The Greatest Showman

The Greatest Showman (2017) is the second movie of the year about a monster running a circus.

I heard people complain that this movie exploits P. T. Barnum, who exploited disabled people and people of color. So of course I had to see it.

Before the movie, Hugh Jackman and Michael Gracey thanked us because the movie is supposed to be seen on a big screen with a large audience. That's why they released it the same time as Star Wars.

To my surprise , the theater made a mistake and accidentally ran the exclusive, 3-hour, uncut, R rated version of The Greatest Showman, featuring songs not even on the official soundtrack.

The actual story is a mess, so I'll just talk about the songs.

All the songs start out subdued and build into a climactic 11th hour number with incredibly cinematography and no real context. I was kind of hoping that the songs would reflect the circus style, but that would be  Some of them start out with a sound in the environment providing the beat, a la The Music Man. And the songs feel incredibly long, despite averaging three to five minutes, and feel like a way to skip over tricky sections of Barnum's life.


"The Greatest Show"- The first number is P.T. Barnum as a grown man standing in the ring singing about how great his show is. This nicely sets the tone for the rest of the songs: trying to convince the audience that the movie is more dramatic than it actually is. The song starts with the freaks making "ooh" sounds, then Barnum starts what sounds like a patter sounds. Then it jumps to a climactic final, with the freaks doing an act. For the rest of the song. It sounds like it should be the finale of the movie. Spoiler: it is reprised for the finale.

"A Million Dreams"- This actually had a nice melody. It also is the CliffNotes from Barnum's early years. I thought it was just a throwaway song about Charity and Barnum's childhood friendship because the lyrics were so generic. But it keep going for four minutes and halfway through jumps from childhood to adulthood  until they are married. Throughout, we see some disabled people helping Barnum, which later inspires him to exploit them. I think this is one of the best songs, but the bar is extremely low.

"A Million Dreams (reprise)"- I didn't think that this was a reprise when I watched the movie because it comes right after the original and is one minute long. His daughter sings it on the rooftop after he loses his job.

"The Opening Act"- This is the most controversial song in the uncut version, and, like all songs, has a slow starts that builds to a climax. A dying Joyce Heath sings "You can prove you're not a hack/This was just your Opening Act" She dies and Barnum sings "She was just my Opening Act" Then the movie cuts to her autopsy and the incisions form the beat of the song. The lyrics aren't that good. I think it relies on the double meaning of "opening" too heavily. This is probably the reason the uncut version got an R rating. The gore was just as over-the-(big)top as everything else in the movie.

"Come Alive"- P.T. Barnum goes around recruiting freaks to abuse exploit offer employment at his museum. I though the title was "Dreaming With Your Eyes Wide Open", which would have been a better title. Sure, they aged up Charles Stratton and Lettie Lutz to early 20s, but how else could they sing? I feel that this song is a good way to skip over the more controversial stuff with the freaks.

"The Other Side"-  this starts out really promising. Barnum and Phillip Carlyle , a completely fictional character, are at a bar. Barnum convinces him to join the circus, with "The Other Side" referring to more low-brow performances that Carlyle's more prestigious plays. The beat starts with slamming drinks on the counter and the song starts like a natural conversation and is one of the only songs that feels specific to the plot.Then they get up and do acrobatics across the bar. There wasn't enough circus stuff in the movie, I guess. Probably my favorite song on the movie just for the first part. 

"A Minstrel Ballet"- The choice to have the minstrel show as a ballet was inspired because it reflects the silencing of black voices. Unfortunately, the song is yet another generic pop song instead of something reflective of the content.

"Never Enough"- Okay, this song annoyed me. Barnum goes to England and sees a performance by opera-singer Jenny Lind. So she gets up on the opera stage, and sings a generic pop song that honestly could have been exchanged for any other song in this movie. It's somewhat ironic that the song is complaining that something can never be enough when the movie isn't giving the audience anything of substance.

"I'm Just Me"- This is the big one. The one that is in all the marketing and summarizes the themes of the movie. She freaks think that they will are invited to a royal party in England, but get shut out. So the bearded lady starts to sing some message about being herself and they crash the party. It builds into a climactic moment in the circus ring and I just got confused as to which songs weren't diagetic. That's the problem with a circus musical. And I'm just wondering, is the first part non-diagetic and the second diagetic,

"Come Alive (reprise)"- a brutal song about the freaks being abused and realizing that they aren't getting the life Barnum promised. This is a stark contrast to the message of "I'm Just Me" The tone is just as upbeat as the other songs but the visuals of physical abuse makes it powerful.

"Rewrite The Stars"- The "Re-" syllable  is painful. Thank you, Zac Effron. This is an attempt at a B love story right when you want the movie to be over. Carlyle is in a forbidden interracial relationship with Anne Wheeler, a fictional trapeze artist played by Disney Channel favorite Zendaya Coleman. So  the B love story is between two fictional characters. Great. You can tell that this is supposed to be one of the "big" songs, but it is just as ridiculous as all the other songs. Anne Wheeler takes Carlyle up on the trapeze without any training or safety equipment,

"Tightrope"- the movie is fairly long and aimless. As it approached the end, I just wanted everything to wrap up quickly. Instead, Barnum's wife, who was not in the movie since the beginning, sings a long song about how her life is like "walking a tightrope." The movie already struggles to make us care about the main characters, so why should we care about his wife? Also using tightrope as a metaphor isn't clever. At all. This is one of the better songs because it is one of the most subdued songs, despite not being subdued at all.

"Never Enough (reprise)"- Jenny Lind breaks it off with Barnum after a completely fictionalized affair, I'm still upset that this isn't an opera song.

"From Now On"- After the circus burns down, Barnum goes to the bar. The freaks go in to comfort him and he has and epiphany. I have no idea what the epiphany is. Something about not doing it for the fame and money, despite doing everything to pay back the loan. Bizarre.

"Slaves No More"- A beautifully ironic song in which Barnum sings about his opposition to slavery to the freaks, whom he treats as slaves. I am upset that this song is only in the uncut version, as it really ties the entire movie together.

"The Greatest Show (reprise)"- We go back to the opening to emphasize that Barnum learned nothing throughout this entire movie.

The uncut R-rated version of The Greatest Showman (2017) is worth seeing. For some reason, however, I can't find anything about it. Maybe I just had an amazing fluke and none of the other five people in the theater told anybody online.

I imagine that the theatrically released version is just a vapid glamorization of abuse and exploitation.

A perfect representation of the circus!

I'm relieved that nobody put this music to the Pennywise dancing scene. Yet.

The Shape Of Water

The Shape Of Water (2017) is one of this year's worst movies due to its blatant exploitation and misrepresentation of the experiences of mute women tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs. Neither Sally Hawkins nor Guillermo del Toro are mute and therefore cannot accurately portray this systemic issue.

