Dark Floors

Dark Floors (2008) is a Finnish horror movie about a man and his autistic daughter trapped in a hospital by monsters.

Well, he shouldn't have gotten her vaccinated.

Some Original Ideas Should Stay Just Ideas

It starts with Sarah, the autistic daughter, getting a brain scan. She starts saying "Not again" repeatedly.

I'm guessing that the twist is that this is an endless loop. The movie wants you to think that she says "not again" because she has had so many brain scans before. But she is really saying "not again" because this is the start of the endless loop

 Sarah freaks out and the electricity flickers on and off. She asks for a red crayon. Her dad runs into the room and yanks her out of the machine.

I love hospitals that don't secure the doors during brain scans. I also love it when people can walk in without removing all the metal from their bodies and not kill their daughter.


I'm guessing that the twist is that she has some sort of supernatural powers. That's why her brain scan causes the electricity to flicker. She's going to kill everyone at the prom by the end.

Sarah asks for a red crayon. Sarah's dad wheels her out of the room. She draws:

See, it's symbolic of the endless loop. I think that her asking for a red crayon is symbolic of something else. Not sure

a strange man walks past and touches her hair creepily. she drops the crayon.

"I want the red crayon

I want the red crayon"

Her dad doesn't notice the man touching his daughter.

The doctor asks whether her dad has considered taking Sara to an institution. The dad responds with probably the greatest line that will be in this movie

"I've considered taking her to another hospital."

Sarah's dad puts her to bed.

Sarah: Not again!

It's an endless cycle.

Instead of waiting for the next day, Sarah's dad takes her to the elevator. She draws with an black crayon. She asks for the red crayon.

It's an endless cycle. The red crayon is the somehow connected to breaking the cycle. Maybe she has to draw the cycle in red crayon, not black

I figured out the twist five minutes in.

Sarah's abstract representation of the title

A nurse tries to convince Sarah's dad to let her stay and try a new drug

Dad: I know what's best for my daughter.

Clearly not, as he doesn't give her a red crayon.

They get into the elevator with four other people. An old man, a token black character, and a man in a suit holding a teddy bear,. As it descends, the elevator breaks down. Of course it does.

One man named Tobias has a heart attack.The nurse tries to revive him. The man in the suit calls for help.

Tobias starts breathing and The lights come back on immediately.

I think that the twist will be that Tobias has supernatural powers.

They get off on the sixth floor. Nobody else is on the floor. The air-conditioning is off

There had better be a great reason for this to happen. I don't get why the nurse who actually works there

Sarah spies a shadow behind a door. probably the creepy man who is actually a monster.

A noise. The token black character sees a pulsing light and trail of papers leading up to a door. He opens the door and sees a copy machine with the top up.

The scariest part of this horror movie is how much that hospital wastes on electricity.

Just reflect on the fact that this horror movie used a copy machine as a scare.

The nurse picks up the papers from the floor and flips through them

They sure do look like pictures of Dark Floors (2003).

This situation is creepy, but not creepy enough for the nurse and father to continue the conversation about continuing the medication. The father apparently wasn't aware that his daughter was taking a new drug. She says that they have to test for epilepsy and that discontinuation could be fatal.

The father hears a noise and thinks that investigating it is gar more important than his daughter potentially dying.

A girl in an electric wheelchair rams into a corner repeatedly.

The nurse touches her shoulder and her head flops backwards to reveal gouged-out eyes. (Bloody picture, click to reveal)

     

Nurse: Your eyes look a little blood-shot

The father turns Sarah's head away. The nurse puts a blanket over the dead girls face.

Tobias: She who has no eyes sees everything. Makes no difference, they are at all times. Not me, they can't see me.

The black guy can't contact anyone.

Sarah draws a creepy woman.

This is an impressive number of cliches for such a short time period.

They get to a stairwell. The father picks up Sarah and they begin climbing down, leaving the wheelchair at the top.

A sudden pounding from below. The characters look down. A BANG, a flash of light, and then some bloods spurts up, splattering some people's faces. Conveniently, this made the wheelchair roll down to their level. The father sets Sarah in the wheelchair and they all escape to the fourth floor landing. Someone places a crutch under the door.

Man in Suit: What the hell was that.

Tobias: Well, there's only one hell.

