The Candy Snatchers

CW: Brutal Sexual Assault Of An Underage Girl.

I shouldn't be doing this movie. It's by far the most...unsavory movie I've covered. (Unsavory is a good euphemism) Tiffany Bolling, one of the stars, said she regrets making this movie. What a coincidence. I regret watching this movie.

But it's an infamous exploitation film about autism. How could I resist?

Seriously, this entire movie is about the threat of and eventual sexual assault of a teenager. I advise you not to read if sexual assault is a trigger for you.

Good?

The Candy Snatchers is 1973 exploitation film about an autistic boy who witnesses the kidnapping of a 16 year old girl.

I'm in the mood for a schlocky movie. And I wish I had done this for Halloween instead. Because Candy.

It starts with an overweight woman of color walking around town.

Just kidding, it's a thin, blonde, white girl.

 Her name is Candy. The song tells us:

Oh what a shame

That the Candy Girl

Stayed and played the game

But the need and greed for money

Makes a guy act kind of funny.

Great, now we don't have to watch the movie

Also, there are three people, two men and one woman, watching her.

Just got it. They are going to Snatch Candy,

Candy hitches a ride with a guy. One of the Candy Snatchers asks whether he will take her all the way home.

Male Candy Snatcher: No chance. She's not that kind of girl.

She hitches another ride with the villains, who kidnap her.

If that's too subtle, the song repeats the lyric.

The men stuff her face in some rags and blindfold/gag her .

Male Candy Snatcher: Calm down, babe, you're just being kidnapped.

In the first four minutes, the movie made a good joke about an underage girl being kidnapped in a van. This is probably going on my "guilty pleasures" list

Get it? They are Snatching Candy.

The kidnappers drive to a secluded location with a "No Trespassing" sign and move Candy into a Candy-Shaped hole. Then they cover it with boards and fill the hole with dirt. A pole sticks up to indicate where she is buried.

Six minutes into this movie and it is living up to the the exploitation genre.

The woman licks an envelope with the ransom letter shut. Strangely seductively.

I understand that this movie has to objectify women, but does it have to make licking an envelope shut "erotic"?

If the kidnappers want her alive for the ransom, they aren't doing a very good job of keeping her alive.

On of the male kidnappers tells Jesse, the female kidnapper, that he could never have thought of that. So this movie is acknowledging that women are intelligent. I'm getting conflicting messages.

Wait, Jesse says that she couldn't have thought of it either, she saw it on television. Funny, I saw it in a movie.

The criminals drive away. The autistic boy comes out from the bushes accompanied with way too whimsical music for the tone of this movie.

He pulls at the pole. Then he takes some candy out of his pocket and eats it.

Get it? Candy...Snatchers?

Then he plays a game. he puts his hand over the pole, which is a hollow pipe.

It's implied that the pipe is giving Candy the ability to breath. I don't know if that works in real life.

A woman rings a cowbell. She is the autistic boy's mother.  Sean, the boy, comes running.

The movie subtly implies that Sean's mother is abusive. She yells at him, slaps him, leaves him alone in the bath, slaps him again, and tells him not to be "special" while their father's boss goes to dinner with them.

All in under one minute! Candy Snatchers sure knows how to develop characters economically.

The kidnappers decide to go to a  party where Candy's father is and confront him. The letter didn't work?

Sean and his parents drive to the boss' house. .

Jesse calls Candy's father, Avery, and tells him that if he ever wants to see Candy again, he has to give her all the diamonds in his store. Doesn't she feel bad about the exploitation in the diamond mining industry? The male kidnappers put the letter in the door. Okay.

Avery has a huge picture of Candy in his desk drawer and a gun is underneath it. Of course. A male kidnapper watches, and then all three snatchers drive away.

On the way to the boss's house, Audrey (Sean's mom) and Sean's dad argue about chewing with one's mouth open. Then Sean's dad yells at Sean. Everyone in this movie is fairly awful.

Avery goes home and asks his wife, Cathrine, whether she has seen  Candy. Cathrine replies that Candy is at a friend's house

The three criminal pose as bird watcher while they wait for the ransom. This movie is increasing the stigma against bird-watching. But Avery is still at home.

The boss tries to talk to Sean and asks him really... pointed questions

"I bet there's something you are just dying to talk about."

"You went out today and you saw something?"

"Now just exactly what did you see?"

The parents try to tell the parents that Sean doesn't talk. For some reason, the boss finds this hilarious and laughs for 18 seconds.

18 seconds may not seem like a long time until you have to listen to someone laugh about a kid not talking for 18 seconds.

I didn't know that kids not being able to talk was humorous. This movie is really challenging me to expand the scope my sense of humor.

Avery goes to...have an affair? Not the time.

The motif of "women using their mouths seductively" really adds to the deep themes of "The Candy Snatchers."

Actually, Avery just brought some diamonds over for her to look at.

Actually, it's to have an affair.

He's not being af-fair to his daughter.

