One-Armed Executioner

I think it's about time to do an exploitation movie. I should probably justify the name of the blog.

Trigger Warnings: (e) all of the above.

I take trigger warning seriously, but putting trigger warnings on an exploitation film seems redundant.

Some triggers: Attempted sexual assault, drug abuse, amputation, blood, gore, and general unpleasantness.

 This is a 1978 Filipino exploitation film called They Call Her...Cleopatra Wong and it's about a one-armed executioner.

Sorry, I was looking at the Wong title. This is a 1978 Filipino exploitation film called One-Armed Executioner and it's about a one-armed executioner.

I like how the E is a gun. So far, this is a 10/10 movie and I haven't even gotten past the title.

It starts with a car driving down a dark street. A man named Mouse is talking quite openly on a payphone to a policeman, reporting a drug deal. Another man comes out of the car and walks to the phone booth. He takes a bar, locks the phone booth, and pushes it into the sea. Now he will have to pay extra for the overseas calling.

Cue upbeat music over the opening credits.

I would compliment this movie for getting straight to the point, but the executioner clearly had three arms; left, right, and his gun.

Maybe "arm" means "gun" and I'm wasting my time.

A woman and man are at a bar. They have just had a honeymoon and are waiting for the disappointment to begin

They were visiting Ann's family in San Francisco. I'm surprised Ann has a family- she looks like she was manufactured on an assembly line for exploitation movies.

He gets a phone call from the boss. The bartender asks Ann if her husband might leave Interpol. Ann says no, it means too much to him and she knew what she was getting into when she married him. Blind Swordswoman had more subtle exposition.

The boss says that they found the man is in water and want him to come investigate before the police get there.

The killer with the beard enters a bar and talks with his crime boss. He asserts that he killed Mouse before he gave away the  information about the drug trade. Good to know.

Mouse is a Rat.

Interpol drag the phone booth out of the water. One of them says "Not much to go on, I'm afraid." Well, you have cause of death pretty much certain.

Back at the office, the head of Interpol says that Mouse gave useless tips, but maybe this one was worth something because, you know, he was sent over the edge of the water in a phone booth.

The man who married Ann is named Ortega. The other man is named Sanchez. The head of Interpol tells Ortega that he has to get on a plane at dawn. Letting work interfere this early in the marriage?

I made a joke about Ann being plastic earlier- but look at her offspring:

Almost ten minutes into this exploitation film, and we've already had a murder, a drug trade, and a betrayal. That means it is time for a sex scene. In the shower. Hitting all the bases.

Ortega is at the airfield waiting for the plane. They are trying to get information about the drug deal tip. Ortega says "Remember, we want information, not dead bodies." They follow this instruction and engage in a shooting battle with the gang.

Someone runs out of bullets and gets shot. Also, the plane blows up. Remember the "information, not dead bodies" thing? The gang gets out of there because "nobody could live through that."

Actually, someone does, but gets shot. Then the camera zooms in a briefcase.

A member of the gang comes out to a gathering and declares:

Another member named Milo calls him out on his ableist language and says "May I suggest 'numbskulls'?"

The ableist  member says that Wicks, his corporate assistant, died in the plane. He says it's a disaster, but Milo says "May I suggest 'catastrophe?"

He about the briefcase and, when assured that it was destroyed in the fire, says "you better be right."

Cut to the briefcase at Interpol. Get it? He thought that something wasn't destroyed, but then it cuts to the thing that wasn't destroyed. The movie is great at foreshadowing.

But the insides are destroyed. The diary is burned up. I should stop making assumptions.

Ortega says that the legitimate businessmen don't enter the country in an undercover plane with a secret diary. Really?

Sanchez says Mouse was in touch with Edwards right before he was pushed into the bay. They don't know whether Edwards is involved.

They think the diary would prove Edwards was involved. They want to bluff and threaten Edwards with releasing the contents of the diary, pretending that it wasn't destroyed.

Does the plot even matter? Especially when we can see scantily-clad women massaging a gang member.

Milo is interviewing that member for a press release. The gang member dictates: "State how shocked  and stunned that Edwards is that a top member of our management..."

Milo interjects "How about 'most trusted' member of management?"

Edwards approves and continues "...was involved in such a..such a crime'

Milo adds "May I suggest 'heinous'?"

Running jokes only work when they contain humor.

Interpol comes in. They ask if Edwards was waiting for Wicks. Edwards says no, and they inform him that Wicks was killed smuggling drugs. Awkward.