The movie starts with Elisa, the mute woman, arriving at work. She is a custodian at a top-secret government lab. Elisa has scars on her throat from an injury that rendered her mute as an infant. Some officials bring in the sea monster in a tank, warning that it is "their most valuable asset." It is so valuable that everyone leaves it alone and Elisa walks right up to it and starts tapping on the glass. If only one of the millions of mute women who have taken care of otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs had directed or acted this scene, it would have been more accurate.

Richard Strickland, a hilariously over-the-top villain, gets his fingers bitten off by the creature. This made me hopeful that the movie would depict a more realistic otherworldly fish monster and mute woman relationship. However, Elisa goes into the lab to clean up and starts feeding the monster hard-boiled eggs.

Keep in mind that nobody knows anything about this creature. All Elisa knows is that this creature is extremely rare and is being studied in a top-secret lab. So she feeds it hard-boiled eggs.

Strickland's superior wants to dissect the creature to study its breathing apparatus in order to further the space race. Dmitri tries to tell them not to dissect it, because he is actually a Soviet spy. The Shape Of Water (2017) trots out the tired story of exploiting fish monsters during the Cold War instead of presenting another narrative. Strickland tortures the creature with electric shocks because he is the villain.

This monster is so important to the space race that they let the custodians have access to it at any time and only install camera after catching someone interfering. Congratulations Elisa, you could have just set the space race back with hard-boiled eggs.

The use of the government officials as villains is problematic because, if you read the accounts of all the mute women tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs, the fish monsters are usually more dangerous than the government officials.

I demand that every movie about an individual facing a systemic problem represents everyone who faces that systemic problem, even if those experiences are diverse, because I don't trust audiences enough to separate a single, fictional story from real life.

Elisa, her coworker, her husband, and Dmitri smuggle the otherworldly fish monster out and into Elisa's bathtub.  The monster gets out of the bathtub while the husband sleeps and the movie becomes E.T. (1982) He tries to make sense of the television programs, the kitchen appliances, and then he eats the cat. This is a good effort to show how harmful these otherworldly fish monster tend to be, however it is not enough.

The monster runs away. Elisa finds it in a movie theater, watching The Story Of Ruth (1960). I feel like this is a missed opportunity. The monster could have been watching a movie that tied into the meta theme of representation of sea creatures in media like this:

Then the otherworldly fish monster touches her husband and glows. The next day, his hair grows back. Yep, this otherworldly fish monster has healing powers. What a blow to the experiences of mute women who take care of otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs and find violent ends! I can not believe that they released this movie in 2017 without listening to the voices of women who have experienced this systemic problem. 

Then...

Then...um...

This is my only serious criticism in my review. I really did love this movie, but this part irritated me. The first part of the movie makes a half-hearted attempt deal about ethical concerns regarding the otherworldly fish monster. Elisa seems to be on the side of treating the monster humanely, which is good. Then when she gets home, she, uh, has...sexual intercourse with the otherworldly fish monster in the shower. And she has no idea how sentient this thing is and whether it can consent. Feeding it hard-boiled eggs without knowing it's diet was already a red flag. I'm not an ethicist, but I'm pretty sure there's a huge normative difference between hard-boiled eggs and sexual intercourse. My problem isn't that this is unethical; my problem is that Elisa is so adamant about treating the monster humanely and then doesn't care about the sexual intercourse. My other problem is that I had to think about the normative ethical difference between hard-boiled eggs and sexual intercourse for the first time in my life.

Most mute women in similar situation have been severely injured due to the violent nature of the otherworldly fish monster, and depicting a positive relationship is erasure.

With the monster getting weaker and the government investigation narrowing in on Elisa, they decide to set the monster free into a canal. However, they have to wait for a rainfall so the water will be high enough for the monster to swim over the wall.

Strickland interrogates and tortures people until he finds Elisa and her husband bringing the otherworldly fish monster to the canal and shoots Elisa. This is problematic because it portrays the government officials as the villains and ignores the violence of otherworldly fish monsters on mute women.

The otherworldly fish monster kills Strickland and heals Elisa. Then he drags Elisa to the water and turns her scars into gills so she can live in the water. And I'm just wondering, if the scars weren't in the same place as gills would be, would this not work? Not claiming it's a plot hole, just something to think about.

The title refers to Elisa's presence filling every space like "the shape of  water."

People should boycott this movie until Hollywood gives us better representation of mute women who are tasked to care for otherworldly fish monsters in secret government labs.

Seriously, this is a really good movie. I'd feel bad if I didn't give my actual thoughts.

One-Armed Boxer

To avoid making this entry a low-effort copy of One-Armed Executioner, here is a list of phrases I can't use for jokes:

•  Second-hand
• On the other hand
• Off-hand
• Go out on a limb
•  Right to bear arms
• Up his sleeves
• Right-hand man

I reserve the right to all boxing puns. After all, humor is supposed to punch up.

One-Armed Boxer (1972) is about a boxer with only one arm. It is a Hong Kong film.

It starts with a clever nod to Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

Two three people meet and talk about a bird from Thailand. Then some enemies enter. You can tell because the are dressed in lack,

Master Ma claims it is his table and the other people leave. Master Ma asks for the bird, and a fight breaks out.

A group of people notice the Hook gang making trouble.

 I love expository dialogue this early. It tells me everyone's names.

That group, led by Yu, fight the hook gang, while the patrons flee.

The fighting is decent. The post-production effects are humorously over-the-top

A) How often does this happen?
B) Isn't this bad for business?


Master Ma challenges Yu to a fight in the valley. Yu accept, but then does a flying kick at Master Ma.

From the information in the first four minutes of film, I gathered that Yu was the good guy and Master Man and the Hook gang were bad guys. Now Yu accepts an invitation to fight later but launches a surprise attack. What?

Luckily, a freeze-frame lead in to the opening credits saves Master Ma

The credits play over stills of Master Ma and Yu fighting. I count a total of four arms. I hope the one-armed isn't metaphorical.

There are over two minutes of opening credits. I guess it took a lot of people to craft the masterpiece that is One-Armed Boxer.

This movie keeps cranking out that exposition.

They fight. Blue shirts are the good guys. Black shirts are the bad Hook gang.

I don't have to point out the problems with this, do I? Nobody has one arm. Nobody is boxing.

Yu's group easily beats the Hooks. 

The Hooks are actually fighting with hooks. This movie...

Han Tui, their instructor, reprimands them. Yu's full name is Tien Lung.

So...fighting in a public bar and driving out all the patrons yielded no punishment, but fighting in a random valley did. Odd.

Han Tui reminds them that character is more important than Martial Arts. I did not know that a movie called One-Armed Boxer would be about two-armed martial artists.

Also, the Hook gang runs with drugs and women and are attempting to take over factories.

Meanwhile, the leader of the Hook gang yells at his members for disgracing his name.

Tien Pao (Master Ma) blames Yu Tien Lung for the fight and claims he threatened the leader. This is enough for the leader (Master Chao) to attempt revenge.

