Crimson Bat 3- Watch Out, Crimson Bat!

On to the conclusion of Crimson Bat trilogy. Unless there are more Crimson Bat movies.

Crimson Bat 2- Trapped, the Crimson Bat, ended Oichi defeating Bunzo and Oen. There was no establishing where Oichi went after that

This is the exact same title screen as Crimson Bat 2, except for the number.

This is new for the series- a gun. And no rainstorm. He shoots a man on horseback. The horse gallops with him dragging  on the ground. Oichi slashes the stirrups/and manages to free him. I hate it when characters become overpowered as the series goes on. I mean, Oichi turns around as the horse gallops towards her, grabs her sword, and slashes the stirrup, missing the man and the horse. This movie is goingto ruin the franchise.

The man gives Oichi a McGuffin, I mean a scroll. he tells her to take it to Nassogahara. Four men in wide brim hats surround her. Wide brim hats meant evil in the first movie, but Oichi wore one in the second movie. Now they are evil again. This series is ruining the continuity of hat-based morality.

Didn't do the catchphrase.

It's funny because she's blind

Oichi stops to wash a cloth in a river and someone tries to take the scroll with a stick.

There are two children trying to take the scroll, Hanshi and a girl, presumably his sister. when Oichi confronts them, they say they were trying to steal something to eat. Because they are orphans.

Can't have a Crimson Bat movie without orphans.

The children say they haven't eaten since yesterday and their parents died in "the" explosion. They had to make gunpowder.

They aren't siblings actually. The girl is 15 and Hanshi is 17.. They have been on the road for about a year.

The girl said after Hanshi's father died in the accident, his mother committed suicide and Hanshi "went all to pieces."

Her name is Omyjo

They said they are from Nassagohara and are headed that way now. Convenient.

That was about six minutes of pure exposition. This is what happens when a series goes on for too long. The writers get fatigued.

They are crossing a bridge and Hanshi says Oichi is lucky they are with her because blind people can't cross bridges by themselves.

Guy with an evil hat comes up from behind them. Omyjo says it's just some priest. Another comes from the other side.

Oichi kills them and they fall into the water. She says "This is getting to be quite an interesting trip"

The boy just says "Lets hurry," No reaction to the blind woman slashing two people and watching them fall into the river. Some other evil people in hats follow them.

I'd complain about the movie indicating the evil people with hats , but it's not like this series has ever been subtle with the villains.

They go to some hut on the mountain to get away from the rainstorm. Oichi sees a man in the hut.

That lightning reveal

The man takes out his sword and slashes a tarantula.  The lighting is awful. He is a samurai and he saw Oichi fight on the bridge. You can tell that he is good because he isn't wearing a hat. I know it's supposed to to build atmosphere, but when you have the picture quality of the Crimson Bat series, you don't have much leeway with lighting.

 For example, this scene is supposed to be suspenseful. At night, Oichi and the man are asleep. Henshi wakes up and tries to grab a candle, but falls asleep. When he wakes up, Oichi and the samurai are gone. I had to go back and rewatch that three times to figure it out because the lighting was so poor. When they wake up in the morning, it is a dark as it was at night



Oichi is standing by a field with the samurai. Of all people, I would think Ochi would know not to leave two orphans alone. Just saying.

The samurai asks for a match, but Oichi thinks he is joking. Then he asks where Oichi learned to swordfight, and she tells him to watch Crimson Bat 1:Crimson Bat- The Blind Swordwoman.

I mean, she says a samurai taught her for self-defense. This samurai doubts that it was for self-defense because she has killed so many.

They duel. This is the first duel since Crimson Bat 1: Crimson Bat- The Blind Swordswoman. They exchange names: his is Ganosoka. Hers is Oichi.

Gonosoka throws his hat:

What is it with hats in the movie? Do they indicate morality?

They fight for a while. Honestly, the fighting gets better with each movie. You see everything clearly, and  the music is great.

Gonosaka starts aiming for the bag with scroll. When Oichi drops it, evil hat people come, so Gonosoka says "We'll leave it", and runs away.

Oichi finds her bag, sans scroll, and tells the audience that Gonsaka has it.

Gonosaka opens the scroll while the evil hat people approach. Good. I was worried that the scroll was just a cheap McGuffin that wouldn't have significance until the end. I hope this third entry brings some more convoluted Crimson Bat plot.


After Gonosaka opens the scroll, we see that it is blank.

Just kidding, the plot isn't that bad. The scroll is a formula for some explosives. You know, like the ones that killed the orphans' parents,

People walk down the mountain while singing. Including Oichi. Why did the Crimson Bat turn into a musical? This series has really gone downhill. Literally The singing isn't dubbed, nor are there Dutch subtitles.

There is no transition either. The last we saw Oichi, she realized that Gonosaka stole the scroll. Now she is walking down the mountain with everyone else. What happened in between? This is the sort of thing that would have been explained if it were in the first two movies.

Hanshei and Omygo are at a festival. Oichi is in a tent thanking a man for rescuing her. Then we see a woman in the back complaining about "the fuss [the boss]'s making over that blind woman"

I would say she is the obvious villain, but she isn't wearing a hat.