Tobias suggests that this is Hell. "This" being "Watching Dark Floors (2008)"

Seriously, the hospital is probably Hell. Sarah is stuck in an eternal loop. This is so predictable.

Also, the man in the suit dropped his teddy bear. I had to go back and add this detail in because it will be important later. This plot is so intricate!

The nurse condescendingly tells the father, Ben, that a bright light or a loud noise can trigger a seizure. Yeah, Ben. Think of that the next time you bring your daughter to hospital where eye-gouging monsters emit loud noises and bright lights

A pounding at the door. Sarah takes off down the hallway. The other characters follow.  It's almost like she knows what to do because she's been there before.

Lights flicker over the crutch holding the door in place.

Everyone gets to a control room. The security guard looks at the computer monitors and declares the hospital empty. The man in a suit tries to announce whether they are over the microphone,but the security guard cuts him off.

Sarah looks back at a door.

I think that Sarah was cast based on who could look over her shoulder the most creepily. Anyway, she goes through the doors. They open without her pushing them. So now she's telekinetic  as well?

The nurse points to the TV screens at some people walking on the third floor.

Ben has lost track of Sarah. Why is he so bad at parenting? Tobias points him through the doors and Ben approach Sarah from behind. It's supposed to be reminiscent of the scene were the girl had bloody eyes, but it is obvious that Sarah is fine. She's in an endless loop, remember?

Ben saves Sarah and the group walk into the main floor. The radio and television turn on repeat the same two-second clips over and over. Everyone's cell-phone rings.


Sarah and Tobias place their hands over their ears.

At nineteen minutes into this horror movie about monsters, there are still no monsters onscreen. That's about to to change. a ghost forms behind a glass door.

Honestly...I'm disappointed.

The security guard remembers the training he did for this particular situation and shoots the glass a few times.

It doesn't break, so the ghost helpfully shrieks and shatters the glass door, the glass of the doors next to it, and the television. Ben picks up Sarah and they run away.

 Actual dialogue from Dark Floors (2003)

Ben: This is not happening

Man In Suit: What was that?

The ghost chases the characters down a hall, breaking windows and creating a ton of jobs.


Once cornered, the security guard tries to shoot the ghost. It doesn't work. Instead, the nurse accidentally bumps into a machine that turns on and emits radiation that banishes the ghost. Convenient. Also convenient that the radiation had no negative effects on them.

Everyone goes back to the room where Sarah's wheelchair is.

This entire movie is:

1. Wander around dark halls.

2. See something dangerous.

3. Pick up Sarah and run.

4. Escape.

5. Go back to wheelchair.

Meh, at least it's only an hour long.

Ben asks why Tobias covered his ears before the ghost came. And before Sarah did Tobias implies that the monsters are here because of Sarah.

Tobias: The emptiness

I think he is also in the endless loop.

The characters theorize that they are either dreaming or hallucinating.  The man in the suit walks away.

Well, he's dead. Good. I didn't know his name.

Sarah draws some more.

The man in the suit presses the button for the elevator and waits. He looks behind him. Then he enters the elevator. The floor of the elevator makes noise, as if there are monsters underneath. The man sticks his hands into the elevator doors and tries to escape.

Dark Floors goes through all the motions of a horror movie, even if none of it resonates.

That was my attempt at complimenting this movie.

The security guard and Ben run to the elevator at the sound of scream. They keep the elevator door open . A monster comes out from beneath the floor.

This probably violates the ADA
about three different ways.

The security guard tries to knock out the monster with a fire extinguisher, but hits the man instead. He tries again and gets the monster. How did he get the job?

Tobias holds a gun up to his head, claiming he has done this a hundred times.

So they aren't even trying to keep the endless loop a twist.

Sarah: Tobias, I promise you will see.

Dark Floors is half a generic horror film and half obvious clues to a twist.

Ben and the security guard rescue the man in the suit, but the monster wake up and slashes his leg as they they escape.

Ben looks at Sarah's drawing of the elevator and asks whether she has seen it before. Sarah wants the red crayon.

Give your daughter the red crayon.

Seriously, give your daughter the damn red crayon!

The nurse patches up the man in the suit's leg. Ben points out that they are probably not in a mass psychosis.

They leave. The nurse tries an intercom and gets a response! Sarah does her stare and the intercom shuts off.