One of the Candy Snatchers loses patience and throws his bird map away.

On the trip back from the boss, Sean's father laments that they never sent him to a psychiatrist. Then Sean mother yells at him to go to bed because she doesn't want to ever see him again. The boss was the only marginally likeable character in the movie.

Sean spots the Snatcher's flashlights in the distance. Then his mom comes in, yells that he ruined everything, drags him off-screen and starts hitting him.  This movie is quite...interesting.

A male Snatcher named Eddy gives the blindfolded Candy some water. Then he takes her to the bathroom and assures her that they won't kill her. Well, that's reassuring.

The Snatchers wonder why they didn't get the diamond. Jesse theorizes that the reason is that Avery didn't think they would actually kill Candy. So they need to prove it to him.

The logical solution is to cut off her ear and ship it to Avery in a box.

I should have done this for Halloween!

Jessie starts laughing and the movie cuts from her laughing mouth to Candy's screaming mouth. That's the closest this movie comes to an artistic transition.

They record Candy screaming as Jessie caressess her ear with a knife. Now they have her screams, but not her ear.

The light-haired male Snatcher stops Jesse from cutting off Candy's ear so he can do it himself.

Now, the best movies are the ones that bring up issues you have never thought about before. I, personally, have never considered the proper way to slice off someone's ear.

They decide against the ear cutting. I'm disappointed in the lack of gore thus far.

Luckily, Jesse has connections with a mortician called Charlie who sells body parts. Of course she does.

POC representation in the medical field! In 1973!

Jesse and Charlie haggle the price of an ear to $50.

$50 in 1973 is about $273.03 in 2017. I don't know much about the ear market, except that it is the opposite of the ull market.

Charlie is the creepiest character in the movie and there should be an entire movie about his backstory:

"These are the best people in the world. They don't hurt nobody. They don't make no trouble. They don't tell me what to do. They don't cause no pain. They mind their own business. Yes sir, all they do is lie there, and just think about all the people it's too late to fuck."

Clearly, he has not seen Tombs of the Blind Dead,

The first corpse is male, so they ask for a female. I did not know that ears were gendered. Charlie goes down a line of corpses in Goldilocks-esque scene. One is too male. One is too old. The last corpse is a typical exploitation film blonde woman.

He starts to cut off the ear and the scene is pretty funny. Charlie's hand covers the operation the entire time. The funny part is Jessie's reactions.

Eddy talks to Candy. He tells her that they want her father to steal some diamonds from the safe for them. Candy asks why money is so important. Eddttells Candy a rambling story about how he went to the army, and then worked in a furniture store, and then bought some coveralls. Somehow this connects to Candy. She says that Eddy could be redeemed.

Candy asks whether Jessie is a girl, because she is surprised that the others take orders from her. She lives in an exploitation movie, remember?

Candy tells Eddy that he is in love with Jessie. Eddy assure Candy that the won't kill her. Then this happens.

Now, I've heard of Stockholm Syndrome but...

Jesse and Alan walk in and Alan wittingly refers to them as Beauty and the Beast (2017).

Alan tries to drop the ear off on the bench, but Jessis forces him to bring it to his room so Eddy won't sabotage it.

Now, everyone in this movie is awful. But they are at least trying to make Eddy likeable. To correct this, Eddy confronts Jessie,  rips off her top, knocks her into a bathtub.

Jessie starts crying and says she wants to get on a plane to New York so she'll feel safe in a scene that is way too emotional for The Candy Snatchers.

Eddy reminds Jessie that she promised that they would escape together. Jessie laughs. And then they have sex. Okay.

The next day, Jessie and Alan bring Candy back out and toss her in the hole. Eddy tries to stop them, but Alan reminds him that they are going to kill Candy anyway. Oops. Don't make promises.

Instead of putting her in the hole, Alan ties her up inside and starts to cut off her blindfold. Eddy grabs him and forces him away from Candy.

Hey, there's an autistic kid in this movie, remember?

Sean watches the truck pass.

Eddy, Jessie and Alan decide to bring the ear to Avery. Catherine is sick and doesn't know that Candy is gone. Avery lies to her and says Candy "stopped by."

The Snatchers sneak up on a telephone man installing a line and attempt to beat him up. The telephone man beats up Eddy and Alan, but Jessie manages to knock him out with a board.

Female empowerment?

This reference joke is way too complicated for an exploitation movie.

Sean eats his Wheaties. His mom tells him that he has to pick up all his toys after breakfast.

Sean is in the movie. It is vital that you remember that Sean is in the movie.

Eddy drives the lineman's truck to Avery's place. He tells Avery's mistress that he is there to fix the telephone lines. When Avery comes to the gate, Eddy tells him that it is about Candy. Avery lets him in.

In the other truck, Jessie  and Alan realize that they will probably have to kill Candy now that she knows their names.

Eddy plays the tape of Candy's screams and shows "her" ear to Avery. Then the door opens and a cop is there. Oops.