Master Chao leads his men into the Han Lui's training.  I just want to point out that this is not boxing.

I decided to look it up at this point. A "boxer" can also mean a type of martial artist.

I'm disappointed and at a point in life where I can say "Great, another martial-arts-revenge-disability movie."

Master Chao demands that Han Lui hands over Tien Lung.

Han Lui claims that, although they come from different schools, all schools believe in peace.

Han Lui makes a good point, but I think it is important to listen to both sides of the argument.

They fight. Other than the silly post-production sound effects, the fighting is pretty good.

Han Lui appears to beat Master Chao. Then Master Chao and his gang take out their hooks and attack the entire school. 

Now, this part confuses me. Han Lui grabs the hooks and pulls. He takes the hooks, but leaves behind hidden small daggers, called dirks. This is apparantly treachery.

Han Lui stabs Master Chao in the leg with his own hook. Chao and his gang leave, with threats of revenge.

Afterwards, a student approaches Tien Lao and informs him of the situation. Mostly the revenge thing.

Back at the Hooks' base, Master Chao spouts some stellar dialogue.

Let's analyze these three scenes more closely.

1. Chao threatens revenge directly to his enemies

2. A students informs Tien Lao that Chao threatened revenge.

3. Chao tells his gang that he wants revenge.

There's some subtle foreshadowing here that Master Chao is going to take revenge on Han Lui. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, as I already know this is a revenge film. But it's worth considering.

Master Chao wants to go to Shanghai to find a man named No, who trains elite fighters. He believes that hiring these fighters will help defeat Han Tui.

This could be more foreshadowing that Chao is planning to get revenge again Han Tui. But I don't want to assume anything.

Cut to No's school in Shanghai. A man sneezes and breaks some bricks with his head. One-Armed Boxer really was lacking in comic relief.

No trains a vast array of different martial artists from diverse countries. Including a yoga artist from India.

I wondered whether this was a racist joke, but there is a yoga martial-arts hybrid. Now I'm the racist. He stabs himself and pulls the knife out. Okay,

Taikwando Expert
.

Is there like a stereotype of taikwando experts? Or is there a stigma against taikwando in the martial arts? Who knows!

A master from Okinawa comes to No's school. 

Okay, if I had just waiting, I would have learned that boxing isn't the boxing I thought it was.

And then two Tibetan martial artists jump through the roof and fight the Master. Seems like a logical progression.

Master Chao calls for a meeting. He wants help fighting bandits that interfere with their opium trade. First they have to sabatoge Ching-te's Brick factory.

One Armed Boxer is now about one third done. We've gotten into a plot about opium trade and factory sabotage before a boxer has an arm amputated.

Hires of the Hook gang approaches the brick factory. Lien Tao asks whether they want to buy bricks, but that is like talking to a brick wall.

Fight. For all this movie's faults, the fighting is good. Except the post-production 

A hire breaks Lien-Tao's arm with his knee. Finally.

Two hires enter an underground manufacturing area. One of them kills Hsaio San. Their teacher comes out and fights a hire

The fire really adds the the aesthetic. 

The hire defeats the teacher and another mass fight ensues. There is a lot of fighting in this movie. Some people get tossed into a pit of boiling water. Then they pick up torches and fight with them. 

This may not be coming across, but One Armed Boxer is pretty ridiculous.

Tien Lung and the other students find their classmates dead and run after the Hooks. Into a barn. Which is obviously a trap. 

The hires quickly defeat the other students, but Tien Lung keeps fighting.

What kind of jokes can I make when so much of this movie is fighting?

Tien Lung forces a hire's arm into gears. That's twice I though  the titular one-armed boxer would form.

At least they try to mix up the kills. At one point, Tien Lung ties a rope around the neck of a hire. The Hook's run away.

At a funeral, Han Lui vows revenge on Master Chao. At that exact moment, Master Chao walks in with his hires, introduces them all as elite in each martial art, and offers to fight to the death. Han Lui accepts.

This means that I have to watch fight after fight. The fighting is decent and varied, but gets tiresome. Obviously, the masters defeat all of the students.

The only funny moment is when this guy cartwheels over in slow motion with dramatic music.

At one point, a hire kicks a student in the arm and the camera holds on it. Just teasing us.

Yu Tien Lung stands forwards. You know he is good because his outfit is a different shade.

Just a mid-movie reminder that this movie is called One-Armed Boxer and nobody has lost an arm jet.

Okay, I wrote that and right afterward, the master from Okinawa jumps forwards and chops Tien-Lung's arm off.

This is apparently retribution for when Tien-Lung forced the hire's arm into the gears.

The other students take Tien-Lung in to treat him. Then there is a comic relief fight.

Through rapid jump cuts, it appears that the fighter is moving more and more quickly. This is form comedic effect and not so the actor will actually have to walk on his hands.

One student fights the Tibeten with some stick, which seems against the rules. The Tibeten wins anyway.

Now, I'm no expert on dramatic tension. I can understand the handstand fight as a way to lighten the mood/ But why have this random other fight with the stick?

The master from Okawana fights and kills Han Lui. Then an all-out fight ensues. Many people die.

Tien Lung crawls along a road with one arm. I would have thought some students would keep watch over him, but what do I know? A man and a woman find him and take him in.

This is the part of the disability-revenge movie where someone takes the hero in and teaches him how to fight with his newly-acquired disability. Usually this is a montage. One-Armed Boxer saves even more time and just have some still images of them nursing Tien Lung back to health. This is less important to  the narrative than watching all those nameless people fighting.

Tien Lung and the women. Hsioa Yu, watch a waterfall. The man is her father.

Tien Lung clumsily informs Hsioa Yu and the audience that her father taught him medicine.

I really don't want to criticize One-Armed Boxer (1972) for its story structure, but why not show the father teaching him medicine instead of the cheap slideshow?

He hasn't watched enough disability revenge films.

Hsiao Yu claims that her father has an herb for cripples to take during training. Great, he got taken in by homeopaths.

Would he really use the singular? Hsiao Yu also informs Tien Lung that he has to burn his hand.

Tien Lun goes back to the father, who has been preparing the herbal medicine for 30 years.

Tien Lung got taken in by someone who has been preparing a medicine for thirty years. This medicine is specifically for, and I quote. "people like [Tien Lung] to take in training.' Is there an epidemic in Hong Kong of one-armed boxers crawling on the side of the road? And did it have to stew for 30 years? What if he had gotten there a few years earlier?

One-Armed Boxer is really straining credulity,

Also, you would think that if you find a one-armed boxer the road and you have an herbal medicine for training one-armed boxers, you would say something along the lines of:

"I have an herbal medicine for training one-armed boxers."

Tien Lung has to burn his other hand to kill the nerves, or the medicine won't work.

However, a flashback to his dismemberment gives him the strength to stick his hand in the fire and mutilate it. Okay.