A gang leader comes in and finds them drinking. He says she is a knife-thrower, and that if she keeps drinking, she will kill half the audience. That's actually funny. And better than the blind knife-thrower from Blind Woman's Curse.


Also, she has to pay off her gambling debt. Oh come on, the third movie is skipping over the best part of any Crimson Bat movie. Not to mention stealing a plot point from Crimson Bat 2: Trapped, the Crimson Bat.

The gang leader says Oichi is a "good-looker". Ha ha. The gang leader says that they raised protection money from 20% to 30%. The boss says he can't pay that much. Gang members attack and Oichi responds rationally by throwing hats on all of them.

Remember the hat-based morality in this movie? Oichi can't kill people without hats, because they are intrinsically good. so she puts hats on them and then it is okay to kill them. Then Oichi causes a net to fall on them. A net that was conveniently over her.. Oichi beats them up. and they leave.

Everyone laughs. I wouldn't laugh about beating up a gang boss that has control over your area.

Someone comes in and says the knife-throwing target has left. Don't drink and knife, kids.

Oichi volunteers. The boss says no, because she is blind. That's ableist.

So a drunk knife-thrower is going to have a blind target. Probably better than a blind knife-thrower and a drunk target. Oh wait, that was half of Blind Woman's Curse.

Oichi asks Hotani (the knife-thrower) if she can stop her knife with her fan. What? I actually had to go back a few times to make sure I hear right. Hotani says sure, but she won't make allowance because she is blind. That's not ableist.

The boss announces that the show is special for three reasons: Oichi is blind, has never performed this act before, and she will try to stop the daggers with a paper fan. I find it hard to believe that the boss would be okay with the fan thing.

Hanshei and Omyjo are in the audience and ask why Oichi would volunteer. I wonder how they got back from the hut. This sort of thing would never have been overlooked back in Crimson Bat 1: Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman, when the series had integrity

Hotani throws the knives at Oichi. She does not look intoxicated. Oichi deflects all of the knives.

The gang leader gives Hotani a letter and tells her that, if she "carries out the plan", he will forgive her gambling debt. Gambling Debt: Instant Character Motivation, No Effort Required

Hotani delivers the letter to Oichi, but Oichi obviously can't read it and asks Hotani to read it for her. It says

"We are holding Hanshi and Omyjo captive. Late tonight, come to the shrine by the waterfall. And bring the scroll with you. Do not fail. if you don't come, we shall kill the boy and the girl"

They really should have translated the letter into Braille. Keep that in mind the next time you have to send a ransom not to a blind woman.

Oichi goes to the shrine by the waterfall. The lighting is awful. Even when the scenes were dark in the first two movies, you could see what was going on

Hanshei and Omyjo are tied to a tree. Oichi asks whether they wIll free the children after she gives them the scroll, and the gang boss replies "A samurai doesn't lie."

Oichi says "I'm afraid blind people are rather suspicious." Whatever happened to blind faith? Also, this is very similar to the situation with Okyo in Crimson Bat 2: Trapped, The Crimson Bat.

Wait, I thought Gonosoka took the scroll.

The men release Hanshi and Omyjo. Oichi tosses the scroll over to one of them he unrolls it and reads the script from one of the actors. This is why I shouldn't point out plot holes until after  I watch for the justification.

It's more dangerous than explosives; the script for Crimson Bat 4

The men attack and Oichi fights them. Since it's dark, Oichi kind of has the advantage. Because she's used to fighting without seeing, but the men aren't.

The men regain the advantage when they throw torches at her feet. I'd complain, but it is less silly than the snakes from Crimson Bat 2: Trapped, the Crimson Bat.

An important samarui comes out from the trees. At first I thought it was Gonosaka, but no scar. He was waiting for a dramatically convenient opening. He joins the fight. Oichi is doing well, until we see these shots of feet stepping on mud.

At first I thought that this was to indicate that she couldn't hear the footsteps, but that seems too subtle. Instead, it "foreshadows" Oichi slipping and falling down the cliff into the river. Does five seconds before the event qualify as foreshadowing?

Gonosoka picks up Oichi's sheath and sword and carries her away, but the scroll falls out into the river. When he lays her down at a hut, he searches his pockets for the scroll and can't find it.
Oichi asks whether Gonosoka found a scroll when they fought at the palace. Gonosoka says "sorry," which is a very non-answer answer.

Gonosoka asks how much Oichi expects to collect for the scroll. Oichi accuses samurai of living in their own world and thinking that only they have a sense of honor. Stop trying to be philosophical, Crimson Bat 3: Watch out, Crimson Bat!

Gonosoka claims that he was trying to take the scroll back the owner, Marobosi, but he dropped it in a river.

Oichi asks who Gonosoka is and he gives some exposition. He was a gunnery student under Marobosi. The man from whom Oichi took the scroll at the beginning was another student.  Gonosoka killed a man and they expelled him. He drifted around and started drinking and killing people in swordfights. Don't drink and slice, kids.

Flashback to a battle. Then he met Kazume, from whom Oichi took the scroll. Gonosoka tried to join up with him, but couldn't get back to her old life.

Oichi says she often goes back to people to try and return to her old life before the sword, but found they are gone. I must have missed those scenes in this series.

The gang members try to find Oichi. The boss tells them not to mention the scroll. In exchange, he will give them a better position.