The cop asks Eddy to move his truck. Avery hands back the box and tape recorder.

Okay, so the actions of Avery are confusing so far. But now there is a pretty amazing twist that explains why.

Avery is not Candy's father. He is her Step-father. Avery married candy's mother because her late father left Candy $2 million. If Candy reaches 21, she gets that money. If not, a million goes to her mother and a million to Avery. Avery has been waiting for a way for Candy to die for a long time.

He has earned the villainous hand gesture.

This was foreshadowed with Avery's apathy towards the situation and his affair with the diamond lady. Great job, Candy Snatchers.


Now Eddy is conflicted. He drives the lineman's truck back to the other Snatchers' truck. Jessie informs Eddy that Alan went back on motorcycle to kill Candy. Eddie drives back top the hideout.

Conveniently, this the same time that Sean stumbles into the hideout. He finds Candy on the floor and takes off her blindfold.

They didn't lock the doors? Seriously?

Candy assumes that Sean isn't her kidnapper and asks for help. Sean can't untie her. Candy just asks him to call the police or they will kill her.

Candy: Do you know what killing is?

Sean:

Sean hides in the rafters without putting the blindfold back on. Avery comes in with a knife. This is a really intense movie.

The next scene is the brutal sexual assault. Sean watches. Moving right along...

Eddy runs in and attacks Alan. Jessie calls Alan a pig. Eddy stitches up Candy. Candy accuses Eddy of lying to her.

Jessie and Alan drink. Sean pokes around in the attic. Jessie laments that, if they kill Candy, her step-father will get a million dollars.

Sean knocks down a ladder to distract the Snatcher. Then he removes a slat in the attic, jumps down, and runs away with far, far too whimisical music following a brutal sexual assault scene.

The Snatchers try to run after him, but Sean gets away. They blame  the noise on a nearby cat.

Comic Relief?

Sean runs into his room and pulls out his toys from his drawer until he finds....

I would say "add laugh track", but the movie adds a comedic sound effect.

Eddy laments that Alan removed Candy's blindfold. Alan asserts dominance and declares that they will simply kidnap Avery and hold him at gunpoint.

Eddy tries to suggest putting Candy back in the hole, but  Alan wants to just kill her.

It's extremely jarring for this movie to cut between the brutal Candy scenes and the actually funny Sean scenes. Sean calls a delicatessen and pulls a string on the back of the doll so it will say

"Police, open up"

This scene is funny, and brings up a valid point. How many nonverbal kids are unable to call for help because their parents don't buy them a separate doll for each emergency situation?

The owner of the deli says he will call the police.

Back at the hideout, Eddy assures Candy that it will all be over tonight, but she has to go back into the hole. Candy is understandably not thrilled about this but Eddy says it is her only chance.

Candy goes back into the hole I'm assuming that the plan is that Eddy will tip the police off.

Meanwhile, Avery tells his mistress  that his "lifetime investment" is about to pay off and they can go to Rio. Remember, he is the bad guy.

Alan accuses Eddy of not actually killing Candy. Eddy gives him a shovel, claiming he can dig her if she

Instead, Alan picks up the breathing pipe for the ground. They didn't show Eddy put the breathing pipe in.

So...is  Candy dead? With fifteen minutes left? Is the breathing pipe ever explained?

The next scene has some political commentary that is surprisingly relevant in 2017 for a 1973 movie. The Snatachers try to buy a gun, The shopowner asks for a driver's license. What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

The shopowner can't sell them the pistol for that night, as there is a so he offers to sell them a rifle with "no questions asked"

What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

Sean tries to sneak back home, but Audrey interrupts and confiscates a pair of scissors.

The Snatchers go into Avery's house. Katherine is there, no longer sick. She doesn't know  that Candy is gone.

Audrey opens a medicine cabinet and takes out a bottle of sleeping pills. She assures Sean that she will only give him one pill to put him to sleep, not to kill him. Oh, that makes it okay.

Alan gets Katherine drunk and begins making out with her.

Eddy:"That is sick. That is really sick. She is old enough to be your mother."

Getting her drunk was okay, but her age crosses the line. Also, this is going too far after the brutal sexual assault of Candy.

Now that she is drunk, the Snatchers make her call Avery and ask when he is coming home. He replies that he was going to be late.

Avery is busy sleeping with the diamond store employee. This probably breaks some code of ethics.

Avery tells the employee that he is never going home again. Then it cuts to him opening the door to his house. Um, irony?

Eddy and Jessie confront Avery with the gun. If the good guys just  carried guns, this sort of thing wouldn't happen!

List of "good guys" in this film:

Candy (deceased)

Sean

Katherine

They inform him that someone is sleeping with Katherine upstairs. But not really. Becasue Alan stabs Katherine in the heart and takes her diamond necklace.

Eddy and Jesse force Avery to take them to the safe and assures him that he is "safe". Meanwhile, Alan sneaks into the office and finds Avery's gun in a drawer.