Edwards says he is shocked that his employee was involved in a crime. He also accuses Interpol of spying and harassment, threatening that other members of the gang are upset.

Then he says "You will have my full cooperation in the investigation of this...most heinous crime."

I laughed at a joke in a 1983 Filipino exploitation film. We all have done things in our lives we aren't proud of.

Edwards asks Milo to recover the diary and to attack Ortega.

Ortega enters his house to see Ann tied up. Gang member attack him.

I assume that, at some point, lying to the gang boss about having a vital piece of information that could incriminate his entire operation and then not guarding his house seemed like a good idea. I must have skipped that part of the movie.

A guy with the sword, who was the killer at the beginning of the movie cuts off Ann's dress sleeve.Then he nicks her shoulder. Then he just stabs her through the stomach and laughs.

Well, this is certainly living up to the "exploitation" genre.

Ortega. looks downwards and the camera holds on a ring on one of the gang's fingers. That was too subtle, so the camera zooms in on it.

I'm sure seeing your wife being murdered right before you is traumatizing, but he still takes note of this ring. I'm sure it won't be relevant later.

Now the guy with the sword tells them to hold out Ortega arm. He specifies the right arm for some reason. Then he amputates it and laughs some more.

That scene was, um, interesting, and justified the title. It also justified me putting it on the blog.

I have a bad feeling that, after a few more months of this blog, I'm going to look back at this movie as it if were Care Bears.

At the United Doctor's Medical Center. Ortega wakes up, hooked to an IV. Sanchez and the chief are standing over him. He slowly reaches over, grabs his stump, and screams that he will kill them. They put him under again.

A pair of white shoes enters the room, and the man wearing them sits on Ortega's bed and tells him that his wife is dead. It is in a hospital, the lighting is shadowy and we never see his face. I have always wondered what Eye of the Beholder would look like if it were a Filipino exploitation movie.

Interpol investigates an island where the plane crash occurred. Meanwhile, Edwards is doing some tests on a shipment of drugs. He asks a doctor about his "patient". So a member of the hospital is part of the gang.

Ortega is depressed about his lack of a arm. Wo-Chen, his officer, tries to cheer him up. Also, he calls him Ramon. So it's Ramon Ortega.

I don't like to beat a dead horse, but this 1983 Filipino exploitation film is morally superior to Me Before You.

Ortega swears revenge, but the chief of Interpol tells him to let the police department handle it professionally and:

Okay, that was twice I laughed. Not even sure if that was intentional, but it was funny.

At the graveyard, Ortega cries over his dead wife. He says life is worthless without her and it is hilarious.

The officers talk about what to do with Ortega. They suggest a desk job or a pension. This is known as workplace discrimination.

Orega takes a taxi to a bar. A very sleazy bar. Because exploitation film.


So Ortega walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "How much is your tab here?"
Ortega shrugs and replies "Can't tell you off-hand."


Ortega orders a bourbon double. A woman comes up and hits on him. Because exploitation film. Her name is Maria.

Cut to later that night. Maria has successfully made Ortega drunk and taken all his money. Then she takes him home and lies him down.

This scene is cool because the fan makes shadows across his face and it adds to the atmosphere. Yes, I'm praising the cinematography in a 1978 exploitation film.

Ortega goes to look at rings. Relationship moving that quickly? He walks around and people stare and him. Then he knocks over a fruit stand. The music tells me I'm supposed to be feeling sad about this.

Ortega sits alone in a room, drinking, and tells Ann that he is trying but doesn't know how to begin.

He hears Ann's voice in his head saying they were both looking for happiness and she thinks she has found it. Then there are some flashbacks of the Ortega and Ramon being romantic, clearly on the same level as the romantic flashbacks in Casablanca.

Mr. Wo-Chen and Sanchez talk about  Ramon. I'm going to call him Ramon from now on because the characters are. Ramon is missing, and Mr Wo-Chen put out a search party because he is afraid that Ramon will try to seek revenge. Mr Wo-Chen says that Ramon isn't ready. I thought the police discouraged revenge.

Sannchez says this:

That's ableist.

Ramon is in a dark alley, so he gets beat up. And mugged. So he goes back to the bar. He stumbles and asks for a drink. But he doesn't have any money, and the bartender refuses to put it on a tab because he "is no longer one of his best customers."

The man who was sitting next to Ramon dials the phone ominously.

A car drives up and a man grabs Ramon,  forcing him into a car. They drive to a location. It looks like a nice resort.