Two gang members argue about who will find Oichi. They fight and one of them falls into the river. Does Crimson Bat 3: Watch out, Crimson Bat! really need slapstick?

I think these guys are supposed to be comic relief. Why? They find a hut and look through the window. Oichi is taking bath and her clothes with the scroll are by the side.

The two comic relief characters talk loudly. Oichi throws a needle and cloth at them and they run away. Good. The comic relief was getting the way of the humor.

 The scroll continues downstream. Omyjo and Hanshi walk along the river trying to get the find the scroll. It washes onto the beach and a group of children find it.

Hanshi grabs the scroll and the children chase them. Remember when this series had swordfighting and bullwhips? Now it is just children playing tag with a Macguffin

The gang wanders by because this series is all about people finding other people at exactly the right time. One of the gang members snatches the scroll, but Gonosoka  comes out of nowhere because this series is all about people finding other people at exactly the right time. He fights and defeats the gang

Gonosoka asks the children what they thing the scroll is. Hanshei replies that he has no idea because he can't read.

Gonosoka reunites Oichi with Hanshei and Omijo

Cut to the mines, where the gang is testing the explosives. Two gang members spout some painfully explicit exposition. They have been testing explosive that they have manufactured themselves, but they aren't as effective as the foreign explosive. I'm guessing that the scroll had the instructions for a more effective explosive. Their leader is a thirteen year old boy, but only in name. The real leader is this guy

Also, it's a clan, not a gang. sorry. Thanks for the convenient exposition.

The miners are carrying out some bloody bodies, understandably upset about the whole explosives thing. They decide to "do something about it". This means vaguely trying to get past guards into the temple.

A women and her father are talking. Her father says Kazume should be back. Kazume was the man on the horse at the beginning of the movie. He was an artillery expert and went to go get a formula for an explosive.

The woman tells us that Mantenasho is the villian. He has been forcing people to work in the mines. A lot of them have been killed in "accidents" We know this already. The woman also talks about Gonosoka. The man is the teacher, Marobosi, who refuses to teach Gonosoka, because he is a killer.

Omyjo asks Hanshei about the Gonosoka, and whether he is married. Hanshei thinks Omyjo has "fallen" for Gonosoka, but Omyjo is obviously talking about Oichi. We need a romance subplot too?

Oichi has turned evil in the time we have have been away. She is now wearing a hat. Hanshei says that Oichi and Gonosoka look like newlyweds. Clearly, he has not seen Crimson Bat 2; Trapped, the Crimson Bat.

As Oichi and Gonosaka pass, an evil person come out.  We know he is evil because he has a hat on

Oichi and Gonosaka part ways with Omyjo and Henshi as they approach Dionangi Temple. Oichi says they might meet again, as there is half an hour left. The music tells me this is sad.

The evil clan checks in with the leaders. They say that Marobosi sent a pupil to get the scroll with the instructions foe explosives. This clan needs that information. So they intercepted Kazume at the beginning on the horse and now are trying to get the scroll. Thanks for the Crimson Bat 3:Watch out, Crimson Bat! Cliffnotes

Did I make a Cliffnotes joke in the second movie review?

Matanashi goes to Marobosi and asks for help developing a new explosive. Marobosi goes on a speech about how he won't keep developing explosives if they are going to test them on innocent workers and sell to warlords. Neither are wearing hats, so I'm not sure who is morally correct.

Oichi and Gonosaka enter the temple. Gonosaka embraces a woman named Katai. He tells her that Kazume was killed on horseback at the beginning of the film, but Oichi got it. How much of this movie is people summarizing the plot to other people?

Oichi leaves. I can't really care about the romance in Crimson Bat 3: Watch Out, Crimson Bat! Movie over, right?

Wrong, 55:14

Ganasako and Katai go to Marabosi's house to give him the scroll, but find it deserted. half an hour left. Katai questions whether Mantenoshi has taken him. Ganosoka asks who Matanashi is and I guess that was a cue, because he blows out a candle and people ambush them.
\

There is a swordfight in a dark room. Because he blew out a candle. I understand that it builds atmosphere, but you don't really have the luxury of altering the light in a series with picture quality as poor as the Crimson Bat movies.

Oichi walks through a graveyard, carrying her hat as a shield. Not sure how this fits into the hat moral theory.

Someone says "We meet again" And Oichi says he is not a samurai. Okay, I'm really confused. I thought he was Ganosaka, but obviously not. It's the samurai who fought at the cliff. I wish I had a name. But it doesn't matter,  because Oichi kills him.

Just a side note- people should stop attacking Oichi at night. It only disadvantages them.

Oichi is at a bar drinking tea and listening to people sexually harassing people. This is 1969,when sexual harassment was comedy gold. They say blind woman are terrific in bed. Oichi would reply "That's because we can't see your faces" if she had a better script, but instead she brushes it off.

Someone else comes to Oichi's defense. Do we really need a man coming to Oichi's defense? How could a series with a first film titled Crimson Bat 1: Crimson Bat, The Blind Swordswoman fallen so far as to include patriarchal tropes?

So, bar fight. except this is slightly more deadly. The man who fought for Oichi wins and asks for sex. Classy.