I'm assuming Sarah has some sort of telekinesis. She made the doors open, remember? and therefore she made the intercom shut off. Why? Maybe in a previous loop, answering the intercom had bad consequences. Or Maybe she is bitter about the red crayon.

They go down another floor.

Another Dark Floor.

Randall, the security guard, finds a blocked exit. he picks up a chair and smashes the exit open. Oops, it's  a brick wall. That scene was useful.

Sarah stares creepily at a water jug and the water moves around

Floor 3. This movie is like watching someone else play a video game. They even label the levels!

A hallway of corpses. The nurse recognizes on of them as "Walter," Tobias picks up a recording device and presses a play button

"The only sensible solution is to give up the girl, give up the girl, give up the girl, give up the girl"

Tobias says it is up to Ben to decide what to do.Now, why does "the girl" necessarily refer to Sarah? The movie is almost hallway over and I'm really losing faith in any explanation

Whatever, a random monster breaks of a door. They run away through another door and block it with a vending machine. The monster breaks through the door.

Ghosts or monsters? I need some
consistency in my B-movies.

Randall tries to shoot the monster, but it just kills him.

Oh my god, this movie came out in 2003 and the black guy still died first.

Randal and the monster just disappear after this.

Ben, Sarah, the nurse, and the man in a suit stare out the window at the city. Some sort of odd light is in the sky.

Sarah knows what is happening, and she probably would tell them if she had her red crayon.

The nurse gets another call from the intercom. Turns out that the call is the same as the call she made earlier. So the nurse called herself in the future.

I'm glad this endless loop thing isn't being hidden.

The nurse figures that this is just a parallel dimension and not something unrealistic like time travel.

The man in the suit points out that all the clocks and watches have stopped. It would be funny if, at the end, they discover that there isn't some metaphysical reason behind this. All the clocks and watches just ran out of battery at the exact same time.

Ben and the nurse go for a walk. The nurse tells Ben that Sarah knows something and is probably the reason for everything.

Ben deflects and tells the nurse to check out a random corpse. This corpse has a gun, so Ben takes it. Guns have worked so well in the past.

The man in the suit asks Sarah what she is drawing. Sarah shoots him a death glare.

Ben goes back to the fake exit/brick wall and attempts to break through it with a hammer. We learn that nurse has a four year-old son.  Dark Floors (2003) is actually attempting character development.

A noise from above. Ben shoots upwards. Because of course. A teddy bear falls to the ground.

This is the payoff for dropping the teddy bear.

I had to look this up. The man carrying the teddy bear was from an earlier time loop. Ben shot upwards, his bullet went through time, and he hit the man. Makes sense.

At this point, everyone has figured out that the monsters want Sarah. Johnson figures that he might as well just sacrifice her and get the rest of them out safely. He wheels Sarah to the middle of a hallway and calls out for the monsters to take her. Tobias tries to interfere, but Johnson punches him

Ben and the nurse approach two skeletons...hugging?

At some point, Ben and Tobias set up a two-way radio system. Don't know when, don't know how.

Johnson kills Tobias. Sarah is bored

Ben and the nurse rush in. Johnson grabs the wheelchair to push, but Sarah moves the wheelchair... with her mind. 

You know what, fine. This movie can do anything it wants and I won't complain.

And then a giant sand monster walks past Sarah and attacks Johnson.

Best-lit frame I could find.

 I think that Sarah has some control over the monsters.

The monsters jam a hand inside Johnson, grabs an organ, and pulls it out. The gore is decent.

The most positive thing I have said about this movie so far is that one gore effect was decent.

Ben kills the monster with a gurney. Sarah draws some more. Ben dismisses his autistic child's artwork. Be a better parent, Ben!

Ben, the nurse, and Sarah go to Tobias's corpse. The nurse remarks that it looks as if Tobias has been
dead for a week. Time loop and everything. They grab the other end of the two-way radio.

They can't get down the stairs because it's a dead-end.

ADA violation?

Ben asks Sarah if she can draw the way out of the hospital. Without her red crayon. The nurse finds a way through the second floor.

Ben and the nurse look for supplies and Sarah vanishes. I really dislike Sarah. She ruins everything.

Ben and the Nurse decide to split up to look for Sarah, because that always goes well. Each take a two-way radio

The nurse ducks under a table to hide from a monster. She kills it with defibrillator.