Avery opens the safe and begins filling up the Snatcher's bag. Avery offers a deal and brings the snatchers' to his office. He asks whether Candy is alive. He tries to get the gun out of the drawer, but, of course, Alan has it. Alan slams the drawer on Avery's hand and shoots him with the gun.

Alan tries to shoot Eddy, but Jessie shoots him first. Eddy and Jessie run outside. Avery follows, clutching and shoots Jessie.

This may sound intense, but the blood effects are so bad. They look like red Candy.

Eddy jumps into his truck. Avery forces a guy out of his car with a gun and hijacks it. Chase scene towards the hideout. Both get out and have a shootout.

All of this, from Alan shooting Avery to the beginning of the shootout at the hideout, takes place in the span of three minutes. And there are four minutes left in the movie.

Eddy kills Avery with the rifle. He hears Candy breathing.

Candy is still alive?

Eddy tries to dig up Candy but...

Pop quiz time:

What is the silliest possible ending to this movie?

If you guessed "Sean appears out of nowhere, takes Avery's pistol. kills Eddy with it, and then goes back to his mother and shoots her as well," you would be thinking the same as the writer.

The funny thing is that you don't see Sean kill his mother. His mother just yells at him, the camera stays on Candy's grave, and gunshot. Heavy breathing from Candy's grave.

The song "Money is the root of all happiness" plays over the credits.

Get it? Because the plot is about getting money. And everyone dies. And everyone is awful, so it's a happy ending.

The Candy Snatchers is a sick movie. It does everything to shock the audience and the ending feels...

Movies should do their best to empower autistic children. I'm not denying the capability of autistic children, But I don't think that any child, autistic or not, could do what Sean does in this movie. Even if their parents buy a specific talking police doll.

 I can't imagine what kind of individual finds enjoyment out of these types of movies.

I thoroughly enjoyed The Candy Snatchers!

All I See Is You

I had never heard of All I See Is You (2017) until the day I saw it. All I knew going in is that it was thriller about a blind woman who regains her sight to the dismay of her husband. And it takes place in Bangkok.

I think I accidentally walked into the other movie called All I See Is You (2017) because whatever I saw was not a thriller.

Blake's last name is the only
Lively thing in this movie.

All I See Is You is beautifully shot.

 Well, that’s about all the positives I have for this movie.

All I See Is You is very confusing movie. I spent the entire movie waiting for it to pick a genre or plotline and it never did. I took notes during the film (which is difficult in a dark theater). When I got home, I typed them out and I still have no idea what movie was about.

It starts with a kaleidoscope sex scene.

This synopsis began oddly.

My notes say "Worst opening sex scene since The Room." I can't make that comparison, though. All You See Is Me is competently made. I just dislike the directorial choices. 

Gina, the blind woman, and James, her husband are having sex. This is an artistic movie. The kaleidoscope images are supposed to be from Gina's point of view.  The images becomes much clearer through the movie as she starts to regain her sight. The sex scene in inter-cut with flashbacks of the car accident in which she lost her sight.

My notes are all out of order but it doesn't matter because the movies isn't very cohesive.

There’s a scene where she gets her period in the shower because so many bad movies want to remind me that I could be watching Carrie instead.

The doctor says that the operation can only restore her right eye, but there is a waiting list. However, he calls her the day before to tell her that there is a cancellation and they can operate on her. Thai healthcare must be very different from American healthcare.

After the operation, the doctor gives her eye-drops, emphasizing that she must take them regularly.  She is disappointed with how James looks and how their apartment looks.

The doctor also says it is okay for Gina and James to take a trip to Spain to visit family. Even though he told Gina to take eye-drops regularly and come in in case something goes wrong. Okay.

On the train, there is a bizarre scene straight out of 50 Shades of Grey where James is tied down and blindfolded and Gina has sex with him. It’s supposed to be a reversal of previous sex scenes where Gina couldn’t see, but James could. What kind of train allows this?

When they get to Spain, James doesn’t want Gina going out to clubs. The plot of this movie is “Guy doesn’t like his wife regaining her sight in case she starts flirting with hotter guys.” That could be a comedy, but this movie is genre-less.

Gina also goes to a peep show in Spain. Priorities.

Back in Bangkok, Gina flirts with a hot guy named Mike from the pool. Neither of the main characters is likable. Gina also dyes her hair blonde. This is the last straw for James, so he dumps out the eye-drops and replaces them with water. This could be a thriller, but this movie is genre-less.

Just take a moment to reflect that the catalyst for James to sabotage Gina's eyesight is that she dyed her hair blonde.

Gina loses her eyesight once again, so she brings the eye-drops into the doctor for testing and gets some samples. James discovers he is sterile. Gina announces she is pregnant. Uh-oh.

James drives away. Gina has the baby. She goes completely blind. Movie over.

I haven’t described all the random scenes in the movie. Such as:

1.  Gina teaches a young girl how to play the guitar for a talent show. However, she takes over the talent show and sings a song about James. Actual Lyric: “You can see the love in my heart, if you look into my eyes.” He runs out. So this is now Hamlet?

