everything it can to actively destroy it. Whether you can even successfully remake a film so…specific to the actresses is debatable. I could do an entire post about this, but I’ll just mention the problems. Sandman is a completely unmemorable song disconnected from Jane’s psyche. They cut out the entire car accident scene. The chairlift ruins any sense of Jane’s isolation, as well as the phone scene. The worms had absolutely no build-up. The dog was stupid. Blanche was passed out during the note scene, killing any suspense.

 1. The Undateables

No doubt. The Undateables is the worst thing I have seen for this blog. And that includes the Pin sex scene. The Undateables sounds like a satire of reality TV that Special Need would devise. The first couple episodes I watched were surreal. I couldn’t believe that this was aired and had six seasons (series)! After that, the show became incredibly tedious. Every episode is the same. Putting aside the exploitative nature, The Undateables is awful. The narrator repeats the same information over and over. It’s impossible to suspend disbelief that the dates are candid when the participants address the camera. And the title is a complete lie! None of the participants are undateable, because they all go on dates. The only (legal) way to salvage this series would be to change it from a dating show to a hook-up show and have some nudity and/or sex.

Best.

10. Gummi Bears- What You See Is Me

Yes, really. I have no idea how Haribo thought that this show would be a good advertisement for Gummi Bears but I am glad they did. Gummi Bears is more relevant today than ever in empowering kids to resist Nazis. And I’m not projecting the Nazi angle. Parts of this episode are a Gummi version of The Diary of Anne Frank. The protagonist literally hides under the floorboards to avoid the leaders of an authoritarian regime who want to boil him alive. I think this show is more of a "how can this exist?" kind of good than a "good" kind of good,

9. Return of the Evil Dead

What a huge step-up from the already entertaining Tombs of the Blind Dead. Return of the Evil Dead is the second entry in the classic Blind Dead Collection and a rare sequel that improves upon the original. With a huge cast of characters, a new, more interesting backstory, and a more complex story, Return of the Evil Dead is a stand-out among the Blind Dead Collection.

Also, there’s a topless women who gets her heart ripped out of her chest. That didn’t influence my decision to put this movie on my top ten. I just want to acknowledge that there is a topless woman who gets her heart ripped out of her chest.

8. The Man Who Couldn’t Laugh

Norway makes odd movies. That's all.

7. Blindman

I feel like the world is a better place now that I know this movie exists. Ringo Starr plays the villain to a blind gunslinger. The dialogue is absolutely hilarious. Blindman is an interesting movie because you are never quite sure how self-aware it is. Almost everything is played straight, but the scenarios get so ridiculous that one has to assume that it’s all a big joke.

6.  The Candy Snatchers

I felt awful about liking this movie so munch until I learned that Quinten Tarentino loves it. Candy Snatchers has a really clever screenplay, well-developed characters; 70's fake blood effects, and sleazy shots of a 20 year old actress playing a 16 year old schoolgirl. What more could you ask? This is my favorite exploitation movie.

5. Pelswick- Inherit the Wheeled

By far the best cartoon I’ve reviewed. The bar is pretty low, however. Pelswick is a witty cartoon feels like a precursor to Speechless. The first episode is like B-O-N-BONFIRE. My biggest problem with the cartoon is the guardian angel, who has no explanation within the first episode and isn’t funny.

4. Even Dwarfs Started Small

A classic story of revolution in a pretty bizarre movie. It alternates between light-hearted (throwing chickens into the office) to disturbing (crucified rodent) rapidly. There are long sections of nothing happening, but the atmosphere is interesting. All the actors are dwarfs, but that is never mentioned in the movie. Besides the title.

3. Acción Mutante

I like Acción Mutante because it has valuables commentary on how a society focused on health and beauty marginalizes people with disabilities and could lead to wider social problems but mostly because of the gore. Besides the gore, Acción Mutante has wonderful humor that plays with the princess-rescuing genre.The only negative thing I can think of about this movie is that lack of nudity and sex.