Hospital-based horror films should
always have a defibrillator kill.

Ben rushes through a door to the emergency and enters a dreamlike hospital filled with people. He tries to touch some, but his hand goes right through them.

The radio buzzes. Ben tells the nurse that he is in front of room 235. The nurse says she is also in front of room 235.

So Ben is in some ethereal dimension version of the hospital, while the nurse is in the monster-ridden version of the hospital. The pathway between them is an emergency room door.

This is why health-care costs are so out-of-control.

I've been (relatively) lenient on this movie so far. I have to make a small complaint. How do radio waves cross dimensions? The screenwriter never thought of that, did they?

Ben leaves the ethereal hospital through the emergency room door and finds Sarah in front of the elevator. He approaches her from behind. Where have I seen this before?

The sand monster suddenly appears and attacks Ben.

These monsters are clearly protecting Sarah, From Ben? And what was with the girl with the gouged-out eyes? Was she a younger version of Sarah? Why couldn't I just watch an hour of people fighting monsters in a hospital?

Q: What is the worst way to  resolve this?

A: No idea, but in the movie, Tobias comes up and stabs the monster.

Tobias is still alive. Somehow. He kills the monster

Ben talks to Sarah. Sarah tells him

"It has to stop."

Ben replies not to worry, as there's only about ten minutes before the movie ends.

The elevator opens, A skeletal monster runs towards them. Sarah, Ben and the nurse run into the elevator. The doors close.

Ben tries to get them to floor one, but the elevator skips onto the morgue.

God damn it, this is why hospitals need regular elevator inspctions,

They get off and walk through the morgue. Room for one more, honey.

The ghost that they supposedly killed towards the beginning of the movie jumps up and slashes the nurse's leg. Or maybe it's a different ghost but crew didn't make another design.

Now the nurse and Sarah both need to use the wheelchair.

Excuse me, that is against hospital policy.


Suddenly the clock starts ticking and the corpses around them come to life. Of course. I should have seen that coming. The nurse, Ben, and Sarah escape into another room. Then the zombies enter that room, so Ben and Sarah run out into the garage. The nurse tries to, but her wheelchair gets stuck.

Hospitals, make your morgues accessible. Do you want this to happen?

The doors slam shut and monsters kill the nurse. Then dark...shadow breaks the windows.

Ben and Sarah hop into a truck with keys in it and drive. The car crashes

Sarah: It's here. It's here. Again. Again

The darkness approaches and the truck starts again. At this point, there is an escape scene in a car against darkness.

Suddenly, a monster forms in front of the car. This isn't just any generic monster. This is the big, main, generic monster.

Ben drives to the end of the garage and looks back. The monster is gone.

Sarah: What's happens will happen. etc.

They are really playing up the creepy child aspect. Ben brings Sarah out of the car and sits her on the ground

Sarah: Bedabye baby, sleep tight, don't let those bedbugs bite. I love you. Goodnight.

Turns out the monster is still there. Ben gets back in the car and tries to run it over, but at the last minute, it turns into the ghost of Sarah.

I lied when I said that this movie couldn't surprise me anymore.

So did Ben let Sarah die in the test at the beginning and her spirit is haunting him

Ben steps into the darkness and it starts to swallow him up.

Sarah: Sure you don't want to hold on for another second, baby?

This is a line that Ben said at the beginning of the movie when Sarah was in the machine.

The generic monster tries to hug Sarah, but Sarah says she wants to go home because she "cant live in darkness"

She was living in darkness through most the movie.

Cut back to the hospital. and Sarah  waking up in the machine. Of course.

The beginning of the movie plays out again, except this time, Sarah uses a blue crayon.

The entire red crayon thing led up to her using a blue crayon.

Seriously, give your daughter a damn red crayon!

When the man talks to her and we hear what he says this time.

"Sarah, I don't feel cold anymore." 

So....there were a few more twists than I expected. Sarah is clearly angry that her dad put her through all those tests. I guess she created the monsters to protect herself from her dad. The main monster was her...depression? She thought she had to kill her depression, but instead she had let the depression swallow up her dad. But the depression also led to death, although she made a deal at end that represents...

Dark Floors (2008) had a couple good gore shots, so the movie is good.