2.  Her sister’s husband dresses up like a mermaid. And this movie is almost two hours long.

3. They get a dog. Someone breaks into their apartment and takes the dog. He sends them a letter saying, essentially,  “Sorry, I have to keep the dog because I like it.”

4.  A bird hits the window. Gina takes it in and puts it in the freezer. Never mentioned again.

And probably more that I didn’t write down.

I haven’t described all the “artistic” scenes in this movie. Such as:

1. Sometimes there are shots of Gina swimming to represent her mood. If something good has happened, she swims quickly towards the surface. If something bad has happened, she sinks towards the bottom.  Really.

2. Gina and her young nephew and in a bath together. (Just don't question it.) She throws a sponge at the glass door and it falls down, leaving watery tracks. Cut to rain dripping down the windshield of a car.

3. Shot of a fishbowl. Cut to a shot of James eating a bowl of soup. Because both are bowls.

All I See Is You is a baffling movie. It contains so much and yet nothing really happens. I can’t even give a coherent synopsis. The dialogue is pretty bad, but the cinematography is beautiful.

 If you are going to have a blind women regain her sight, this is probably the best-looking movie for her to be in.

I watched the trailer after I saw the movie and it is quite amusing how hard it pushed the "thriller" genre.

There are a couple moments where All I See Is You tips into hilarity. Some of the dialogue, transitions, and irrelevant scenes are so bizarre that they are funny, But it's not worth sitting through the rest of the movie.

If you want to see a good story about a blind woman regaining sight through surgery, watch the Night Gallery episode Eyes. It's directed by Spielberg, stars Joan Crawford, builds towards a great twist ending, and doesn't start with a kaleidoscope sex scene,

Pin: A Plastic Nightmare

CW: Sexual Trauma, Incest, Sexual Assault, Abortion

(This will be a fun one.)

Pin (1988) horror movie about inaccessibility, if one were to go by the poster.

It is actually about a boy who believes an anatomy doll is his imaginary friend. That sounds like a great premise. The poster is also great.

The official title is Pin: A Plastic Nightmare.

This is actually a really good movie. I know the claim "It's not a horror movie, it's a psychological thriller," is usually a way for people to justify watching a horror movie. Trust me, I don't feel guilty about watching dumb horror movie. Pin is an odd combination of a generic '80s horror movie and tense psychological thriller. If you are interested at all, watch it before reading this review, as it has some twists and my post will ruin them.

The ellipses are so tense, you could hear a Pin drop.

Four boys stare up at an old house with a man staring out the window. They wonder whether he is paralyzed, dead, or a dummy.

One boy decides that the best way to determine this is to climb up the side of house. He pulls back the window curtain and the man says "Get out"

So clearly, it is a real person.

Also, the boy calmly climbs down after this.

Fifteen years earlier, it was night time and there was a car parked in front of the house. That's about it.

Two impossibly perfect children eat lunch. Their impossibly perfect mother cleans up. They ask their father if they can go to bed.

He asks his daughter, Ursula, to count to ten for him. She does.

He asks his son, Leon, to count backwards from 100 by sevens.

Damn it, this is how the gender wage gap gets started.

He messes up 72 to 66. The father says that they will work on it.

The father is a doctor. A quirky doctor, who does a ventriliquism with a anatomy doll during check-ups. The doctor asks the doll whether he thinks the patient has a temperature.

Also, his kids watch. The father will probably regret this later on when he has to pay for the therapists.

The anatomy doll is named Pin (1998)

The doctors and Pin "argue" about whether Pin should get a coat. After a few rounds of the puppetry routine, the patient seems relieved to go get a blood test.

Given the Pin situation, I would be relieved as well.

The doctor and patient leave. Ursula and the son talk to Pin about the clothes..

Right then, the father comes back and stops in the doorway. He uses ventriloquism to make Pin tell his kids that the clothes idea is dumb.

Seriously, this is the sort of repressed memory that a psychologist will dig out of the kids years later...

His name is Frank

The kids leave, but Leon lags behind just long enough to hear Frank argue with Pin about the diagnosis.

At least patients don't have to pay extra for a second opinion.

In an odd transition, a shot of Leon's face fades to white and then cuts back to this house with ethereal as if it were a memory.

The mother yells at Leon because his friend tracked in dirt from outside. Then she slaps him.

Leon goes outside. Generic bullies yell at him and hit him with a ball.

Leon goes to talk to Frank, but he drives away.

I think the twist at the end of the movie will be that everyone else had a bet on who could make Leon snap into either Carrie (1976) or Pin (1988)

Leon goes to his father's office to talk to the anatomy doll. Definitely give your traumatized child the ability to access your office where the source of his trauma and a lot of confidential information reside.  He tells Pin that he has no other friends to talk to besides Ursula, but she's  a girl.