Oichi asks who he is and he replies  "As you can see...well I guess you can't see..." Classy

He is an out of work Samarui named Sakkon Sishido. He asks where Oichi learned swordfighting. She asks how he knew, and he replies that he could see how she kept touching her cane in response to aggression.

Oh, and he sexually harrasses her. As in, threatening to duel if she won't have sex with him. Sishido raises his sword, but Ganosoka enters the bar to rescue her. What?

Their swordfight is incredibly slow compared to the others. At least you can see what's going on. Ganosoka trips on a  vase. The samurai who was able to fight equally with Oichi is so unaware of his surroundings in a well-lit bar that he trips over a vase.

Speaking of well-lit, Oichi slashes the string holding the lamp up and causes it to shatter. That's pretty clever. It is minimized somewhat because we have seen Oichi fail to fight against others in the dark in this movie, but still. Good Job. You are going to pay the bartender to replace the light though, right?

Instead of showing the fight, the movie just cuts to Oichi and Gonosaka talking. Based on the other fight scenes in the dark in this movie. we aren't missing much, but still. A little logical progression of events would be appreciated

Gonosaka says that he just came their to see the teacher. Who is now gone. But Oichi says the only thing that matters is to be happy. He asks what Oichi will do, and she says just wait.

Gonosaka says he will have to get into the explosive factory. Oichi tells him he could die. I mean, infiltrating an explosives factory under control of your enemies is inherently dangerous.

Oichi says that Gonosaka doesn't have a reason to die for Marobosi because he was expelled. Oichi says "You do care!" as if this is supposed to be a  huge character development moment.

I just figured it out. The first two movies worked because they took themselves seriously, even though they are B-movies. This movie tries to take itself way, way  too seriously. so the self-awareness is gone. Seriously, stop with the morality lessons, Crimson Bat 3: Watch Out Crimson Bat!

Gonosaka leaves for the factory. The gang go towards the mines with the workers. Hanshi is one of the workers. Not going to show how he got captured? Omyjo and Ketoi talk about . Ketoi came here after her grandfather was kidnapped

Manteshoi's men come in to Ketoi's house and she gives Omyjo the scroll to hide.

Ganosaka has a head covering as he enters the factory, pretending to be a worker. One of Mantenshobi's men stop and ask him about the scar. He says it was a sickle cut. They keep moving. Dramatic tension released.

Gonosaka grabs one of Maneshoba's men and asks where Marobosi is. He basically just grabs him from behind and asks. The security isn't that great. He tells him that he is in a shed.

When Gonosaka finds the shed, it is locked and Sakkon Sishido comes out.

One of Manteshoi's men torture Gonosaka until Ketoi tells them where the scroll is. Meanwhile Hanshei sneaks around, steals a horse, and runs away. Why doesn't this mine have security?

Get it? It's like the first shot of the movie.

Oichi decides to leave, but Hanshei stumbles in telling her that the movie isn't over yet. Manteshabi's men enter and attack Oichi. She fights. Again, the set is dark and it's hard to see.

Oichi fights, but one of the men gets her down and raises his sword. Not going to lie, I thought that Oichi might die and the trilogy would end. But she doesn't.

Remember the red paint? The final movie gets fancy

I don't think blood works like that.

Oichi kills the men, and Hanshi dies. Oichi rides a horse to the mine

Ketoi and Gonosaka are tied to pyres and a fuse is going towardssome explosives. Monteshabi promises to extinguish the fuse if Maosobi talks

Obviously Oichi comes in at the right times and frees everyone but;

And the Crimson Bat dies. The end.

Just kidding, Sakkon Sishido betrays Monteshabi, and slices the gun out of his hand.

More fighting. But it is a good fight, because it is light. Oichi fights Monteshabi and a henchmen at the same time, Masobi fights a bunch of people, and house falls down. For all this movies faults, this fight scene is the best in the trilogy. I legitimetly thought Oichi could die, because it is the final movie. But she doesn't, and they win.

The miners are run at the mine, and the two samurai yell at Oichi to duck and they blow up the mine

This is why you don't let miners unionize.

The two samarai, Masobi, and Oichi celebrate. Oichi says the only thing that matters is that they  are alive.

Sakkon Sishido rides on a horse as Oichi walks away. He offers to fight with her. She gives a generic speech about how she fights alone, and Sakkon Sishido says he will see her in Crimson Bat 4; Subtitle.

And that concludes the Crimson Bat: The Blind Swordswoman film series, truly one of the greatest cinematic trilogies of all time.

UPDATE: I had written this a while ago. Since then, I have discovered Crimson Bat 4: Wanted, Dead or Alive.

Accion Mutante

I lied. I'm not doing four horror movies this month.

This is my second time trying to watch this movie. The first time, I made it approximately 5 seconds in before deciding I wasn't in the mood. But I have to watch it. Just look at the cover.

It's like it was made for this blog.

Accion Mutante is a...movie. I think. It was released in 1993 in Spain.

It starts with screaming, no doubt what I will want to do soon.

These five guys are restraining and a gagging a prisoner. They have had him for have an hour. They say that the ransom won't be worth the effort it takes to transport him.

There's lot of subtle Christian imagery

A newsreporter claims that Matias Pons, president of the bodybuilding club, was killed. They believe it to be the work of the terrorist group Mutant Action.