I learned later that all the monsters were members of the Finnish band Lordi. This is some misguided promotional movie.

This is one of the few movie I consider so bad it's good. I think it's because it combines so many conflicting elements. It is simultaneously a bad horror film and an art-house film. The script is terrible, but the actors do a great job delivering the lines.

In conclusion, give your daughter the red crayon.

The Candy Snatchers

CW: Brutal Sexual Assault Of An Underage Girl.

I shouldn't be doing this movie. It's by far the most...unsavory movie I've covered. (Unsavory is a good euphemism) Tiffany Bolling, one of the stars, said she regrets making this movie. What a coincidence. I regret watching this movie.

But it's an infamous exploitation film about autism. How could I resist?

Seriously, this entire movie is about the threat of and eventual sexual assault of a teenager. I advise you not to read if sexual assault is a trigger for you.

Good?

The Candy Snatchers is 1973 exploitation film about an autistic boy who witnesses the kidnapping of a 16 year old girl.

I'm in the mood for a schlocky movie. And I wish I had done this for Halloween instead. Because Candy.

It starts with an overweight woman of color walking around town.

Just kidding, it's a thin, blonde, white girl.

 Her name is Candy. The song tells us:

Oh what a shame

That the Candy Girl

Stayed and played the game

But the need and greed for money

Makes a guy act kind of funny.

Great, now we don't have to watch the movie

Also, there are three people, two men and one woman, watching her.

Just got it. They are going to Snatch Candy,

Candy hitches a ride with a guy. One of the Candy Snatchers asks whether he will take her all the way home.

Male Candy Snatcher: No chance. She's not that kind of girl.

She hitches another ride with the villains, who kidnap her.

If that's too subtle, the song repeats the lyric.

The men stuff her face in some rags and blindfold/gag her .

Male Candy Snatcher: Calm down, babe, you're just being kidnapped.

In the first four minutes, the movie made a good joke about an underage girl being kidnapped in a van. This is probably going on my "guilty pleasures" list

Get it? They are Snatching Candy.

The kidnappers drive to a secluded location with a "No Trespassing" sign and move Candy into a Candy-Shaped hole. Then they cover it with boards and fill the hole with dirt. A pole sticks up to indicate where she is buried.

Six minutes into this movie and it is living up to the the exploitation genre.

The woman licks an envelope with the ransom letter shut. Strangely seductively.

I understand that this movie has to objectify women, but does it have to make licking an envelope shut "erotic"?

If the kidnappers want her alive for the ransom, they aren't doing a very good job of keeping her alive.

On of the male kidnappers tells Jesse, the female kidnapper, that he could never have thought of that. So this movie is acknowledging that women are intelligent. I'm getting conflicting messages.

Wait, Jesse says that she couldn't have thought of it either, she saw it on television. Funny, I saw it in a movie.

The criminals drive away. The autistic boy comes out from the bushes accompanied with way too whimsical music for the tone of this movie.

He pulls at the pole. Then he takes some candy out of his pocket and eats it.

Get it? Candy...Snatchers?

Then he plays a game. he puts his hand over the pole, which is a hollow pipe.

It's implied that the pipe is giving Candy the ability to breath. I don't know if that works in real life.

A woman rings a cowbell. She is the autistic boy's mother.  Sean, the boy, comes running.

The movie subtly implies that Sean's mother is abusive. She yells at him, slaps him, leaves him alone in the bath, slaps him again, and tells him not to be "special" while their father's boss goes to dinner with them.

All in under one minute! Candy Snatchers sure knows how to develop characters economically.

The kidnappers decide to go to a  party where Candy's father is and confront him. The letter didn't work?

Sean and his parents drive to the boss' house. .

Jesse calls Candy's father, Avery, and tells him that if he ever wants to see Candy again, he has to give her all the diamonds in his store. Doesn't she feel bad about the exploitation in the diamond mining industry? The male kidnappers put the letter in the door. Okay.

Avery has a huge picture of Candy in his desk drawer and a gun is underneath it. Of course. A male kidnapper watches, and then all three snatchers drive away.

On the way to the boss's house, Audrey (Sean's mom) and Sean's dad argue about chewing with one's mouth open. Then Sean's dad yells at Sean. Everyone in this movie is fairly awful.