This is the part of the movie where they train the person with the new injury to fight. I've seen it in The Crippled Masters, Crimson Bat, and now The One-Armed Executioner. Every time I see this scene, I think about how Will Trainer killed himself because he couldn't surf.

Mr Wo-Chen summarizes it:

Ramon's first task is to walk across a beam. He walks across the beam the second time he tries it. I don't really get the idea that he achieved something great if he got it on the second try.

He fails at fighting twice.

This is turning into a bad anime.

Actually, it's turning into a bad montage. An extremely bad montage.

I disagree.

Wo-Chen reminds Ramon that a single touch could kill him in real battle, and he trains again.

This fighting isn't interesting to me. I don't know why.

This part is hilarious though. He skips rocks across the water and Ann's face shows up. You would think that her face would shimmer onto the surface of the water. but there is just a still photo of her on the water, the water shimmers away and she starts moving. It's hard to describe, but this is when you first see her photo:

And when the water leaves, she starts moving as if she just remembered to start the flashback.

Wo-Chen comes and gets Ramon away from dead wife visions. Wo-Chen plays armchair psychologist and says he will never stop having nightmares until he lets go of his guilt. He also assures Ramon that it is not his fault that Ann is dead.

Eh, I wouldn't say he is blameless. I'm not passing moral judgement, but Ramon did bluff and tell a crime boss that he had incriminating evidence, and then left his wife alone at home without taking any precautions. Just saying.

Wo-Chen  asks Ramon what the men who killed Ann looked like. Ramon says he isn't sure because they were wearing masks.

Stop trying to be philosophical, One-Armed Executioner.

Here is where the Chekov's ring comes back. Ramon says that he saw a ring while witnessing the traumatic slaughter of his wife and somehow managed to remember it. He describes the ring as gold, with a dragon design and a snake surrounding it. Also, the snake was holding a chalice. Let's look at the ring from a previous scene:

Not seeing it.

More training the next day. If he is holding a gun, doesn't he have two arms? Making the title a lie?

Ramon holds the gun between his knees to reload. He goes to target practice. Wo-Chen calls out numbers and Ramon shoots the  targets. He is too slow for Wo-Chen. Through the magical teaching powers of a jump cut, he suddenly is fast enough

That was fast.

Wo-Chen says the ring is of Chinese origin, 6th century, with the sign of an apothecary or a healer. This means that the doctor is the person wearing the mask.

Um...seems like valid logic. For a 1983 Filipino exploitation film.

Ramon goes to the doctor's house and says he wants to know about rings. The doctor says "The jeweler is in the next office."

Wait, no, Ramon grabs his hand and asks about the ring. The doctor says that it is only a common ring.

It would be funny if that ring was not a 6th century Chinese ring, but a mass-produced modern ring and Ramon is interrogating an innocent man.

The doctor says Mike Jason killed his wife and that he lives in the penthouse  at the Superior Insurance Company. 2/3 of the way through an exploitation film and we are just getting to the penthouse? Ramon slaps the doctor to the ground.

The chief of Interpol tells Sanchez that Doctor Henderson was killed. We didn't get to see the kill. Sanchez says that he was Ortega's doctor and the chief says he was also Edward's physician.

The chief reminds Sanchez how professionally the veins were tied up. A lot of the logic in this seems really, really flimsy. Also, way to discriminate against the medical profession. The chief says he wishes they could find Ortega. Then it cuts to Ortega. This is a masterful piece of directing, not unlike the briefcase shot from before.

Ortega goes into the penthouse and convientally finds Jason immediately, getting a massage. Ortega accuses Jason of brutally slaughtering Ann, and Jason can't really deny it. Especially when Ortega throws him Doctor Henderson's ring. The masseur (thank you, Google) runs and grabs a club while Ortega beats up Jason.

Is that an intentional double-meaning of "rod" or
am I overthinking this?

Rod and Jason fight Ortega. Jason uses a sword and Rod a club.  The fight scene is...okay. At one point, Jason drops his sword, and then Ortega picks it up and stabs him. So it's like Hamlet. And both works of revenge fiction have equal literary merit.

Ortega goes to the dock, throws a sleeping man off a boat, and rides it across the bay. Two gang members try to fight him when he docks on the other side, but Ortega kills them both. Then he ambushes a few guards on the way to Edwards' hideout.

Milo and Edwards are on the phone and tell us how the drug trade is coming along. They have to get to a refinery by tomorrow to get a shipment out on Thursday. Thank you for the exposition.