The father soaks the burnt hand in salve and tells Hsiao Yu to nurse Tien Lung for a month for his circulation to return..

Now, a rational person would probably have a few questions about this method. I did some research and "deadening nerves" is a thing in martial arts. I don't think it's recommended that you stick your hand in a fire. But at least I learned something from One-Armed Boxer (1972).

I'm all for adaptive sports and believe that people with different disabilities need to train differently.

However,,,,

The scene of Tien Lung sticking his hand in the fire is fairly intense and probably the best scene of the movie. Which isn't saying much.

One month later, Tien Lung trains. "Train" is a euphemism for smashing his hand with a slab of rock.

This style of training is still more rational than CrossFit.

Hsaoi Yu questions this method and Tien Lung proves it by DESTROYING HER PAVILION.

Tien Lung somehow blames this on her but promises to rebuild it. Then he claims that if he had two arms, he could attack with one and defend with the other.

Hsaoi Yu punches him playfully, and Tien Lung falls to the floor. But he is only joking.

I'm glad this movie has some hint of a sense of humor.

Tien lung decides to go to town with Hsaoi Yu because he hasn't heard any news for six months.

My initial reaction to this was negative. But then I remembered the scene transition from Tien Lung deciding to train to Tien Lung smashing a brick. That probably took at least six months.

Tien Lung and Hsaoi Yu go to the restaurant from the beginning of the movie.

Tien Lung steps out to check the Hook Gang's Hideout. As he leaves, the Hook Gang steps into the restaurant. Then a man prevents Tien Lung from going back in.

I want to complain that this is a really clumsy way to separate Tien Lung and Hsaoi Yu. But I still can't get over that herbal medicine.

Mu Mu Tao and a hire spout some exposition at a table. The Hook gang leader left a few months ago and still hasn't paid any of the hires. 

Mu Mu Tau hits on Hsaoi Yu. Hsaoi Yu hits Mu Mu Tau.

The hook gang try to drag Hsaoi Yu away, but Tien Lung comes back at that exact moment.

Tien Lung fights the Hook gang and easily defeats them. The fighting is really good in this movie. 

Tien Lung twists Mu Mu Tau's arm behind his head and asks where his teacher is. Get it? Because Mu Mu Tau can't use his other arm, so he is a One-Armed Boxer (1972)

Mu Mu Tau reveals that the teacher is away and only Kau Chiao is at the hideout.

Tien Lung enters the hideout, where everyone is practicing Judo.

I feel like those two statements dont follow logically.

The student threatens to break Tien Lung's other arm and another fight ensues.

As good as the fighting is in this movie, I wish it was more spread-out. The scene with the two school fighting was tedious and long. Then there was a fairly long segment with no fight. And now there are three fights in a row.

All the students try to break Tien Lung's other arm, but fail. Chiao enters and Tien Lung easily defeats him.

The students try to run away, but Tien Lung stops them and tells them to send Master Shao to fight him in the quarry in three days.

The students try to run away, but Tien Lung stops them and tells them to send Master Shao to fight him in the quarry in three days.

Get it? It's like the beginning of the movie.

Those of you paying attention to the names may notice that Master Chao became Master Shao. The subtitles changed. I thought that Shao was a different character than Chao. Like, the main antagonist changes in the last 20 minutes of the movie. I even looked at a cast list for Shao, but it only has Chao. So I will call him Chao.

Yes, Chiao and Chao are different characters.

At the cave, Chao talks to the master from Okinawa about Tien Lung defeating people. The master reassures him that he will be able to beat a One-Armed Boxer (1972) easily and is waiting for two lamas to complete his backup.

Which one is it? Can you defeat him easily or do you need backup or is this a clever line to indicate hypocrisy?

Hsaoi Yu's father shows his daughter and Tien Lung a chart. Notice anything?

Man is misspelled Men. So the Chao/Shao mix-up was a subtitle error.

But the most amazing subtitle errors occurs when Hsaoi Yu's father explains how lamas are so strong.

Accidental Ableism

Lamas control their breathing to close off some of their pressure points. But there is one spot that they can't close off and is fatal.

Never say that One-Armed Boxer (1972) isn't educational.

Tien Lung enters the valley and confronts Chao. Chao sends in his men.

On a narrative level, this is weak because Tien Lung wants to take revenge on Chao and the master from Okiwana directly. Other fighters detract from that.

On an entertainment level, there's some more interesting fighting.

One of the fighters does the handstand again.

Remember when I said that the most ridiculous plot point was "I got picked up by a guy who has been brewing an herbal remedy for thirty years specifically for crippled martial artists?"

That's still true. But this comes close.

The next fighter holds two fingers out stiffly in order to pierce through Tien Lung's right sleeve.

So the message is that disability can be a strength as long as the guy you're fighting aims for the limb you don't have. 

Master Chao informs a student that the current fighter had a secret feud with the chief of Okiwana, which is why the master from Okiwana won't join the fight.

This movie is really good at giving contrived explanations as to why they are increasing dramatic tension.

Tien Lung uses the technique of holding his arm stiffly to pierce through the current fighter.

Q: What would be the least satisfying way to defeat Master Chao. Let me remind you that he is the main antagonist. Even though the master from Okiwana broke Tien Lung's arm, Master Chao is the one who orchastrated everything.

A: Master Chao's student throws dynamite at Tien Lung. Tien Lung throws it back and both the student and Master Chao die.

Pad out the movie with fighting between nameless characters, but kill the main antagonist with collateral damage.

The master from Okiwana and some hires chase after Tien Lung through the mountains. Tien Lung defeats the hires but faces off against the master. Five minutes left.

Shot-Reverse Shot for a long to time to "increase the tension".

One would think that this fight would be more intense than the others but it is just longer and they occasionally stop to growl at each other. The master does flying leaps and knocks Tien Lung to the ground a few times.

Mind showing us the fight? And get the rock out of the way?

Tien Lung gets his revenge. He chops off the Master's arm and walks away.

Oh, I get it. The Master chopped off Tien Lung's arms. To get revenge, Tien Lung chopped out the Master's arm. So it's the same thing.

The end...until the sequel.

The sequel is called Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) and is about a blind kung-fu expert getting revenge on the one-armed boxer. That's

As for One-Armed Boxer....

In terms of technical aspects, this is one of the better disability revenge films. However, the story structure is weak. so much time is devoted to establishing the rivalry between the two schools that the the titular boxer doesn't lose an arm until halfway through the movie. The confrontation between Master Chao and Tien Lung doesn't have the dramatic tension that the brilliant build-up that One-Armed Boxer establishes.

Wonder

Wonder (2017) uses the story of a boy with facial deformities attending a new school to promote judging people on their appearance and solving conflict with violence.

The motif of space runs through Wonder to support these themes.

How does space relate to these themes? Not sure yet. This movie is deep.