Avery goes home and asks his wife, Cathrine, whether she has seen  Candy. Cathrine replies that Candy is at a friend's house

The three criminal pose as bird watcher while they wait for the ransom. This movie is increasing the stigma against bird-watching. But Avery is still at home.

The boss tries to talk to Sean and asks him really... pointed questions

"I bet there's something you are just dying to talk about."

"You went out today and you saw something?"

"Now just exactly what did you see?"

The parents try to tell the parents that Sean doesn't talk. For some reason, the boss finds this hilarious and laughs for 18 seconds.

18 seconds may not seem like a long time until you have to listen to someone laugh about a kid not talking for 18 seconds.

I didn't know that kids not being able to talk was humorous. This movie is really challenging me to expand the scope my sense of humor.

Avery goes to...have an affair? Not the time.

The motif of "women using their mouths seductively" really adds to the deep themes of "The Candy Snatchers."

Actually, Avery just brought some diamonds over for her to look at.

Actually, it's to have an affair.

He's not being af-fair to his daughter.

One of the Candy Snatchers loses patience and throws his bird map away.

On the trip back from the boss, Sean's father laments that they never sent him to a psychiatrist. Then Sean mother yells at him to go to bed because she doesn't want to ever see him again. The boss was the only marginally likeable character in the movie.

Sean spots the Snatcher's flashlights in the distance. Then his mom comes in, yells that he ruined everything, drags him off-screen and starts hitting him.  This movie is quite...interesting.

A male Snatcher named Eddy gives the blindfolded Candy some water. Then he takes her to the bathroom and assures her that they won't kill her. Well, that's reassuring.

The Snatchers wonder why they didn't get the diamond. Jesse theorizes that the reason is that Avery didn't think they would actually kill Candy. So they need to prove it to him.

The logical solution is to cut off her ear and ship it to Avery in a box.

I should have done this for Halloween!

Jessie starts laughing and the movie cuts from her laughing mouth to Candy's screaming mouth. That's the closest this movie comes to an artistic transition.

They record Candy screaming as Jessie caressess her ear with a knife. Now they have her screams, but not her ear.

The light-haired male Snatcher stops Jesse from cutting off Candy's ear so he can do it himself.

Now, the best movies are the ones that bring up issues you have never thought about before. I, personally, have never considered the proper way to slice off someone's ear.

They decide against the ear cutting. I'm disappointed in the lack of gore thus far.

Luckily, Jesse has connections with a mortician called Charlie who sells body parts. Of course she does.

POC representation in the medical field! In 1973!

Jesse and Charlie haggle the price of an ear to $50.

$50 in 1973 is about $273.03 in 2017. I don't know much about the ear market, except that it is the opposite of the ull market.

Charlie is the creepiest character in the movie and there should be an entire movie about his backstory:

"These are the best people in the world. They don't hurt nobody. They don't make no trouble. They don't tell me what to do. They don't cause no pain. They mind their own business. Yes sir, all they do is lie there, and just think about all the people it's too late to fuck."

Clearly, he has not seen Tombs of the Blind Dead,

The first corpse is male, so they ask for a female. I did not know that ears were gendered. Charlie goes down a line of corpses in Goldilocks-esque scene. One is too male. One is too old. The last corpse is a typical exploitation film blonde woman.

He starts to cut off the ear and the scene is pretty funny. Charlie's hand covers the operation the entire time. The funny part is Jessie's reactions.

Eddy talks to Candy. He tells her that they want her father to steal some diamonds from the safe for them. Candy asks why money is so important. Eddttells Candy a rambling story about how he went to the army, and then worked in a furniture store, and then bought some coveralls. Somehow this connects to Candy. She says that Eddy could be redeemed.

Candy asks whether Jessie is a girl, because she is surprised that the others take orders from her. She lives in an exploitation movie, remember?

Candy tells Eddy that he is in love with Jessie. Eddy assure Candy that the won't kill her. Then this happens.

Now, I've heard of Stockholm Syndrome but...

Jesse and Alan walk in and Alan wittingly refers to them as Beauty and the Beast (2017).

Alan tries to drop the ear off on the bench, but Jessis forces him to bring it to his room so Eddy won't sabotage it.

Now, everyone in this movie is awful. But they are at least trying to make Eddy likeable. To correct this, Eddy confronts Jessie,  rips off her top, knocks her into a bathtub.