They hear Ortega fighting off the guards and decide to address that problem. Edwards shoots twice at Ortega, but he jumps out of the way and Edwards yells at his guards to take  care of it as he runs back inside.

In one interesting scene, Ortega holds a guard's gun as the guard is shooting at him and aims it at Milo.

That's about the only part of the fight scene I liked.

Edwards runs towards a boat, turns back, about to shoot, but decides against it and flees

Milo isn't dead because Ortega needs to know where Edwards is going. Milo says he is going to the refinery. Ortega asks where the refinery is, and Milo replies:

That was the pay-off for the running joke.

Actually. I thought it was funny.

At the refinery, Edwards is angry the his men didn't kill Ortega.

Wo-chen, Sanchez, and Ortega fly in a helicopter over  Panginay, Bulacan. They find the refinery pretty easily, as it is marked with two guard towers.

Edwards tells his men that after this delivery, they will have to close up shop for awhile. See, it's funny because Interpol is going to kill them.

The guards try to shoot the helicopter down. Ortega throws some explosives and blows up the guard towers and the bridges, isolating the gang.

Ortega jumps down from the helicopter in an exciting shot.

Ortega advances towards the refinery and takes out Edward's men. It's...a fight scene. Nothing special, but nothing awful either.

Jason is smoking a cigar. In case this film hasn't hit enough clichés, Ortega runs out of bullets when he tries to shoot Jason.

Ortega runs through some tall weeks which will make things more difficult.

The helicopter finally lands. Wo-Chen steps out.

Ortega hears the click of a reload. We know this because there is a close-up of an ear.

Wo-chen calls for backup.

Jason and Edwards stumble through the jungle. Jason is wounded, so Edwards leaves him to die.

Ortega stumbles across a body in the mud and shoots at it.  A gang member shoots at Ortega and misses. Ortega tries to shoot, but he is out of bullets, so he grabs a sword off of the corpse and throws it at the attacker.

Jason and Edwards find a boat.

NAZIS? WHAT?

Jason helps Edwards start the boat. Edwards thanks him by hitting him with a briefcase and riding away.

Ortega runs back to the helicopter and reveals that Edwards got away. Wo-chen stays behind as Ortega and Sanchez fly after Edwards.

Edwards tries to shoot, but his gun is out of bullets. of course. Luckily, he has another gun.

This movies is starting to get ridiculous

Ortega throws the explosive into the boat and kills Edwards.Then they find Jason, struggling to stay alive on the beach. Ortega jumps out of the helicopter, takes out his gun, points it at Jason. He pulls the trigger, but he is out of bullets.

That's not what happens. Ortega says it is hard to kill Jason and throws him the gun. Ortega walks away,  and Jason shoots at him. Ortega lies down, and takes another gun out of his pocket.

Have you forgotten why Ortega wants to kill Jason? Don't worry, the movie give you a flashback of Jason brutally slaughtering Ann.

Ortega shoots Jason, and we immediately cut to Wo-Chen, the chief of Interpol, and Sanchez in the boat. They come onto the beach, and the chief offers him a job back.

Ortega says "No thanks chief. My work is all finished"

Then the movie ends on this shot.

Final thoughts...

I started this movie expecting that, by the time I finished it, I will have seen my first Filipino exploitation film about a one-armed executioner.

At the end of the movie, I can confirm that I have seen my first Filipino exploitation film about a one-armed executioner.

Therefore, I have to give this movie a positive rating.

Q: Why did Ortega pay full price for his equipment?
A: He couldn't buy them second-hand.

Nico the Unicorn

Nico the Unicorn is a 1998 film adaptation of the 1996 children's book Nico the Unicorn by Frank Sacks. I have to say, that is a great choice for a title. If someone with no prior knowledge asked for five classics of children's literature and you gave them this list:

1. Charlotte's Web

2. The Cat in the Hat

3. Winnie-the-Pooh

4. Nico the Unicorn

5. Pippi Longstocking

They would probably not question number four at all. Good job, Frank Sacks.

Sometimes I watch a movie and it takes a while for the disability to appear. Nico the Unicorn starts with a boy limping out of the house with "magical" music. In case we didn't get it, the camera holds on his legs for a split second. But Nico the Unicorn establishes the disability more tastefully than Me Bef- I made a promise not to reference that anymore.

His name is Billy

Billy enters a classroom and awkwardly walks to the front of the room while people glance at him. His teacher gives him a book. Meanwhile, his mother fixes up the new house, They just move. apparently.