2. Special Needs

Special Needs is one of my least favorite blog entries. The movie itself is so funny that it was difficult to make it funnier. A Troma mockumentary about a hack TV producer making show about disabled people fighting to the death. As it is Troma, the movie doesn’t refrain from sinking to the lowest possible places for humor. Anyone who complains that there aren’t movies where disabled people plays disabled characters aren’t looking in the right places, like Troma Entertainment.

1. Pin

Pin is in a bizarre realm where it is simultaneously a Hitchcockian psychological thriller and cheap ‘80’s horror film. And it’s amazing. Pin works so well because it believably and slowly builds Leon’s psychosis. Starting at a young age, Leon’s parents unintentionally warp his sexual development. The incestuous undertones between him and Ursula create an uneasy atmosphere until they becomes…overtones. When the movie delves into cheap horror film territory, it feels earned and adds to the tension. Despite no gore and little violence, it is incredibly disturbing and I am so glad I watched it.

The ending does feel like a cheat, however…

The Greatest Showman

The Greatest Showman (2017) is the second movie of the year about a monster running a circus.

I heard people complain that this movie exploits P. T. Barnum, who exploited disabled people and people of color. So of course I had to see it.

Before the movie, Hugh Jackman and Michael Gracey thanked us because the movie is supposed to be seen on a big screen with a large audience. That's why they released it the same time as Star Wars.

To my surprise , the theater made a mistake and accidentally ran the exclusive, 3-hour, uncut, R rated version of The Greatest Showman, featuring songs not even on the official soundtrack.

The actual story is a mess, so I'll just talk about the songs.

All the songs start out subdued and build into a climactic 11th hour number with incredibly cinematography and no real context. I was kind of hoping that the songs would reflect the circus style, but that would be  Some of them start out with a sound in the environment providing the beat, a la The Music Man. And the songs feel incredibly long, despite averaging three to five minutes, and feel like a way to skip over tricky sections of Barnum's life.


"The Greatest Show"- The first number is P.T. Barnum as a grown man standing in the ring singing about how great his show is. This nicely sets the tone for the rest of the songs: trying to convince the audience that the movie is more dramatic than it actually is. The song starts with the freaks making "ooh" sounds, then Barnum starts what sounds like a patter sounds. Then it jumps to a climactic final, with the freaks doing an act. For the rest of the song. It sounds like it should be the finale of the movie. Spoiler: it is reprised for the finale.

"A Million Dreams"- This actually had a nice melody. It also is the CliffNotes from Barnum's early years. I thought it was just a throwaway song about Charity and Barnum's childhood friendship because the lyrics were so generic. But it keep going for four minutes and halfway through jumps from childhood to adulthood  until they are married. Throughout, we see some disabled people helping Barnum, which later inspires him to exploit them. I think this is one of the best songs, but the bar is extremely low.

"A Million Dreams (reprise)"- I didn't think that this was a reprise when I watched the movie because it comes right after the original and is one minute long. His daughter sings it on the rooftop after he loses his job.

"The Opening Act"- This is the most controversial song in the uncut version, and, like all songs, has a slow starts that builds to a climax. A dying Joyce Heath sings "You can prove you're not a hack/This was just your Opening Act" She dies and Barnum sings "She was just my Opening Act" Then the movie cuts to her autopsy and the incisions form the beat of the song. The lyrics aren't that good. I think it relies on the double meaning of "opening" too heavily. This is probably the reason the uncut version got an R rating. The gore was just as over-the-(big)top as everything else in the movie.

"Come Alive"- P.T. Barnum goes around recruiting freaks to abuse exploit offer employment at his museum. I though the title was "Dreaming With Your Eyes Wide Open", which would have been a better title. Sure, they aged up Charles Stratton and Lettie Lutz to early 20s, but how else could they sing? I feel that this song is a good way to skip over the more controversial stuff with the freaks.

"The Other Side"-  this starts out really promising. Barnum and Phillip Carlyle , a completely fictional character, are at a bar. Barnum convinces him to join the circus, with "The Other Side" referring to more low-brow performances that Carlyle's more prestigious plays. The beat starts with slamming drinks on the counter and the song starts like a natural conversation and is one of the only songs that feels specific to the plot.Then they get up and do acrobatics across the bar. There wasn't enough circus stuff in the movie, I guess. Probably my favorite song on the movie just for the first part. 