Wonder is divided into four chapters.

Chapter I. Auggie

It starts with Auggie as an astronaut jumping up and down on his bed. It takes a while for him to take off the helmet. This choice is definitely an homage to A Private World of Darkness (1961)

At supper, his mother (Julia Roberts) says “Earth to Auggie” This further reinforces the space motif.

His mom is trying to her thesis off of an old floppy disk.  His sister is named Via,

A flashback to his birth and people looking horrified.

Auggie is going to prep school for 5^th grade. This will be his first time in a mainstream school. He is scared about his face.

His mom reassures him that: “we all have wrinkles” and that she has wrinkles from stress about his surgeries.

Auggie goes on a tour of the school to meet students. This scene is a perfect example of this movie’s motto: “tell, don’t show.” Auggie has an internal monologue about everything in the beginning of the movie.

This is also the first time the movie hints towards its message: “Judge others by their appearance”

Auggie stares at the three kid’s shoes and Judges their character,

Charlotte, the blonde, rich, snooty girl, has expensive shoes.

Julian, the bully, has scruffy sneakers

Jack Will, his eventual friend, has neat shoes.

Mr. Browne is that cool teacher nobody actually has in real life but shows up in movies. He has precepts which hint at major themes in the book.

“Courage is what it takes to sit down and what it takes to stand up”

“Is it better to be right or be kind”

Mr. Browne has everyone tell the class two things about themselves. Which is really easy character 

building.

 Auggie says he likes Star Wars and he has a sister. His interest in Star Wars indicates that he has a fantastically idea about space which reinforces the main themes of this movie somehow.

Julian asks about face, because Julian is a bully.

Auggie (short for August) has a crush on a black girl named Summer. This is interesting because Autumn and Summer are the result of the earth revolving around the sun in space. Everything connects to space.

I scribbled down “August/Summer relationship sounds hot.” But then I remembered that these are 5^th graders.

In science, the teacher talks about Newton’s first law. Then it cuts to gym, he gets hit by dodge-ball and called hideous. The school photographer talks town to Auggie. This movie is not subtle.

Then he imagines Chewbacca showing up in school. Again, not subtle. But Chewbacca demonstrates that Auggie uses outer-space to define his attitude towards his appearance, further supporting the themes of the movie.

In science class, the teacher puts a card with the word “Now” printed on it behind a glass. She fills the glass with water and the word now flips to “Won.” It would have been more effective if the card said “Red Now” or perhaps “Red Rum.”

There’s a pop quiz. Auggie lets Jack Will copy off his paper. Then he invites Jack to his house.

Kids, let people cheat to make friends.

Auggie tells Jack that he wants to be Chewbacca for Halloween. This choice is rather ingenious of the screenwriters. Firstly, it amplifies the connection to Chewbacca from merely a reference to the embodiment of Auggie’s relationship to his disfigurement. Secondly, it reinforces the space theme.

Chapter II. Via

Each chapter goes back to the beginning of the movie for a few minutes in the perspective of another character. So we get to see Auggie going to school for the first time again. Yay?

Via signs up for an audition for the school play: Our Town. She meets obvious love interest Jackson and flirts.

Both couples in the movie, August/Summer and Via/Jackson, are mixed-race.  This was also true in Everything, Everything. These are not the best movies for representation.

Via’s friend Miranda dyed hair darker, put on make-up, and stopped contacting her. Remember, the message of Wonder is “Judge people based on their appearance.”

It’s Halloween. We go back to Auggie, dressed as Scream.

Someone dresses like him. Auggie overhears Jack Will say “I’d kill myself if I looked like him.” He also calls Auggie “ghost-face”

Via and their mom are at home. Via is happy because her mom is spending time with her. Then her mom leaves for the school because Auggie is nauseous. Damn it, Auggie.

Via tells Auggie that they both lost friends. Miranda auditions. Their Mom gets a floppy disk with her thesis.

The movie is more “random tibdits” than “coherent narrative.”

I wish that I could have written down this exact line, because it was amazing. “Our parents are like 

planets. They orbit around the son, not the daughter.” 

Via tells Jackson that she’s an only child.

Chapter III. Jack will

We go back in time to before the tour with Auggie. Again, this movie plays with chronology in a really confusing way for a family movie.

Jack Will’s mom guilt-trips him into giving Auggie a tour of the school. She calls Auggie “the one from the ice-cream shop.” 

Then the movie jumps ahead. Through an internal monologue, Jack Will tells us that he learned that 

Auggie is smart and funny, he gets used to his face, and want to be friends

Then the movie goes back to Auggie.  Summer sits next to August. This sounds so ridiculous.

Miranda gets the part but Via gets to be her understudy. Jackson makes a joke about poisoning 

Miranda before the performance. Maybe then this movie will be interesting.

Why does the movie give each section the name of a character when that character is only in the first few minutes of each section?

Via and Jackson decide to practice lines. Every time the movie starts to get boring, another amazing line occurs:

Jackson: We can start rehearsing the kissing scene on page 110

If Via has already auditioned for the part, wouldn’t she know that there is no kissing scene?

After the kiss, Via tells Jackson that she is not an only child.

Jackson comes over with a case. He tells Auggie that it’s a fiddle. Auggie jokes that he should have said it was a machine gun.

Is this really an appropriate joke in a family movie in this political climate?

Miranda calls Auggie about “Via’s boyfriend.”

Chapter IV. Miranda

I thought Miranda was a minor character, but she has her own chapter. Wonder truly is an expertly-crafted tapestry of interwoven character stories.

Miranda’s family is divorced. She spends most of her time at Via’s. She tells people at camp that she’s part of Auggie’s family. Miranda bought the astronaut helmet and views Auggie as a brother.

Okay, now the movie is connecting the theme of space with family.

That’s enough of Miranda for the section titled Miranda.

It’s Christmas and the soundtrack plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. One could argue that this supports Wonder’s theme of being kind. 

But the song is still playing at New Years.

Mr. Browne has a new precept: “Your deeds are your monuments."

Summer talks to Jack Will and mentions “ghost-face”. Jack Will has an epiphany and realizes that Auggie overheard him saying “ghost-face.”

This is the most annoying part of the movie. A kid with a facial deformity should be like the dream target of fifth-grade bullies. And out of all the possible insults, Jack Will chooses “ghost-face.”

The science teacher announces that the science fair is coming up and their tablemates will be their partners.  Jack Will and Auggie are tablemates. Julian and the other bully try to tell the teacher that they and Jack Will had already planned to work together. The teacher seems to go along with this, but Jack Will says he wants to work with Auggie.

So was the teacher going to let the three people team up and leave Auggie alone? Is this supposed to be a sacrifice? Following the rules?

Jack Will punches Julian for calling Auggie a freak. He only gets suspended for 2 days

Kids, punch people you don’t like.

Via doesn’t tell parents about the play

The dog bites the mom and has to be put down. This has no relevance to the rest of the movie.