So the social order is

1.Male Humans
2. Male Dolls
3. Female Humans
4. Female Dolls

This is called the Pediorchy

Leon hides as a nurse comes in. He watches as, well...

When I started this blog, I assumed I was going to be watching some odd and disturbing scenes.

I would never have guess I was going to see a woman have sex with a anatomy doll.

Okay, she doesn't actually take her clothes off, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing.

I'm all for using anatomy dolls for sex education, but this is taking it a little too far.

AND HE SNAPS.

At Ursula's birthday party, she gets one present from her parents and one from Pin. Leon and Pin look around 13. It would be nice if the movie indicated the time more.

Leon excitedly asks to see what Pin got her. So much for the trauma of seeing a woman have sex with Pin.

Pin got Ursula a music box with a ballerina. That night, Leon stares at the music box while Ursula looks at  pre-internet pornographic magazine and questions when she will grow breasts.

This movie is more disturbing than the one last week with all the slit throats and strangling.

Nice job breaking gender stereotypes. The girl is looking at pictures of naked women and the boy is staring at a ballerina music box.

Ursula casually mentions that Pin is an office dummy. Leon attacks her and their mother comes in. She confiscates the magazine.

I joked about using Pin for sex education. but now Frank is actually using Pin for sex eduction.

Ursula looks behind her at her Frank. He knows that Ursula knows Pin isn't real, but they play along for Leon.

Pin tells Leon to take the towel off of his lap so that they can see his "male sexual apparatus."

Firstly, that's cisnormative.

Secondly, are you trying to sabotage your son's sexuality?

Leon and Ursula talk about how they are looking forwards to having sex. The first twenty minutes of this movie are more disturbing than every other movie I have reviewed. Combined.

Okay, maybe not.


Fade to white again. It's high-school.

So fading to white indicates a time skip.

This is definitely an accurate representation of a 1988 horror movie high school.

Leon walks around with this expression on his face

I can't imagine what kind of traumatic experiences made him that way.

Bullies graffiti his locker.

That's not nice. What did the owner of the other locker do?

Leon goes to the dance (that is going on in the school) and asks a girl named Marsha if she's seen Ursula.

Marsha says she say Ursula dancing with someone named Eddie and asks Leon wants to dance.

Leon declines because Marsha isn't  an anatomy doll.

Leon runs outside and sees a car rocking from side to side. Ursula and Eddie are having sex inside.

This gives Leon justification to drag Eddie out and beat him up for not being an anatomy doll.

Leon angrily asks whether Ursula has engaged in intercourse with the entire football team.

Definitely a 80's horror movie high school.

He tells her that if she ever has sex with another guy, he will stop being her brother.

...that sounds like a win-win situation for her.

In their backyard, Ursula walks past their parents and sits down next to Leon reading a book. This is the actual dialogue in this scene:

Ursula: Hi

Leon: Hey. This calculus is killing me.

Ursula: I think i'm pregnant.

If she had seen the Pin sex scene, she wouldn't have had this problem.

Leon says that Ursula can't go to the doctor without them notifying their father because Ursula is 15.

Pictured: An actual 15 year-old girl.

15 in 80's horror movie years is about 26, by the way.

Leon tells Ursula to just go ask Pin. Ursula almost tells Leon that Pin isn't real, but stops herself. She just tells him that Pin won't talk without their father there.

This brings up a question. Does Frank still do the ventriloquism routine while Leon is in high-school? If not, has Pin not talked since they were kids?

Actually, Pin does talk! Kind of. Leon uses ventriloquism to make Pin say that they should tell their father.

Ursula understandably freaks out and runs outside.

I guess they told their father, because now Ursula and Leon sit in the office. Frank says he will examine Ursula and chastises Leon for not wanting to "stay and observe."

Clearly, Leon's sexuality isn't confused enough for his father.

At a half-hour in, this movie is great. It's really creepy and subdued. Still waiting for the promised wheelchair on the poster.


Frank forces Leon to fill out some college applications before leaving for a speech with their mother. Halfway there, he realizes he left medical histories in his office and goes back to find Leon talking to Pin.

"Gee son, I thought traumatizing you and teaching you lesson through an anatomy wouldn't have an negative ramifications. Guess I was wrong."

Frank tells Leon to go home and confiscates Pin. He tells their mother that he need him for a "visual aid" and will leave Pin at the university

Most emotional movie moment
 involving an anatomy doll.

Frank drives while the mother nervously glances behind her at Pin. Pin is covered in a sheet.

A sudden curve in the road causes the sheet to fall off. Franks keeps glancing at Pin's  reflection.

Then he crashes, the car flips over, and the parents die.

They were Pinned against their seats.

The police bring Ursula and Leon to the crash site. Leon is relived that the anatomy doll is safe, as he was waiting on Pins and needles.

Leon and Ursula go back to their house, Their aunt promises to move in with them by next week.

They rip the plastic off the furniture, and order pizza for dinner. everything worked out fine for them in the end!