Jessie starts crying and says she wants to get on a plane to New York so she'll feel safe in a scene that is way too emotional for The Candy Snatchers.

Eddy reminds Jessie that she promised that they would escape together. Jessie laughs. And then they have sex. Okay.

The next day, Jessie and Alan bring Candy back out and toss her in the hole. Eddy tries to stop them, but Alan reminds him that they are going to kill Candy anyway. Oops. Don't make promises.

Instead of putting her in the hole, Alan ties her up inside and starts to cut off her blindfold. Eddy grabs him and forces him away from Candy.

Hey, there's an autistic kid in this movie, remember?

Sean watches the truck pass.

Eddy, Jessie and Alan decide to bring the ear to Avery. Catherine is sick and doesn't know that Candy is gone. Avery lies to her and says Candy "stopped by."

The Snatchers sneak up on a telephone man installing a line and attempt to beat him up. The telephone man beats up Eddy and Alan, but Jessie manages to knock him out with a board.

Female empowerment?

This reference joke is way too complicated for an exploitation movie.

Sean eats his Wheaties. His mom tells him that he has to pick up all his toys after breakfast.

Sean is in the movie. It is vital that you remember that Sean is in the movie.

Eddy drives the lineman's truck to Avery's place. He tells Avery's mistress that he is there to fix the telephone lines. When Avery comes to the gate, Eddy tells him that it is about Candy. Avery lets him in.

In the other truck, Jessie  and Alan realize that they will probably have to kill Candy now that she knows their names.

Eddy plays the tape of Candy's screams and shows "her" ear to Avery. Then the door opens and a cop is there. Oops.

The cop asks Eddy to move his truck. Avery hands back the box and tape recorder.

Okay, so the actions of Avery are confusing so far. But now there is a pretty amazing twist that explains why.

Avery is not Candy's father. He is her Step-father. Avery married candy's mother because her late father left Candy $2 million. If Candy reaches 21, she gets that money. If not, a million goes to her mother and a million to Avery. Avery has been waiting for a way for Candy to die for a long time.

He has earned the villainous hand gesture.

This was foreshadowed with Avery's apathy towards the situation and his affair with the diamond lady. Great job, Candy Snatchers.


Now Eddy is conflicted. He drives the lineman's truck back to the other Snatchers' truck. Jessie informs Eddy that Alan went back on motorcycle to kill Candy. Eddie drives back top the hideout.

Conveniently, this the same time that Sean stumbles into the hideout. He finds Candy on the floor and takes off her blindfold.

They didn't lock the doors? Seriously?

Candy assumes that Sean isn't her kidnapper and asks for help. Sean can't untie her. Candy just asks him to call the police or they will kill her.

Candy: Do you know what killing is?

Sean:

Sean hides in the rafters without putting the blindfold back on. Avery comes in with a knife. This is a really intense movie.

The next scene is the brutal sexual assault. Sean watches. Moving right along...

Eddy runs in and attacks Alan. Jessie calls Alan a pig. Eddy stitches up Candy. Candy accuses Eddy of lying to her.

Jessie and Alan drink. Sean pokes around in the attic. Jessie laments that, if they kill Candy, her step-father will get a million dollars.

Sean knocks down a ladder to distract the Snatcher. Then he removes a slat in the attic, jumps down, and runs away with far, far too whimisical music following a brutal sexual assault scene.

The Snatchers try to run after him, but Sean gets away. They blame  the noise on a nearby cat.

Comic Relief?

Sean runs into his room and pulls out his toys from his drawer until he finds....

I would say "add laugh track", but the movie adds a comedic sound effect.

Eddy laments that Alan removed Candy's blindfold. Alan asserts dominance and declares that they will simply kidnap Avery and hold him at gunpoint.

Eddy tries to suggest putting Candy back in the hole, but  Alan wants to just kill her.

It's extremely jarring for this movie to cut between the brutal Candy scenes and the actually funny Sean scenes. Sean calls a delicatessen and pulls a string on the back of the doll so it will say

"Police, open up"

This scene is funny, and brings up a valid point. How many nonverbal kids are unable to call for help because their parents don't buy them a separate doll for each emergency situation?

The owner of the deli says he will call the police.