Via invites her parents and Auggie to the play.

Jack Will and Auggie play Minecraft.  Product placement? Auggie’s avatar is an astronaut. This further supports the space motif. Also, the dialogue explores the theme of judging people based on appearance.

Auggie: Would you really kill yourself if you looked like me?

Jack Will: no, but maybe if I looked like Julian.

All three family members go to the play. Jackson guilts Miranda into not going because Via will be there with her family. Miranda tells the director that she is sick and Via has to go on instead. Then she tells Via.

MAYBE DON’T TELL HER TWO MINUTES BEFORE SHE HAS TO GO ON.

Our Town turns out to have some perfectly on-the-nose lines like:

“I'd rather have my children healthy than bright.” Really

One line is about saying goodbye to her mom

Her mom has a flashback to Via blowing out a candle on a birthday cake and wishing for brother

There’s a Little Shop of Horrors poster in background.  If this were a less intelligent movie, the poster would be Phantom of the Opera to connect the mask and deformity. But Little Shop of Horrors is about outer-space, which further reinforces the themes of Wonder.

Jack Will and Auggie win the science fair with their camera obscura. This is clever because a camera obscura distorts images through a space. And space is the main theme of Wonder.

Julian and the other bully make a volcano but that blows up in their faces. Literally.

Auggie starts getting bullied. People slip notes of Freddy Krueger to him. This is towards the end of the movie. Honestly, if the final half-hour of this movie was a slasher, that would both be believable and make Wonder the greatest movie of 2017.

Julian photoshops Auggie out of the school photograph and writes “Do everyone a favor and die” on the back.

The headmaster suspends Julian. His mother comes and says Julian has “been having nightmares” about Auggie’s face. She pulls him out of school Implying that because Julian’s parents hate Auggie, the bullying was okay. Good job being a positive message movie, Wonder.

The entire school goes into a nature preserve for a field trip. They watch the Wizard of Oz.

Jack Will and Auggie walk out of the screening. Now, I have nothing against walking out of The Wizard of Oz (link to april fools), but does the school just let these fifth-graders wander out of school trips?

They go to woods, find bullies from other schools, and get into a fight. Jack Will and Auggie win the fight. They all laugh and there are no repercussions.

Auggie’s father is that proud he won fight. Good job being a positive message movie, Wonder.

Auggie’s father reveals that he hid the astronaut helmet because he didn’t want Auggie to hide his face all the time. I couldn’t remember that the helmet went missing. There’s no real narrative thread through all of this.

It’s graduation. Auggie sits next to his family. His mom delivers the titular line:

“You really are a split, Auggie”

The headmaster announces that the school gives an award called the Henry Ward Beecher Award (Two “wards” in the same phrase is not good) to someone who makes an impact or something like that. I wasn’t really paying attention to the movie at this point.

The headmaster gives the Henry Ward Beecher Award to…Miranda!

Sorry, it was Auggie. Got that confused.

Auggie stands up, takes his award, and everyone claps. The movie ends with another voice-over monologue with Auggie claiming “Everyone deserves a standing ovation.”

No, Auggie, they don’t. You know who doesn’t deserve a standing ovation? The director of Wonder.

Wonder is a decent movie.

I can’t even end with a joke implying that the movie is actually bad. I went into the movie expecting to hate it, but I couldn’t. It’s a decent movie.

Dark Floors

Dark Floors (2008) is a Finnish horror movie about a man and his autistic daughter trapped in a hospital by monsters.

Well, he shouldn't have gotten her vaccinated.

Some Original Ideas Should Stay Just Ideas

It starts with Sarah, the autistic daughter, getting a brain scan. She starts saying "Not again" repeatedly.

I'm guessing that the twist is that this is an endless loop. The movie wants you to think that she says "not again" because she has had so many brain scans before. But she is really saying "not again" because this is the start of the endless loop

 Sarah freaks out and the electricity flickers on and off. She asks for a red crayon. Her dad runs into the room and yanks her out of the machine.

I love hospitals that don't secure the doors during brain scans. I also love it when people can walk in without removing all the metal from their bodies and not kill their daughter.


I'm guessing that the twist is that she has some sort of supernatural powers. That's why her brain scan causes the electricity to flicker. She's going to kill everyone at the prom by the end.

Sarah asks for a red crayon. Sarah's dad wheels her out of the room. She draws:

See, it's symbolic of the endless loop. I think that her asking for a red crayon is symbolic of something else. Not sure

a strange man walks past and touches her hair creepily. she drops the crayon.

"I want the red crayon

I want the red crayon"

Her dad doesn't notice the man touching his daughter.

The doctor asks whether her dad has considered taking Sara to an institution. The dad responds with probably the greatest line that will be in this movie

"I've considered taking her to another hospital."

Sarah's dad puts her to bed.

Sarah: Not again!

It's an endless cycle.

Instead of waiting for the next day, Sarah's dad takes her to the elevator. She draws with an black crayon. She asks for the red crayon.

It's an endless cycle. The red crayon is the somehow connected to breaking the cycle. Maybe she has to draw the cycle in red crayon, not black

I figured out the twist five minutes in.

Sarah's abstract representation of the title

A nurse tries to convince Sarah's dad to let her stay and try a new drug

Dad: I know what's best for my daughter.

Clearly not, as he doesn't give her a red crayon.

They get into the elevator with four other people. An old man, a token black character, and a man in a suit holding a teddy bear,. As it descends, the elevator breaks down. Of course it does.

One man named Tobias has a heart attack.The nurse tries to revive him. The man in the suit calls for help.

Tobias starts breathing and The lights come back on immediately.

I think that the twist will be that Tobias has supernatural powers.

They get off on the sixth floor. Nobody else is on the floor. The air-conditioning is off

There had better be a great reason for this to happen. I don't get why the nurse who actually works there

Sarah spies a shadow behind a door. probably the creepy man who is actually a monster.

A noise. The token black character sees a pulsing light and trail of papers leading up to a door. He opens the door and sees a copy machine with the top up.

The scariest part of this horror movie is how much that hospital wastes on electricity.

Just reflect on the fact that this horror movie used a copy machine as a scare.

The nurse picks up the papers from the floor and flips through them

They sure do look like pictures of Dark Floors (2003).

This situation is creepy, but not creepy enough for the nurse and father to continue the conversation about continuing the medication. The father apparently wasn't aware that his daughter was taking a new drug. She says that they have to test for epilepsy and that discontinuation could be fatal.

The father hears a noise and thinks that investigating it is gar more important than his daughter potentially dying.

A girl in an electric wheelchair rams into a corner repeatedly.

The nurse touches her shoulder and her head flops backwards to reveal gouged-out eyes. (Bloody picture, click to reveal)

     

Nurse: Your eyes look a little blood-shot

The father turns Sarah's head away. The nurse puts a blanket over the dead girls face.