The cans intrigued me so much that I looked up Diet Pepsi cans from 1988.

 I wonder whether Pepsi paid them or if they just used the cans and Pepsi didn't care about this obscure horror movie about an anatomy doll. One would think that, if it was product placement, they would make the labels more prominent.

Speaking of the anatomy doll, Ursula wakes up the the sound of a music box. She sneaks into her brothers room and sees Pin sitting in a chair. Dressed in a suit.

She is surprised, but shouldn't. There's over an hour of movie left!

Ursula says that Aunt Dorothy won't like Pin being their. Leon tells Ursula that Pin is family, be he will store Pin in the attic. Also, Aunt Dorothy probably won't be there for long.

Ursula decides the best way to approach this situation is to go to the library and read some books on schizophrenia.

Remember, this is before WedMD.

Boy, I started this movie because their was someone in a wheelchair on the cover. There's no wheelchair so far, but there is a disability anyway.

Ursula sees a Help Wanted sign in the library

Next week, Aunt Dorothy comes in an immediately tells Leon to put the covers back on the furniture. God damn it, Leon.

At dinner, Leon says that he stored the plastic covers in the attic but the door is locked. Aunt Dorothy says she will call the locksmith.

Ursula says that she got the job at the library. Leon asks why she applied when she doesn't need the money. Aunt Dorothy replies that it is good for mental health. Not too subtle. Leon leaves.

Leon goes to the attic. Pin says...

From now on, I will use "Pin says" as shorthand for "Leon makes Pin say."

Pin says that Aunt Dorothy is changing Ursula and advises Leon to get rid of her.

That night, a voice whispers "Dorothy" creepily. Aunt Dorothy wakes up, rolls over, and sees Pin next to her. Pin sits up.

Dorothy screams and tries to leave, but the door is locked. She has a heart attack.

Leon stands up from behind the bed.

So...

Leon snuck into Aunt Dorothy's room while she was asleep, put pin next to her, and lay down without her waking up?

I can buy that.

With Aunt Dorothy gone, Leon bring Pin back down. Ursula watches.

The next...

Sometime in the future, (This movie has a hard time indicating passage of time) Ursula comes home to Pin wearing their father's clothes and a mask.

Leon tells Ursula that he wants to be a writer. Ursula snaps that she has a problem with It (2017), pointing at Pin.

Ursula runs upstairs to her room. Leon follows and yells at her. He tells her to either apologize to Pin or leave the house. She decides to apologize.

Another transition to an indeterminite point in the future. Ursula works in the library and a guy named Stan hits on her.

Ursula tells Leon this and Leon replies that Ursula is a "beautiful young woman."

I want to say that this moment is the point where Ursula should seek medical help, but she should have done a long time ago.

And getting the book on schizophrenia doesn't help.

Stan and Ursula start dating. Ursula says that she is going out to dinner and a movie with Stan,  to Leon's creepy dismay.

When she comes home from the date, Leon is angry that she wasn't on a date with her brother got back so late. He tells her not to see him again. Ursula snaps back.

Later, Leon calls Marsha to make a date for Saturday. That girl from near the beginning of the movie.

Pin tells Leon that he is just jealous of Ursula and this movie spiraled into some passive-agressive incestuous revenge plot. I love it.

Leon and Marsha go to the movies. Leon is bored and Marsha...

I hate it when person next to me chews loudly!

Ursula gives Stan a watch that beeps every hour. That may or may not be important later.


Marsha and Leon move to their room to have sex. Marsha undresses, but Leon doesn't, because Pin could come in.

He tells Marsha that Pin is a friend who is staying with them.

Leon decides not to have sex with Marsha because she is not an anatomy doll. He leaves.


Marsha walks downstairs and calls out for Leon to give her her jacket. She wanders around in the dark.

This scene looks like a typical horror movie scene, but it is very effective because there has been an hour of subdued build-up.

Marsha picks up her jacket and puts it on. Pin appears out of the darkness

Hello, Marsha.

I mean

Hello, Marsha

Pin chases Marsha...somehow. There's a motor. Marsha runs to the door and Ursula comes in. She yells at Leon, who is controlling an electric wheelchair with Pin in it.

This is the first movie I've reviewed where the doll has the disability.

In the morning, Ursula decides to get some psychiatric help for Leon.

That's what would happen if she were smart. Instead, she agrees to invite Stan over to meet Pin. Obviously.

Stan comes over with a box of chocolates for Ursula. Instead, Leon grabs them because "Pin loves chocolates".

Leon tells Ursula to go check on the rice while he goes up to introduce Stan to Pin.

Ursula had warned Stan about Pin, but he is still uncomfortable at the meeting. Pin says he likes the chocolates.

Pin is not at the dinner, which makes Leon unhappy.  Stan brings up Leon's poetry and asks to hear some of it after dinner.

Stan's watch beeps. This may or may not be important.

The poetry reading turns out to be a bad idea. Stan, Ursula, and Pin listen as Leon reads his epic poem about a "modern day Beowulf out to gain immortality by creating as much progeny as he can."