If this movie has nothing to doo with disability, i'm still good with that one image.

After the credits, which were....lively, the news report continues. Nice of them to pause for us.

The news reporters says that a group of invalids are targetting people like bodybuilders and institutions for public health. We see a shoot-out at some workout.

So, this is just a regular Zumba session, right?

I've made jokes in the past about analyzing the deep social commentary in these movie before. I never thought there would actually be social commentary worthy of analysis in a self-describde shlock film.

The reporter tells us the cast list:

Alex and Juan Abadie- Siamese twins

Cesar Ravestein , alias Quimicefa- 5 kilos of explosives in chest implant

Jose Teleria- alias Manitas. mechanix. Uses cruthes.

Amancio Gonzales (Alias MA) Deaf-mute, one of world's lowest IQs but extraordinary strength

Jose Montera,  Hunchbacked dwarf, Jew, mason, communist and presumed homosexual.

Ramon Yarritu- leader. who was jailed and recently released after 5 years

I can't complain about narrative laziness in this kind of film, can I?


Cut to a new newsreporter. Is this whole movie going to be a series of news programs? She tells us that the Orujo famiy will have wedding for their daughter, Patricia, the only heiress.

Nice of the TV show to line up the two relevant stories for the plot.

Cut the headquarters and a hand takes down some random newspaper items.

Yarritu, the leader, is told to "hit the fucking road." He leaves a prison (so  not their headquarters)  and approaches truck. The gang drives away and lament that it took so long to bust Yarritu out of jail.

The police enter a bar with riots and the van drives past them. Will that be relevant? Or has it been too long without an act of violence?

Yarritu pulls a lever to let them into the headquarters. The framing is strange- it shows the camera footage. So can anyone just pull the lever and get in or is it some sort of facial recognition access? I hope the security is better than the lever, because they drove a very conspicuous fan to get there.

This isn't worth that level of thought,

Yarritu claims that the computer is not functioning well.

Yarritu asks about some essentials. Namely, his tuxedo, the guns, and the cake

Wait, what?

They leave in five minutes and need a perfect cake. Given the inclusive theme of the group, I hope it is gluten-free.

Yarrutu tells Manitas to "Feed the cat", which is some sort of creature trapped in a cellar that is certainly not going to be relevant later

They ask whether yarritu was angry. The whole "being in prison for five years" might have something to do with it. Also, they apparently failed in some attack and need to restructure.

There are some wacky hijinks involving pipe fluid. An alarm goes off and it ends like this:

Some social context, which I had to look up. This movie came out in 1993. At the time, the Social Integration of Disabled People Act of 1981 was the latest piece of disability legisltion. It didn't address employment directly, but laid the groundwork for future legislation. In 1993, the Spanish Council of Representatives of People with Disabilities (CERMI) was formed and played an active role in including a section on people with disabilities in the 1998 National Action Plans for Employment. (Verdugo et al. 2001)

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm about 99% sure that labor laws don't apply to illegal terrorist organizations. Still, they are useful for any organization.

Yarritu goes over the plan. he lays out a map and says they will go by truck around the two guards. They say that the place ordered a cake, and the real cake truck will come fifteen minutes after they enter with the decoy cake.

Alex say that they can open up a hole in the door to make it go faster. Yarritu accuses him of not thinking out his plans and thats why so many of them went wrong. Including letting a plastic surgeon jump out of a speeding car and detonating some explosives at a fashion show after everyone had left the area.


Yarritu says he will make the group great again and asks the "three questions"

Why is this group different from all other groups?

Sorry,

Where were you when we met?
(Answers vary)

Who Made you what you are?
(You, Ramon)

And what are you now?
(mutants, mutants, mutants)


Yarritu says they will move past attacking representations of health and beutiful and on to "bigger stuff."

Cut to a wedding. I think..

It's for the Orujo family. Who were on the news. Get it? Thats why they had to make the wedding cake. Man, I sure hope the guards won't question the cake being delivered fifteen minutes early in an unmarked van by terrorists who are constantly on the news.

They don't even have disguises. The guards are robotics, I think. What? The guards will only let two of them in, so the conjoined twins enter with the cake.

The three other members try to bribe their way in, but thata doesnt work, so M.A. shoots them.

Er, kind of of ruining the "inconspicious" plan.

there is someone inside the cake. If you had the people who were on the news inside the cake and unknown people ouside the cake, maybe this plan would make sense.

At the party, the discuss their plan behind the cake in a classic comedy routine. The joke is that nobody knows what the plan is and keep asking questions.

Chepa is inside the cake, They argue about who will cut the cake, who will play the music Aire's de Fiesta and who will cut the lights. It's, uh, sure to be a hit comedy sketch.

Inside the cake, Chepa is singing a relevant song

Patricia and her groom are attempting to cut the cake.

Don't drink and slice, kids.

(Hey, I get to reuse jokes)

So, there must have been a part of the planning process where they realized that the scheme hinged on someone slicing open the cake without slicing into Chepa, correct? And Chepa takes up most of the space inside the cake. Look at the knife:

The bride screas, Cheps pops out of the cake and starts shooting

It's funny because they are at a wedding

Chepa manages to kill off most of the people at the wedding, but dies in the process. Oh well, You can't have your cake and eat it too.