Back at the hideout, Eddy assures Candy that it will all be over tonight, but she has to go back into the hole. Candy is understandably not thrilled about this but Eddy says it is her only chance.

Candy goes back into the hole I'm assuming that the plan is that Eddy will tip the police off.

Meanwhile, Avery tells his mistress  that his "lifetime investment" is about to pay off and they can go to Rio. Remember, he is the bad guy.

Alan accuses Eddy of not actually killing Candy. Eddy gives him a shovel, claiming he can dig her if she

Instead, Alan picks up the breathing pipe for the ground. They didn't show Eddy put the breathing pipe in.

So...is  Candy dead? With fifteen minutes left? Is the breathing pipe ever explained?

The next scene has some political commentary that is surprisingly relevant in 2017 for a 1973 movie. The Snatachers try to buy a gun, The shopowner asks for a driver's license. What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

The shopowner can't sell them the pistol for that night, as there is a so he offers to sell them a rifle with "no questions asked"

What part of "shall not be infringed" does he not understand?

Sean tries to sneak back home, but Audrey interrupts and confiscates a pair of scissors.

The Snatchers go into Avery's house. Katherine is there, no longer sick. She doesn't know  that Candy is gone.

Audrey opens a medicine cabinet and takes out a bottle of sleeping pills. She assures Sean that she will only give him one pill to put him to sleep, not to kill him. Oh, that makes it okay.

Alan gets Katherine drunk and begins making out with her.

Eddy:"That is sick. That is really sick. She is old enough to be your mother."

Getting her drunk was okay, but her age crosses the line. Also, this is going too far after the brutal sexual assault of Candy.

Now that she is drunk, the Snatchers make her call Avery and ask when he is coming home. He replies that he was going to be late.

Avery is busy sleeping with the diamond store employee. This probably breaks some code of ethics.

Avery tells the employee that he is never going home again. Then it cuts to him opening the door to his house. Um, irony?

Eddy and Jessie confront Avery with the gun. If the good guys just  carried guns, this sort of thing wouldn't happen!

List of "good guys" in this film:

Candy (deceased)

Sean

Katherine

They inform him that someone is sleeping with Katherine upstairs. But not really. Becasue Alan stabs Katherine in the heart and takes her diamond necklace.

Eddy and Jesse force Avery to take them to the safe and assures him that he is "safe". Meanwhile, Alan sneaks into the office and finds Avery's gun in a drawer.

Avery opens the safe and begins filling up the Snatcher's bag. Avery offers a deal and brings the snatchers' to his office. He asks whether Candy is alive. He tries to get the gun out of the drawer, but, of course, Alan has it. Alan slams the drawer on Avery's hand and shoots him with the gun.

Alan tries to shoot Eddy, but Jessie shoots him first. Eddy and Jessie run outside. Avery follows, clutching and shoots Jessie.

This may sound intense, but the blood effects are so bad. They look like red Candy.

Eddy jumps into his truck. Avery forces a guy out of his car with a gun and hijacks it. Chase scene towards the hideout. Both get out and have a shootout.

All of this, from Alan shooting Avery to the beginning of the shootout at the hideout, takes place in the span of three minutes. And there are four minutes left in the movie.

Eddy kills Avery with the rifle. He hears Candy breathing.

Candy is still alive?

Eddy tries to dig up Candy but...

Pop quiz time:

What is the silliest possible ending to this movie?

If you guessed "Sean appears out of nowhere, takes Avery's pistol. kills Eddy with it, and then goes back to his mother and shoots her as well," you would be thinking the same as the writer.

The funny thing is that you don't see Sean kill his mother. His mother just yells at him, the camera stays on Candy's grave, and gunshot. Heavy breathing from Candy's grave.

The song "Money is the root of all happiness" plays over the credits.

Get it? Because the plot is about getting money. And everyone dies. And everyone is awful, so it's a happy ending.

The Candy Snatchers is a sick movie. It does everything to shock the audience and the ending feels...

Movies should do their best to empower autistic children. I'm not denying the capability of autistic children, But I don't think that any child, autistic or not, could do what Sean does in this movie. Even if their parents buy a specific talking police doll.

 I can't imagine what kind of individual finds enjoyment out of these types of movies.

I thoroughly enjoyed The Candy Snatchers!