Poem

Closer she came to him,

Moving, it seemed, in silent motion 

"Moving in silent motion" is probably the greatest line in any movie I've reviewed thus far.

His heart beat steadily within the caverns of his bosom

Driving hot, thick blood down,

 Down into the depths of his loins

He lunged from the deepest, darkest

Passions in us all

She turned without a sound and faced him

He stopped abruptly 

It was if a knife had performed an instant castration

Yeah, work on your analogies.

He was looking to the eyes

of his sister

"Seriously, Leon? That didn't even rhyme!"

"I don't want to assume anything,
 but this feels like a red flag."

Leon excitedly rolls Pin into his room, claiming that Stan liked his poetry.

So...he carried the chair up the stairs by himself?

Leon goes downstairs and overhears Stan telling Ursula that he needs psychiatric help.

THANK YOU.

Stan worries about the whole "writing poetry about raping his sister" thing. Ursula tells him to wait 23 years and see how popular Game of Thrones will become.

Leon runs back upstairs.

Ursula has diagnosed Leon with paranoid schizophrenia, but she refuses to report it.

Pin tells Leon that he must get rid of Stan.

"Cut" to Leon practicing chopping up firewood.

There are about 25 minutes left in this 1:42:33 movie and no murders so far. But it's really good and creepy. I hope that when if Leon murders Stan , it won't ruin the atmosphere,

Ursula thanks Leon for being nice to Stan and it's important that they like each other. Leon hypothetically what would happen if he didn't like Stan. While angrily chopping firewood.

Ursula sees no problem with this.

Leon calls Stan asking if he can come over in an hour to help with Ursula's surprise birthday party.

Leon poisons some Scotch and sits down with Stan and Pin. So this isn't going to turn into The Shining.

At work, the librarian allows Ursula to leave early because she is distracted.

During the cut to the library, Stan drank the scotch. The movie could have made that clearer. Leon tells Stan that he and Pin care about Ursula. Stan starts drowsing off. Leon thinks he was plotting to put him in a mental institution

Stan collapses. Pin tells Leon to get Stan. Leon uses a horse statue to kill Stan.

Apparently Leon didn't give the medicine enough to time to kill Stan.

Pin starts talking to Leon, telling him to hide the body in the river and clean up the blood.

Unfortunately, Ursula calls to to tell him that she is coming home early.

Pin uses flexible thinking to reach a solution. Put the body underneath the woodpile,drive Stan's car away, and clean up the blood.

Ursula comes home. Leon tells her that Stan's friend got sick and he had to leave to see him and couldn't have Ursula for...some reason

Leon has made  a lot of food in the meantime. He ominously points at the dishes with a knife.

Leon and Ursula sit down to have pot roast, but Ursula is worried. Leon uses the following logic:

If you trust him, you shouldn't worry about him.

Leon casually mentions that their dad would turn over in his grave if he knew they were drinking wine.

Ursula snaps and tells him that life was better when their parents were alive because, among other things, "the food tasted good"

Leon asks if Ursula wants to here the new stanza in his poem.

She doesn't seem to react negatively to this suggestion. The poem about the incestuous rape.

Ursula checks on the fire when...

She hears Stan's watch beep.

I hate to admit it, but I didn't  see that coming when they set the watch up twice.

Ursula looks around for Stan as Pin sits creepily. She finds the watch and broken mantle under the couch.

Hold up.

Leon cleaned up the entire area of blood but missed the mantle and watch?

Ursula confronts Leon. Leon Pins the blame on the doll

Ursula runs away. Leon asks why Pin didn't lie for him.

"I don't know how [to lie] and neither do you and that's why you do it so badly"

Ursula comes back and has a brief Shining moment.

Later, the police uncover the body bag from under the logs. Ursula sits in the car. Somehow, stan is alive.

So far I have loved this movie and there are only three minutes left. Ready for the obligitory twist?

Ursula goes upstairs and talks to someone in a wheelchair staring out the window. She calls him Pin. Pin says he misses Leon.

Ursula: So do I.

Final shot

That ties back to the opening.

This twist is kind of unfair. Ursula clearly swung the ax at Leon. Apparently, at the last second, she changed direction and smashed Pin instead, I guess. And then the trauma of seeing Pin destroyed made Leon take on his personality permanently.

She clearly hit Leon!

I used to think that abstinence-only sex education was ineffective because teenagers will have sex even if you tell them not to.

But if you replace the current curriculum with just showing the Pin and woman sex scene to eighth-graders, it will put them off sex for a while.

Also, the conservative parents won't have a problem with this, as Pin identifies as male and the woman as female.

Seriously, I loved this movie. It's slow but it builds to an actually creepy atmosphere. The incestuous hints make it more disturbing. I was hoping to do a bad horror film for Halloween, but I ended up doing a great one.

I wonder if Hitchcock saw this movie before he made Psycho (1960)