SOMEHOW, the bride didn't get killed in this massacre. I guess she was too important to the plot.
The other cake deliverymen come in right on time: Irony o'Clock.

I have a complaint.  These cake deliverymen are from a company called Tastellero. Obviously, the robot guards woud have very specific instruction as to whom to let it. So why didn't the people in charge of security at the wedding program the robots to recognize Tastellero?

For that matter, you own a massive bakery chain called Orujo's, but you order a cake from a competitor for your own daughter's wedding?

Whatever, Yarrutu shoots the Tastellero deliverymen. He will later give a Tastellero a negative review on Yelp.

The police make a half-hearted to come in after the massacre.

The groom and Patricia's father watch a pre-recorded ransom video of Yarruti. He says he will be moving across outer space with his dauhter when he watches the tape. He wants 100 million Ecus in an an anti-fusion case two days after he gets the tape.

WAIT, WHAT?

The robot guards clued me in that this wasn't taking place in 1993.But I thought the outer-space thing was a metaphor or something. So now this is scienece-fiction. Okay.

The cargo is fish. This robot police asks the fisherman where the Accion Mutante ship is and they say it went in another direct the police leave..

It's not really a fisherman boat. It's the Accion Mutante ship. Seemed fishy.

The gang members are playing poker for their share of the ransom member. The conjoined twins try to bet, but the other member says that they ony have one share. This results in a gun.

The TV shows the newsreporter talking about the kidnapping. They found that the bodies of Chepa and M.A. The reporter reveals that the ransom was set for 100,000,000 Ecus, but Ramon told the gang that t was only 10,000,000.

The gang members confront Ramon about the discrepancy. Ramon accuses them of trusting the TV over him.

Ramon convinces them that the TV reporter was mistaken and chastises them for not doing matainence  on the ship. He does the motivational questions.

Alex and Juan walk down a corridor to check the turbo-compressors. They don't know where they are

Ramon talks to Manitas about misreporting the ransom accounts. This is his way of motivational speaking.

Then he feeds Manitas to a creature living in the cellar of the ship. We see a lovely gory shot of the creature biting off Manita's head. Alex and Jaun walk in. Alex screams and they go to save manitas. But fail. Ramon claims that a traitor in their ranks murdered Manitas. He says to wait for a few hours and the traitor will reveal himself

I put in the movie wanting to see some mindless gore and action. I wasn't expecting social commentary on disability and the inner politics of a terrorist organization.

Speaking of mindless gore, the creature spits out Manitas's foot. Alex shoots at it.

Okay, that was a hilarious line. Why is this movie good?

Juan and Alex narrow down the traitor to "not one of them". Because they do everything together.
That leaves Ramon and Quimecefa. Quimifeca appears and says that Ramon did it.

There is some biting commentary on the Spanish higher education system.

Ramon hides behind a panel and listens to Alex talking to Patricia, while Juan sleeps. Alex plays marriage counselor, apologizes for the wedding thing, and says that her fiance just wanted her money.

Unlike the terrorist group holding her for ransom.

Alex says that in the long run, they did her a favor. (funny line about Stockholm Syndrome.)

Alex tells Juan to get lost in an attempt at humor.

Ramon reveals himself to Patricia and walks to Quimicefa. He says that he found the traitor, and it is himself.

Quimecefa complains that the movie script made it too obvious that Ramon was the traitor for it to be a satisfying reveal. Then Ramon pulls the pin in Quimcefa's chest and he blows up.

Ramon claims that it was suicide because Quimcefa was the traitor.

Given the subject matter of the movie and how great it is, I can't complain.

Alex accepts the explanation. Juan does so as well. Ramon says that tommorrow. they will share the money between the three of them.

Cut to Alex waking up as Juan's blood spurts out. Ramon has stabbed Juan's  neck. Alex points his gun at Ramon, but ramon talks and convinces Alex that Juan was a traitor and now they don't have to split the money three ways. Also, he can pay for the operation to remove Juan with his $5,000,000  Alex accepts this and lowers the gun.

Sorry, I made a typo in the last sentence. What I meant to type was "Alex shoots Ramon in the crotch"

Ramon confesses that it was really $100,000,000. and not to ruin

I haven't heard (read, subtitles) lines that great since Casablanca.

Patricia manages to escape from her restraints by...moving her arms a little.

This movie has passed its violence quota and just realized that it hasn't started on the sex quota yet. That means jiggling your arms in a low-cut dress while the camera zooms in your cleavage frees you from your restraints. Logic.

Ramon and Alex wrestle around. Juan's head hits the switch that makes the sprinklers go off. Chekov's sprinklers.

Alex and Patricia reach for the gun.

Really not the best time for romantic tension.

Ramon picks up Alex and slams his head on control panel. The computer says "self-destructing in 30 seconds." Patricia hears, but Ramon doesn't.

He is Objectively wrong.

Ramon completely ignores the warnings about the ship exploding until it happens.

THE END.

Not the end.

Cut to Orujo looking at the exploding ship on a screen and being remarkably calm about his daughter blowing up. His companion says this:

Cut to Ramon walking out of the rubble

I haven't seen direction that clever since One-Armed Executioner.