The opening credits are still going

 This makes me skeptical. I think that when the author of the book writes the screenplay, things don't go so well because they stick too closely to the book and what works in written form doesn't always translate to audio-visual form. For example: The Hunger Games, The Shining TV miniseries, and Me Bef-.

The next scene is baseball. This will go well. A girl yells at a kid named Bruce because he is taking too long to choose a bat. I would thank her for giving him a name so early on, but I could have just called him "the bully". Because he is "the bully." Even before his first line, you can tell.

Disclaimer: Given the subject of the blog, I feel obligated to say I don't support judging people based on their appearance. Unless they are a bully in a children's film.

In case you don't stereotype 1990's fictional bullies like I do, Nico the Unicorn establishes his character beautiful. By "beautifully", I mean he taunts the new boy and asks if  he wants to play. So he is more nuanced than one of Stephen King's bullies. The future love interest, I mean a random girl on the sidelines who will probably have no bearing on the plot, tells Bruce to leave Billy alone because he can't play. But Billy says sure and the camera lingers on the girl's reaction. Subtle.

Billy hits the ball to the far edge of the field because 1990's baseball scene. Someone on the sidelines says "We might actually have a home-run" because we have to establish that if the boy trips after first base, he will have ruined the chance for a home run.

Oh look, he trips after first base. The bully offers to help him up, but the Billy refuses. The girl says "Nice hit" and the guy sitting next to her mumbles "Yeah, for a cripple."

Billy starts walking home and his mom picks him up because she was getting worried. She asks if he had a good day at school and he says "No, I have a disability, just moved to a new school, and, most importantly, I'm in a 1998 fantasy children's movie about overcoming challenges"

Billy and his mom fix up the new house. He casually mentions that "Even Dad wouldn't like this place" The mom says "yes" and they exchange some dialogue that makes it even more obvious that the dad is dead. I would complain, but this 1998 fantasy children's movie is a lot more subtle than most of the films I've covered.

The camera zooms in on a book:

Then it zooms in on the title.

Eh, still more subtle than Riding the Bus With my Sister.

Billy picks it up because he recognizes it from the title of the movie.

At school, Billy turns around to pass back a paper that the teacher handed out and he exchanges eye contact with the girl from earlier. Romantic tension.

All the cool kids touch a statue's breast. So Billy does it. As the cool kids watch. Um, having a disability doesn't stop you from molesting a statue? I don't think the unicorn will be the oddest thing in the movie.

Billy plays an arcade game. Bruce the bully comes up and watches him play. Obvious love interest comes up on the other side and asks how he did on the test today.

Bruce asks if the boy wants to go mountain biking. Obvious love interest says in a loud whisper "He can't, his leg." I don't like her.

Billy walks home and sees a sketchy tent with sign.

Kids, if you see a tent with a misspelled sign outside your school and a strange man in the ticket booth...go inside. Nico the Unicorn says it's okay.

Billy walks around and sees lobster boy, and a unicorn. I have to give credit to this movie for getting to the title character in the first 12 minutes: Nico the Lobster Boy.

Billy ducks under the chain to the unicorn's pen and feeds it some hay. He says "Hey girl." So unicorns are always female now?

A worker comes up to find Billy inside the pen. He says "What the hell do you think you're doing?" This line made me look up what the film was rated, but it is Not Rated. I guess "hell" is too taboo in a children's film for them to even attempt a rating.

The owner complains the to worker that the unicorn/horse with a fake horn on it is "almost dead" and that he will get $20 for it at the slaughterhouse.

That wasn't a jab at the movie's special effects- the animal is a horse with a fake horn in-universe

Billy offers to buy the unicorn for $20. The worker laughs "You got $20?" Billy says no, but hands over a down payment. I had to go back in the movie and realized that his mother had given Billy money when she dropped him off for school. Nico the Unicorn's plot is hard to keep track of.

Billy's mother works at a cafe. A man comes in and orders a cup of coffee. He offers to take her to a steakhouse. The owner of the store tells the man to stop hitting on the waitress.

Sorry, I meant to write that she accepts his offer to go to the steakhouse on Sunday. I don't know how I got that plot point confused.

Billy's mother picks him up and it is very unconcerned that he went into the "Special Critturs" tent. Also, he wants to buy the $20 horse. The mother laughs. She stops laughing at home when she learns he gave him a down payment. Going into the odd tent labelled "Special Critturs" is okay, but giving him a down payment is something he "should know better" than to do. Also, they can't afford it and he can't ride it.