"A Minstrel Ballet"- The choice to have the minstrel show as a ballet was inspired because it reflects the silencing of black voices. Unfortunately, the song is yet another generic pop song instead of something reflective of the content.

"Never Enough"- Okay, this song annoyed me. Barnum goes to England and sees a performance by opera-singer Jenny Lind. So she gets up on the opera stage, and sings a generic pop song that honestly could have been exchanged for any other song in this movie. It's somewhat ironic that the song is complaining that something can never be enough when the movie isn't giving the audience anything of substance.

"I'm Just Me"- This is the big one. The one that is in all the marketing and summarizes the themes of the movie. She freaks think that they will are invited to a royal party in England, but get shut out. So the bearded lady starts to sing some message about being herself and they crash the party. It builds into a climactic moment in the circus ring and I just got confused as to which songs weren't diagetic. That's the problem with a circus musical. And I'm just wondering, is the first part non-diagetic and the second diagetic,

"Come Alive (reprise)"- a brutal song about the freaks being abused and realizing that they aren't getting the life Barnum promised. This is a stark contrast to the message of "I'm Just Me" The tone is just as upbeat as the other songs but the visuals of physical abuse makes it powerful.

"Rewrite The Stars"- The "Re-" syllable  is painful. Thank you, Zac Effron. This is an attempt at a B love story right when you want the movie to be over. Carlyle is in a forbidden interracial relationship with Anne Wheeler, a fictional trapeze artist played by Disney Channel favorite Zendaya Coleman. So  the B love story is between two fictional characters. Great. You can tell that this is supposed to be one of the "big" songs, but it is just as ridiculous as all the other songs. Anne Wheeler takes Carlyle up on the trapeze without any training or safety equipment,

"Tightrope"- the movie is fairly long and aimless. As it approached the end, I just wanted everything to wrap up quickly. Instead, Barnum's wife, who was not in the movie since the beginning, sings a long song about how her life is like "walking a tightrope." The movie already struggles to make us care about the main characters, so why should we care about his wife? Also using tightrope as a metaphor isn't clever. At all. This is one of the better songs because it is one of the most subdued songs, despite not being subdued at all.

"Never Enough (reprise)"- Jenny Lind breaks it off with Barnum after a completely fictionalized affair, I'm still upset that this isn't an opera song.

"From Now On"- After the circus burns down, Barnum goes to the bar. The freaks go in to comfort him and he has and epiphany. I have no idea what the epiphany is. Something about not doing it for the fame and money, despite doing everything to pay back the loan. Bizarre.

"Slaves No More"- A beautifully ironic song in which Barnum sings about his opposition to slavery to the freaks, whom he treats as slaves. I am upset that this song is only in the uncut version, as it really ties the entire movie together.

"The Greatest Show (reprise)"- We go back to the opening to emphasize that Barnum learned nothing throughout this entire movie.

The uncut R-rated version of The Greatest Showman (2017) is worth seeing. For some reason, however, I can't find anything about it. Maybe I just had an amazing fluke and none of the other five people in the theater told anybody online.

I imagine that the theatrically released version is just a vapid glamorization of abuse and exploitation.

A perfect representation of the circus!

I'm relieved that nobody put this music to the Pennywise dancing scene. Yet.

The Shape Of Water

The Shape Of Water (2017) is one of this year's worst movies due to its blatant exploitation and misrepresentation of the experiences of mute women tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs. Neither Sally Hawkins nor Guillermo del Toro are mute and therefore cannot accurately portray this systemic issue.

The movie starts with Elisa, the mute woman, arriving at work. She is a custodian at a top-secret government lab. Elisa has scars on her throat from an injury that rendered her mute as an infant. Some officials bring in the sea monster in a tank, warning that it is "their most valuable asset." It is so valuable that everyone leaves it alone and Elisa walks right up to it and starts tapping on the glass. If only one of the millions of mute women who have taken care of otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs had directed or acted this scene, it would have been more accurate.