Ramon drags an unconscious Patricia onto the planet. She wakes up and says she had a dream about getting married, then she killed a hunchback, got kidnapped on a spaceship for ransom, and saw someone try to kill Ramon. She couldn't help, and ask if they will have to kill her father.

I could have skipped the first hour or so of this movie

This movie is doing my job for me. Ramon drags patricia along.

Pan over some footprints in the desert. Alex is still alive...somehow. Maybe because there are is still half-an-hour left and there needs to be more than than one accion mutante for the title to work.

A Moses figure looks from a hill.

...I just had a moment of self-realization that I am spending time finding Biblical imagry in shlocky exploitation films. But doesn't it look like a Moses figure?

A vulture tries to attack Alex. The Moses figure comes and parts the...something with his staff.

Okay, I guess that is not Moses

Orogos and his assistant have a small armed force with them.

Ramon drags Patricia across the desert.

Stop being genuinly funny, accion mutante

She says she spent 21 years living a lie with her father.

She says she admires ramon's attempt to destroy the status quo and make everyone mutilated so there is no more hierarchy through physical appearance.

Stop delivering genuine social commentary, accion mutante.

The movie remembers which genre it is supposed to be and goes back to gore. Good. The guy with the goggles is attending to Alex and his dead brother. He says he will have to amputate Juan of them.

There is a particularly gruesome shot of Juan's dead head on their body.


Patricia plays psychologist.

This is actually hilarious, and not in an unintentional way. Off all the descriptors I thought I would give this movie, "intelligently funny" was not one of them.

A new character comes runnng and screamng to Patricia.

That's ableist.

He brings them to his residence. Man, sure was lucky that the character was wandering 30 kms away from the house and happened to stumble upon Ramon and Patricia.

Two men run inside to talk to their leader and say a woman came. The three of them walk outside.

Alex and the guy with goggle walk through the desert. Juan was not amputated- instead his head was stitched up and injected with chemicals (I think) so it would stay upright. Alex says that he used to trust laments that he never could have a woman with alex around.

At the hide-out. one of the men say that they have not seen a woman in a long time. He says that his grandson Zacariah has never seen a woman

Great, I was worried we would go through this entire movie without misogyny like that.

The men ask to buy Patricia for all them have. Ramon first asks for 100,000,000 , but the men laugh and offer 200,000 and 200 videos, I assume pornographic videos.

The man who does the speaking for the group tells Zacariah to go to his room because they are going to kill Ramon. That's ageist.

The men all pull out knives, but Ramon retaliates:

Bring a gun to a knife fight.

The men obviously don't understand the concept of "Once you pull a knife on someone for not making a deal, you've forfeited your negotiation rights" They ask for a rental for an hour

I'm not enirely sure what happens next. I think hat one of the men pick something up, Ramone is distracted, and another man stabs him in the chest. I think. It's difficult to make out when picture quality is so poor and the lighting is dark.

The point is, the men capure Ramon and Patricia. And Ramon has a knife in his chest.

Cut to a skeleton hanging from a tree. The guy with the goggles says that he proposed to his future wife almost twenty years ago. He says he loved her, and that they bought her.

I'm glad they are cramming in all the objectification of women in the latter half of the movie. I was worried the movie would end without meeting the mysogyny quota.

The man with the goggles says he will give Alex some advice about women he will never forget. Then he dies because irony. And a Wild Miner shot him.

Six solid second of Zacarais stroking Ramon's open wound wih a metal chip. Lovely.

My theory is that this film has a mandated high Gore:Sex ratio. The first half of the film had almost no sex and lots of gore. Now that there is more sex in the second half, they have to balance it out with more intense gore.

The men take Patricia into th next room to rape her.

I made a decision not to cover any serious movies with sexual assault and not to comment on the sexual assault scenes in movies like this.

Zacarais comes out and finds a way to pour salt in an open wound.

It involves pouring salt into Ramon's open wound.

Also, vinegar.

I was honestly kind of afraid to watch this movie. The back says it was a "gore-fest" and I haven't seen many of those. For the first 2/3s of the movie, I was a combination of disappointed and relieved. The gory and violent shots lasted only a few seconds and story was actually interesting. But for the final third, it looks like the movie will just be, uh, more over-the-top violent without the store development scenes getting in the way.

For example. the last we saw Alex, he was running away after from the Wild Miners after Goggle Guy died. After the vinegar scene, the movie cuts to Alex strung up on a tree with a rope around Juan's neck and the Wild Miners driving aound him in a truck. Then they get bored and drive to "Some place more lively." Presumably the Lost Mine

Are you wondering how the movie will show Ramon and Patricia escaping? Too bad. The next scene cuts to Patricia driving and Ramon waking up. He asks what happened. She replies that the director didn't want to include the escape scene. She got a map from the kid "with a deal"

That is the most disturbing thing in this movies so far

Also, Zacarias opens the door, and finds the three men naked and tied up. (Screenshot withheld)

Now I'm all in favor of gender equality and think there should be strong female representation in the media. But based on the first hour of this movie, I don't think feminists will be too thrilled. So I have to ask, how was one tied-up woman able to overtake and restrain three burly men?

Patricia and Ramon drive past the tree with Alex and don't notice him.

Cut to...a tavern? The wild miners kick the man with the goggles down the stairs. Then they beat him up.