That night, Billy reads "Unicorns, Myth and Reality" by Chekov to his mother. The mother says there is no such thing as a unicorn and she doesn't know how much an animal like that would cost.

There is a short scene of the strange man hitting the pony. We have to establish that he is a bad guy. Established? Good.

That scene where Billy convinces his mother to let him buy the unicorn? I guess it was cut for time, because they go to the tent to buy the unicorn. Unfortunately, the unicorn died. Movie over.

Well, this movie was a lot shorter than I imagined, but I like the ending. The unicorn was a representation of a miracle, say a cure, and Billy learned that he has to cope with his disability instead of waiting for a unicorn to fix it. This is a great ending to a good movie, if a little cliche. I would recommend it.

Oh wait, there is still over an hour to go.

The unicorn is not dead, it was asleep. The owner asks for $20. Billy's mothers reminds him of the down payment, but the owner says he raised the price.

Shortly after deciding to buy the unicorn  the mother and son build a fence, buy a horse brush, and are capable of taking care of it entirely. Okay.

Billy brushes by a leg with a brace

 This won't be mentioned again, I'm sure. Also, the horn was fake. What a misleading movie title.

The mother comes out and Billy says he wishes he could ride the horse. She says the doctor said no.

Just want to point out that therapeutic horseback riding existed before 1998. Source: Me.

Billy talks to the horse and says maybe someday they could join the rodeo. Romantic Interest Girl bikes up and says "Will I be invited?" I did a brief estimate of how far she was away from them when Billy talks based on her speed and how long it took for her to approach. There's no way she could have overheard him. This movie is ruined.

She asks if he has ridden the horse. He say, no because of the leg. The girl says "Sorry, I forgot". But Billy claims he is talking about the horse's leg.


She tries to apologize, but he says to stop trying saying sorry. She bikes away from the toxic relationship, but not before looking back and calling him brave.

Billy's mom buys some bags of horse food, but it was only enough to feed him a month. Billy and his mom have a casual exposition exchange about how they can't afford to keep feeding her because they have to save up for Billy to go to college. Billy exclaims that if his father was there, they wouldn't be in the middle of nowhere with nothing. Thanks for explaining the family situation for the audience

A strange man knocks at the door and knows Billy's name. His name is Tom. Billy lets him in. Still better than going into the "Special Critturs" tent. Tom is the man who asked Billy's mom out on a date. He asks to see the pony.

Was this considered not creepy in 1998? Tom feels the horse and says that, while he doesn't doesn't know much about horses, she might be pregnant.

His mom leaves. giving Billy a lot of instructions on how get dinner out of the oven and to do his homework.

Cut to Tom and Billy's mother's date. It's supposed to be awkward, but it looks ideal compared to the first dates on The Undateables.

A cat prowls the night. That was unexpected. Billy wakes up, hears the horse whinnying, puts on his brace, and walks outside.

The cat sneaks into thee shed window before Billy sees it,

Billy closes the window and goes to calm down the horse. He walks inside, gets a blanket, and puts it over her. The horse is now on the ground.

Cut back to the date. Tom and Billy's mother are dancing. That escalated. They come home and kiss. Billy's mom goes inside and finds the bed empty. She goes outside and finds him with the horse.

Billy's mom says "I go out for one night and that's when the horse I bought for you off the strange man in the tent labeled 'Strange Critturs' decides to collapse? Can't I trust you?"

Not really, she says that they will call the vet in the morning.

The next morning, Billy is sick and stays home. He calls school and somehow manages to convince the teacher to let the love interest (Caroline) go to the library and get a book out on horses.
Remember when Google wasn't a thing?

 Apparently, the elementary school library has a book called "First Aid for Horses." This was before Common Core.

Caroline goes over the Billy's house. Billy tells her that the horse is going to give birth. You didn't tell her that over the phone?

Caroline and Billy decide to midwife the horse. Caroline wants to ask for help, but Billy says they have to do it themselves. I'm all for people with disabilities being independent, but there is a limit.

Now we have a horse birthing scene. Lines include gems such as:
"If she turns around, you'll have to reach inside."
"I saw my dad do it once."
"Maybe it will just pop right out like it's supposed to."
"Oh geez. Caroline, it's coming."

A 1998 children's film called Nico the Unicorn should not be as uncomfortable to watch as The One-Armed Executioner.

The baby horse looks like this:

Not sure if accurate.

Billy points out the horn, and Caroline reminds him that unicorns don't exist.

Billy picks up Chekov's book on unicorns that just happened to be lying in the shed in case Billy had to prove that horse gave birth to a unicorn. Be Prepared.