Tobias: She who has no eyes sees everything. Makes no difference, they are at all times. Not me, they can't see me.

The black guy can't contact anyone.

Sarah draws a creepy woman.

This is an impressive number of cliches for such a short time period.

They get to a stairwell. The father picks up Sarah and they begin climbing down, leaving the wheelchair at the top.

A sudden pounding from below. The characters look down. A BANG, a flash of light, and then some bloods spurts up, splattering some people's faces. Conveniently, this made the wheelchair roll down to their level. The father sets Sarah in the wheelchair and they all escape to the fourth floor landing. Someone places a crutch under the door.

Man in Suit: What the hell was that.

Tobias: Well, there's only one hell.

Tobias suggests that this is Hell. "This" being "Watching Dark Floors (2008)"

Seriously, the hospital is probably Hell. Sarah is stuck in an eternal loop. This is so predictable.

Also, the man in the suit dropped his teddy bear. I had to go back and add this detail in because it will be important later. This plot is so intricate!

The nurse condescendingly tells the father, Ben, that a bright light or a loud noise can trigger a seizure. Yeah, Ben. Think of that the next time you bring your daughter to hospital where eye-gouging monsters emit loud noises and bright lights

A pounding at the door. Sarah takes off down the hallway. The other characters follow.  It's almost like she knows what to do because she's been there before.

Lights flicker over the crutch holding the door in place.

Everyone gets to a control room. The security guard looks at the computer monitors and declares the hospital empty. The man in a suit tries to announce whether they are over the microphone,but the security guard cuts him off.

Sarah looks back at a door.

I think that Sarah was cast based on who could look over her shoulder the most creepily. Anyway, she goes through the doors. They open without her pushing them. So now she's telekinetic  as well?

The nurse points to the TV screens at some people walking on the third floor.

Ben has lost track of Sarah. Why is he so bad at parenting? Tobias points him through the doors and Ben approach Sarah from behind. It's supposed to be reminiscent of the scene were the girl had bloody eyes, but it is obvious that Sarah is fine. She's in an endless loop, remember?

Ben saves Sarah and the group walk into the main floor. The radio and television turn on repeat the same two-second clips over and over. Everyone's cell-phone rings.


Sarah and Tobias place their hands over their ears.

At nineteen minutes into this horror movie about monsters, there are still no monsters onscreen. That's about to to change. a ghost forms behind a glass door.

Honestly...I'm disappointed.

The security guard remembers the training he did for this particular situation and shoots the glass a few times.

It doesn't break, so the ghost helpfully shrieks and shatters the glass door, the glass of the doors next to it, and the television. Ben picks up Sarah and they run away.

 Actual dialogue from Dark Floors (2003)

Ben: This is not happening

Man In Suit: What was that?

The ghost chases the characters down a hall, breaking windows and creating a ton of jobs.


Once cornered, the security guard tries to shoot the ghost. It doesn't work. Instead, the nurse accidentally bumps into a machine that turns on and emits radiation that banishes the ghost. Convenient. Also convenient that the radiation had no negative effects on them.

Everyone goes back to the room where Sarah's wheelchair is.

This entire movie is:

1. Wander around dark halls.

2. See something dangerous.

3. Pick up Sarah and run.

4. Escape.

5. Go back to wheelchair.

Meh, at least it's only an hour long.

Ben asks why Tobias covered his ears before the ghost came. And before Sarah did Tobias implies that the monsters are here because of Sarah.

Tobias: The emptiness

I think he is also in the endless loop.

The characters theorize that they are either dreaming or hallucinating.  The man in the suit walks away.

Well, he's dead. Good. I didn't know his name.

Sarah draws some more.

The man in the suit presses the button for the elevator and waits. He looks behind him. Then he enters the elevator. The floor of the elevator makes noise, as if there are monsters underneath. The man sticks his hands into the elevator doors and tries to escape.

Dark Floors goes through all the motions of a horror movie, even if none of it resonates.

That was my attempt at complimenting this movie.

The security guard and Ben run to the elevator at the sound of scream. They keep the elevator door open . A monster comes out from beneath the floor.

This probably violates the ADA
about three different ways.

The security guard tries to knock out the monster with a fire extinguisher, but hits the man instead. He tries again and gets the monster. How did he get the job?

Tobias holds a gun up to his head, claiming he has done this a hundred times.

So they aren't even trying to keep the endless loop a twist.

Sarah: Tobias, I promise you will see.

Dark Floors is half a generic horror film and half obvious clues to a twist.

Ben and the security guard rescue the man in the suit, but the monster wake up and slashes his leg as they they escape.

Ben looks at Sarah's drawing of the elevator and asks whether she has seen it before. Sarah wants the red crayon.

Give your daughter the red crayon.

Seriously, give your daughter the damn red crayon!

The nurse patches up the man in the suit's leg. Ben points out that they are probably not in a mass psychosis.

They leave. The nurse tries an intercom and gets a response! Sarah does her stare and the intercom shuts off.

I'm assuming Sarah has some sort of telekinesis. She made the doors open, remember? and therefore she made the intercom shut off. Why? Maybe in a previous loop, answering the intercom had bad consequences. Or Maybe she is bitter about the red crayon.

They go down another floor.

Another Dark Floor.

Randall, the security guard, finds a blocked exit. he picks up a chair and smashes the exit open. Oops, it's  a brick wall. That scene was useful.

Sarah stares creepily at a water jug and the water moves around

Floor 3. This movie is like watching someone else play a video game. They even label the levels!

A hallway of corpses. The nurse recognizes on of them as "Walter," Tobias picks up a recording device and presses a play button

"The only sensible solution is to give up the girl, give up the girl, give up the girl, give up the girl"

Tobias says it is up to Ben to decide what to do.Now, why does "the girl" necessarily refer to Sarah? The movie is almost hallway over and I'm really losing faith in any explanation

Whatever, a random monster breaks of a door. They run away through another door and block it with a vending machine. The monster breaks through the door.

Ghosts or monsters? I need some
consistency in my B-movies.

Randall tries to shoot the monster, but it just kills him.

Oh my god, this movie came out in 2003 and the black guy still died first.

Randal and the monster just disappear after this.

Ben, Sarah, the nurse, and the man in a suit stare out the window at the city. Some sort of odd light is in the sky.

Sarah knows what is happening, and she probably would tell them if she had her red crayon.

The nurse gets another call from the intercom. Turns out that the call is the same as the call she made earlier. So the nurse called herself in the future.

I'm glad this endless loop thing isn't being hidden.

The nurse figures that this is just a parallel dimension and not something unrealistic like time travel.

The man in the suit points out that all the clocks and watches have stopped. It would be funny if, at the end, they discover that there isn't some metaphysical reason behind this. All the clocks and watches just ran out of battery at the exact same time.

Ben and the nurse go for a walk. The nurse tells Ben that Sarah knows something and is probably the reason for everything.