I'm trying to imagine that 1992(?) board meeting

Executive: I know Coca-Cola is pretty much the most powerful and recognizable brand, or at least close to it, but you know what would really help our image? A couple seconds of product placement in a shlocky, exploitation film.

Orujo, his assistant, and his guards are a the tavern. A waiter comes over and asks hows the food. Orujo shoots him because Yelp hasn't been invented. His assistant has a bomb on the table and warns Orujo that the bomb will cause collateral damage. Orujo seems less concerned with his daughter and more concerned with killing Ramon. This is called "Prioritization"

Patricia's husband comes in and calls Orujo, "Dad." They go off to the mine.

The tree branch finally snaps and Alex falls. Once he hits the ground, a bulldozer hits him in the head. Really convinient timing for ... slapstick?

The men from whom Patricia and Ramon escaped ride the buldozer. Two of hem call Alex a mime, but the driver lets him ride to the Mine.

(I wasn't intending mime/mine to be on the ends of the clauses.)

Ramon and Patricia enter the tavern.Ramon asks for whiskey on the rocks. The bartender warns them that Orujo is there.

Patricia downs some whiskey and eagerly asks what the plan is with his father's money.

Ramon says "Let me make this clear once and for all"

I find this legitimately hilarious.

It devolves to Patricia saying she loves Ramon


Ramon tries to go after Patricia, but a miner confronts him. The miner asks Patricia whether Ramon was bothering her, and Ramon says this

Patrcia punches the miner

That scene was, um, pointless.
The newsrepporter come into the bar. They start a broadcast with Orujo here.

Oh, it's the Lost Mine Bar.

Orujo carries the bomb. The fiance says that he is repulsed by the kidnapping and wants to thank the authorities politic figures.


The newsreporter says "and now a message from our sponsor"

Ok, that was hilarious

The final showdown occurs with no police, just a tv crew. Is this some sort of social commentary? Ramon holds Patricia with a gun pointed out across the bar.Orujo has the bills in an  anti-fusion case.

The fiance offers to hand over the case. He puts on a hat for the camera and smiles. Patricia is freed, but she holds her fiance hostage and holds a gun to his head.

Ramon opens the case and finds...comic books and magazines.

Calling the movie out on this one. Orujo clearly did not want to engage Ramon in a fight- otherwise he would have brought more guards and he saw Ramon had a gun. So why provoke him? Furthermore, Orujo counted on Ramon being uncharacteristically stupid. Namely, not asking Orujo to open the case and show him the money before the exchange. Which he did for some reason.

Ramon pulls out his gun and shoots the TV reporter. Ramon says all of his men have guns pointing at Orujo. Orujo holds his own daughter captive and says he will kill everyone.

Well, I certainly didn't see the coming. I mean, it doesn't make much sense, but I didn't see it coming.


Orujo threatens to press the button and blow everyone up.

That is a true statement. It's called mortality.

Orujo laments spending his life building a business he hates and the fact that terrorists infltrated his daughter's wedding  He also disowns his daughter and  calls her a whore.

...That would probably be emotionally devestating if she wasn't so pre-occupied with the bomb about to explode.

Also, we don't need deep character motivations- it's been a long time since the last gory shot.

Orujo is about to press the button when he gets shot in the head.

By Alex.

Man, the timing of people being in certain places at certain times is almost as amazing as it was in Crimson Bat: The Blind Swordswoman.

There is a huge gun fight between Ramon and the miners. The Coca-Cola sign is visible, making me question the brand vision again.

You've kind of ruined your shot at female empowerment,

After a few more seconds of a stalmeated gun shot, a poice missle enters. A voice commands Mutant Accion to surrender, as the police are surrounding the Mine.

That's ableist. Some people don't have multiple hands.

The TV reporter comes out with a white handkercheif waving, but gets shot anyway. The combatants decide that they shoud just go all out and shoot widely. Two of the men mercy-kill each other, and the others stand up and die to Ramon's fire.

One of the miners dies on Ramon's lap.

Everytime I laugh at this movie, I feel guilty.

Ramon says that they have run out of ammo. The movie goes for female empowerment one more time and Patricia crawls over the counter to reach a gun.

She gets it, but her knee nudges the bomb. God damn it.

Alex  picks it up. Ramon takes it from him and says "You are still useless, Alex."

Ramon kisses Patricia deeply and runs out of the Mine, clutching the ticking bomb. Heroic sacrifice?

The bomb explodes above the Mine and the ceiling collapsies. alex crawls out of the rubble, and Juan's dead body detaches itself from him. This symbolizes...

Something.

Alex finds Patricia underneath some rubble. She says they have to get out of there and picks up a gun. They walk off into the not-sunset as the miners sing a song and the credits roll.


Accion Mutante has a great concept, the most interesting portrayal of people with disabilities in anything I have covered so far, clever self-aware humor,good social commentary and strong writing.

It utterly fails to deliver the expected mindless action and gore. 0/10.

Work Cited:

Verdugo, M., Jiménez A. and Jordan F. (2001). Social and Employment policies for

people with disabilities in Spain. In W. Oorscht, and B. Hvinden, Disability Policies

in European Countries, Kluwer Law International, Dordretch, 33-51.