Billy reads that the first unicorn came to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Unicorns can't be caught by force, and only someone pure of heart can possess one. Caroline asks if Billy is pure of heart, and Billy shrugs.

Now hold on. The horse was obviously pregnant in the "Special Critturs" tent. She must have been pretty close to giving birth, because it hasn't even been a week since Billy got her. (The food hasn't run out) So that means either:

A) The horse would have given birth to a unicorn if it has stayed in the "Special Critturs" tent. Given that only someone pure of heart can possess her, that means the sketchy owner was pure of heart. And before you argue the meaning of the word "possess", remember that Caroline implied that Billy is pure of heart because the horse gave birth to a unicorn in his shed.

OR

B) The horse would have given birth to a horse if it had stayed in the "Special Critturs" tent. That means that, in less than a week, the transfer of ownership between the man and Billy someone caused the magical forces in the horse to identify Billy as pure of heart and change the structure of the almost fully-formed horse fetus. Also, I'm pretty sure that Billy's mother has the legal title to the horse, not Billy.

This movie is illogical.

Billy and Caroline walks outside. Caroline says she likes Billy and kisses him. Helping a horse give birth is a great romantic opportunity. Billy calls Caroline the bravest girl he ever met. Get it? It's like the scene where Caroline called Billy brave.

At the restaurant where Billy's mom works, someone named Cecil is trying to convince the cashier that a big story in the town could make them rich. Like, hypothetically, if a horse gave birth to unicorn. For example.

Tom comes into the restaurant and distracts Billy's mom. He mumbles to himself that he is in love. Thanks, couldn't tell.

Billy's mom comes home and scold Billy for not being in bed. Billy shows her the baby unicorn.
This is what happens when you let your kids do whatever they want. One minute they are buying a horse from a "Special Critturs" tent, and the next they are birthing a unicorn in your shed.

The next morning, Billy goes into the shed and sees the unicorn has grown to almost the size of its mother. The only thing that could make this movie good is if it turns in a giant monster horror movie. Also, the unicorn's horn grows magically in 1998 CGI.

At school, Billy figures out what to call his unicorn

Reminds me of the time I got a dog and called it "O".

Billy shows Caroline the page with his unicorn's name on it. She says it's good but her face says that this a red flag for the relationship.

The cat comes back too. I know it's a kid's movie, but give foreshadowing a little context.

Billy's teachers says "Now, Vermont played a small but pivotal role in the War Between the States. Can anyone tell me another name for the War Between the States?"

The scene cuts back to the cat, the horse, and Nico. In my mind, I imagine someone raising their hand and saying "The War of Northern Aggression"

Billy somehow senses that Nico is in danger. I don't know how. Maybe he is just worried. He pretends to cough, asks to be excused, and just walks out of the building. I went to school in 1999 and it was not that easy to leave. Caroline somehow manages to get excused as well and follows after Billy.

The cat chases after Nico's mother. It leaps it in slow motion and kills her.

On the bright side, Billy's mother will probably be more willing to let him keep one horse/unicorn than two.

Billy and Caroline walk outside and find a bloody bolt on the ground. They follow the trail of blood to the dead pony.

Billy's mom comes home and asks Billy what's the matter. He says that a wild animal killed the pony. They bury her on a hill.

Can this turn into Pet Semetary? Please?

Billy's mom and Tom talk over coffee while billy sleeps. Tom says that he was around Billy's age when his dog, Atticus, died.

Remember the whole rabid dog scene in To Kill a Mockingbird? Tom apparently didn't.

Billy reads the book about unicorns and says that the mountain lion is the traditional enemy of the unicorn. But the lion didn't kill Nico, he killed the horse.

1999 Special Effect magic floats over the shed.

The next day, Billy's mom calls a man named Joe because her car won't start. Billy says that there is no school because it's a PD day.

I thought he said either PE day or PT day. I looked up PD and it's a Canadian thing called "Professional Development Days" for teachers. Nico the Unicorn taught me something.

Nico comes into the house. He is now a full-grown horse/unicorn. Then he just walks away. Nico is a metaphor for something.

Joe comes by and says "He eating  all right? Sometimes when they lose their mama early, they grow up puny."

Then Nico kicks a board of the shed down. Joe says the horse might grow up small, and then the horse kicks down a board of the shed door. Joe said one thing, and then something happened that contradicted it. Humor.

Billy comes out with Nico like this:

That's cultural appropriation.