Ben deflects and tells the nurse to check out a random corpse. This corpse has a gun, so Ben takes it. Guns have worked so well in the past.

The man in the suit asks Sarah what she is drawing. Sarah shoots him a death glare.

Ben goes back to the fake exit/brick wall and attempts to break through it with a hammer. We learn that nurse has a four year-old son.  Dark Floors (2003) is actually attempting character development.

A noise from above. Ben shoots upwards. Because of course. A teddy bear falls to the ground.

This is the payoff for dropping the teddy bear.

I had to look this up. The man carrying the teddy bear was from an earlier time loop. Ben shot upwards, his bullet went through time, and he hit the man. Makes sense.

At this point, everyone has figured out that the monsters want Sarah. Johnson figures that he might as well just sacrifice her and get the rest of them out safely. He wheels Sarah to the middle of a hallway and calls out for the monsters to take her. Tobias tries to interfere, but Johnson punches him

Ben and the nurse approach two skeletons...hugging?

At some point, Ben and Tobias set up a two-way radio system. Don't know when, don't know how.

Johnson kills Tobias. Sarah is bored

Ben and the nurse rush in. Johnson grabs the wheelchair to push, but Sarah moves the wheelchair... with her mind. 

You know what, fine. This movie can do anything it wants and I won't complain.

And then a giant sand monster walks past Sarah and attacks Johnson.

Best-lit frame I could find.

 I think that Sarah has some control over the monsters.

The monsters jam a hand inside Johnson, grabs an organ, and pulls it out. The gore is decent.

The most positive thing I have said about this movie so far is that one gore effect was decent.

Ben kills the monster with a gurney. Sarah draws some more. Ben dismisses his autistic child's artwork. Be a better parent, Ben!

Ben, the nurse, and Sarah go to Tobias's corpse. The nurse remarks that it looks as if Tobias has been
dead for a week. Time loop and everything. They grab the other end of the two-way radio.

They can't get down the stairs because it's a dead-end.

ADA violation?

Ben asks Sarah if she can draw the way out of the hospital. Without her red crayon. The nurse finds a way through the second floor.

Ben and the nurse look for supplies and Sarah vanishes. I really dislike Sarah. She ruins everything.

Ben and the Nurse decide to split up to look for Sarah, because that always goes well. Each take a two-way radio

The nurse ducks under a table to hide from a monster. She kills it with defibrillator.

Hospital-based horror films should
always have a defibrillator kill.

Ben rushes through a door to the emergency and enters a dreamlike hospital filled with people. He tries to touch some, but his hand goes right through them.

The radio buzzes. Ben tells the nurse that he is in front of room 235. The nurse says she is also in front of room 235.

So Ben is in some ethereal dimension version of the hospital, while the nurse is in the monster-ridden version of the hospital. The pathway between them is an emergency room door.

This is why health-care costs are so out-of-control.

I've been (relatively) lenient on this movie so far. I have to make a small complaint. How do radio waves cross dimensions? The screenwriter never thought of that, did they?

Ben leaves the ethereal hospital through the emergency room door and finds Sarah in front of the elevator. He approaches her from behind. Where have I seen this before?

The sand monster suddenly appears and attacks Ben.

These monsters are clearly protecting Sarah, From Ben? And what was with the girl with the gouged-out eyes? Was she a younger version of Sarah? Why couldn't I just watch an hour of people fighting monsters in a hospital?

Q: What is the worst way to  resolve this?

A: No idea, but in the movie, Tobias comes up and stabs the monster.

Tobias is still alive. Somehow. He kills the monster

Ben talks to Sarah. Sarah tells him

"It has to stop."

Ben replies not to worry, as there's only about ten minutes before the movie ends.

The elevator opens, A skeletal monster runs towards them. Sarah, Ben and the nurse run into the elevator. The doors close.

Ben tries to get them to floor one, but the elevator skips onto the morgue.

God damn it, this is why hospitals need regular elevator inspctions,

They get off and walk through the morgue. Room for one more, honey.

The ghost that they supposedly killed towards the beginning of the movie jumps up and slashes the nurse's leg. Or maybe it's a different ghost but crew didn't make another design.

Now the nurse and Sarah both need to use the wheelchair.

Excuse me, that is against hospital policy.


Suddenly the clock starts ticking and the corpses around them come to life. Of course. I should have seen that coming. The nurse, Ben, and Sarah escape into another room. Then the zombies enter that room, so Ben and Sarah run out into the garage. The nurse tries to, but her wheelchair gets stuck.

Hospitals, make your morgues accessible. Do you want this to happen?

The doors slam shut and monsters kill the nurse. Then dark...shadow breaks the windows.

Ben and Sarah hop into a truck with keys in it and drive. The car crashes

Sarah: It's here. It's here. Again. Again

The darkness approaches and the truck starts again. At this point, there is an escape scene in a car against darkness.

Suddenly, a monster forms in front of the car. This isn't just any generic monster. This is the big, main, generic monster.

Ben drives to the end of the garage and looks back. The monster is gone.

Sarah: What's happens will happen. etc.

They are really playing up the creepy child aspect. Ben brings Sarah out of the car and sits her on the ground

Sarah: Bedabye baby, sleep tight, don't let those bedbugs bite. I love you. Goodnight.

Turns out the monster is still there. Ben gets back in the car and tries to run it over, but at the last minute, it turns into the ghost of Sarah.

I lied when I said that this movie couldn't surprise me anymore.

So did Ben let Sarah die in the test at the beginning and her spirit is haunting him

Ben steps into the darkness and it starts to swallow him up.

Sarah: Sure you don't want to hold on for another second, baby?

This is a line that Ben said at the beginning of the movie when Sarah was in the machine.

The generic monster tries to hug Sarah, but Sarah says she wants to go home because she "cant live in darkness"

She was living in darkness through most the movie.

Cut back to the hospital. and Sarah  waking up in the machine. Of course.

The beginning of the movie plays out again, except this time, Sarah uses a blue crayon.

The entire red crayon thing led up to her using a blue crayon.

Seriously, give your daughter a damn red crayon!

When the man talks to her and we hear what he says this time.

"Sarah, I don't feel cold anymore." 

So....there were a few more twists than I expected. Sarah is clearly angry that her dad put her through all those tests. I guess she created the monsters to protect herself from her dad. The main monster was her...depression? She thought she had to kill her depression, but instead she had let the depression swallow up her dad. But the depression also led to death, although she made a deal at end that represents...

Dark Floors (2008) had a couple good gore shots, so the movie is good.

I learned later that all the monsters were members of the Finnish band Lordi. This is some misguided promotional movie.

This is one of the few movie I consider so bad it's good. I think it's because it combines so many conflicting elements. It is simultaneously a bad horror film and an art-house film. The script is terrible, but the actors do a great job delivering the lines.

In conclusion, give your daughter the red crayon.