Richard Strickland, a hilariously over-the-top villain, gets his fingers bitten off by the creature. This made me hopeful that the movie would depict a more realistic otherworldly fish monster and mute woman relationship. However, Elisa goes into the lab to clean up and starts feeding the monster hard-boiled eggs.

Keep in mind that nobody knows anything about this creature. All Elisa knows is that this creature is extremely rare and is being studied in a top-secret lab. So she feeds it hard-boiled eggs.

Strickland's superior wants to dissect the creature to study its breathing apparatus in order to further the space race. Dmitri tries to tell them not to dissect it, because he is actually a Soviet spy. The Shape Of Water (2017) trots out the tired story of exploiting fish monsters during the Cold War instead of presenting another narrative. Strickland tortures the creature with electric shocks because he is the villain.

This monster is so important to the space race that they let the custodians have access to it at any time and only install camera after catching someone interfering. Congratulations Elisa, you could have just set the space race back with hard-boiled eggs.

The use of the government officials as villains is problematic because, if you read the accounts of all the mute women tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs, the fish monsters are usually more dangerous than the government officials.

I demand that every movie about an individual facing a systemic problem represents everyone who faces that systemic problem, even if those experiences are diverse, because I don't trust audiences enough to separate a single, fictional story from real life.

Elisa, her coworker, her husband, and Dmitri smuggle the otherworldly fish monster out and into Elisa's bathtub.  The monster gets out of the bathtub while the husband sleeps and the movie becomes E.T. (1982) He tries to make sense of the television programs, the kitchen appliances, and then he eats the cat. This is a good effort to show how harmful these otherworldly fish monster tend to be, however it is not enough.

The monster runs away. Elisa finds it in a movie theater, watching The Story Of Ruth (1960). I feel like this is a missed opportunity. The monster could have been watching a movie that tied into the meta theme of representation of sea creatures in media like this:

Then the otherworldly fish monster touches her husband and glows. The next day, his hair grows back. Yep, this otherworldly fish monster has healing powers. What a blow to the experiences of mute women who take care of otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs and find violent ends! I can not believe that they released this movie in 2017 without listening to the voices of women who have experienced this systemic problem. 

Then...

Then...um...

This is my only serious criticism in my review. I really did love this movie, but this part irritated me. The first part of the movie makes a half-hearted attempt deal about ethical concerns regarding the otherworldly fish monster. Elisa seems to be on the side of treating the monster humanely, which is good. Then when she gets home, she, uh, has...sexual intercourse with the otherworldly fish monster in the shower. And she has no idea how sentient this thing is and whether it can consent. Feeding it hard-boiled eggs without knowing it's diet was already a red flag. I'm not an ethicist, but I'm pretty sure there's a huge normative difference between hard-boiled eggs and sexual intercourse. My problem isn't that this is unethical; my problem is that Elisa is so adamant about treating the monster humanely and then doesn't care about the sexual intercourse. My other problem is that I had to think about the normative ethical difference between hard-boiled eggs and sexual intercourse for the first time in my life.

Most mute women in similar situation have been severely injured due to the violent nature of the otherworldly fish monster, and depicting a positive relationship is erasure.

With the monster getting weaker and the government investigation narrowing in on Elisa, they decide to set the monster free into a canal. However, they have to wait for a rainfall so the water will be high enough for the monster to swim over the wall.

Strickland interrogates and tortures people until he finds Elisa and her husband bringing the otherworldly fish monster to the canal and shoots Elisa. This is problematic because it portrays the government officials as the villains and ignores the violence of otherworldly fish monsters on mute women.

The otherworldly fish monster kills Strickland and heals Elisa. Then he drags Elisa to the water and turns her scars into gills so she can live in the water. And I'm just wondering, if the scars weren't in the same place as gills would be, would this not work? Not claiming it's a plot hole, just something to think about.

The title refers to Elisa's presence filling every space like "the shape of  water."

People should boycott this movie until Hollywood gives us better representation of mute women who are tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs.

Seriously, this is a really good movie. I'd feel bad if I didn't give my actual thoughts.