Joe says something is draining the battery of the car. So it's like The Monsters are Due on Maple Street.

The Cool kids/bullies ask Caroline if she wants to go somewhere. She says sure but bikes in the other direction towards Billy. Is that supposed to be character development? It doesn't work because she never wanted to hang out with the cool kids before. Whatever.

Caroline finds that that Billy's backyard is filled with plants now. She asks how it happened, and Billy says Nico did it. Caroline says it's like paradise, or something. It's like the Garden of Eden. That was set up earlier. Neat.

Caroline says that Billy will be rich because people will pay to see Nico. Billy takes this as an insult because she is insinuating that he is poor. Billy says that he doesn't need her help in a really bad dialogue exchange. But they need to fight because its the beginning of the third act.

Caroline bikes to the bullies/cool kids. Bruce calls Billy a gimp. He asserts that Billy is stupid because of the whole unicorn thing and Caroline claims to have seen the Unicorn. Then she denies it, which gives Bruce the idea to start a hoax.

Billy tells Nico that someone is bound to find out about Nico. Well, Caroline made sure of that. Nico nods, which apparently means that he understands.

The bullies/cool kids bike to Chekov's newspaper. They report that they have seen a unicorn and the reporters asks for a photograph. They ask for a price, the man says to name it, and they say $100,000.

According to data.bls.gov inflation calculator, $100,000 in 1998 had the purchasing power of $144,445.98 in 2016.

The bullies/cool kids run outside right as Carolyn comes by. They tell her that they can make $100,000 if they get pictures of the unicorn. Carolyn says they can't do it, and they give her an ultimatum of their friendship or Billy. She chooses Billy. Conflict resolved.

Billy tells Nico that he hopes his mom doesn't panic to the sudden forest in the backyard. He says a lot of people see something different and overreact.

This would work a lot better if Billy's disability was mentioned after the first day of school.

Billy says that all they need is a stream, and Nico makes one from a rock. Carolyn runs up and asks for Billy to forgive her. He says sure but she tells him that she told Bruce and the other bullies that Billy has a unicorn. She says "They were making fun of you. I wanted them to know you weren't crazy"

Hint: Don't say that someone has a unicorn if want to prove that that person isn't crazy.

Carolyn says that they are coming over to take pictures of Nico for the newspaper. Billy does the rational thing and packs a bag to run away.

The bullies/cool kids come by to take a picture of Nico. They have a fake horn just in case Nico isn't a unicorn. Billy pushes Bruce away from him, and Bruce pushes back, knocking Billy to the ground.

I love equal-opportunity bullies.

Nico comes out and attacks Bruce. The other kids take pictures. Then they run away. Billy decides to run away with Nico to the mountains.

Bruce and the other bullies bring the pictures to the newspaper reporter. He looks at them and his eyes widen. I would think that his first thought would be that they put a fake horn on it. The bullies want the money, but the reporter says he has to call his people first, so they hand over the pictures. Not the best negotiators.

This is the most unrealistic part of the movie, that the reporter immediately believes them.

The reporter runs to the restaurant and shows the pictures. Billy's mom drives home to find Billy. Carolyn tells her that Billy ran to the mountains with Nico.

Billy's mom calls the police and tells them that Billy is gone. Tom goes to the house, Billy's mom bikes to the mountains, and Carolyn stays behind.

At the restaurant, the TV reporters says that the first living unicorn has been spotted. It hasn't even been a day since they gave in the photos. I know it's a small town, but really?

Tom drives up the trail towards the mountains. He calls for backup when he can't drive any further and has to walk. The backup grabs a gun.

God damn it.

Tom uses binoculars to find Billy and Nico. They hear the radio conversation and the climactic question "Can Billy ride Nico?" is asked.

Billy says "Wait a sec" and rolls up his pants leg, revealing his brace.

Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is going.

Yep, Billy undoes his brace and climbs on top of Nico. Then Nico magical cures Billy.

Not he doesn't. But he does crush the brace. It's symbolic.

The police. bullies, and reporters congregate in the woods. The police tells them to get away, but the reporter says that the constitution gives him rights. Also, there is a gold fringe on the flag.

The backup is just sitting with a gun. Not ominously.

Tom finds Billy's mom, who says Billy is way up on top of the mountain. The search party continues.  With horses.

Caroline comes by and convinces the police officers to let her come along to the police investigation. Her logic goes like this: "I'm his friend, so I should be allowed to go." This works in 1998.

Billy drinks by a stream. We never saw him dismount.

This story is now on national TV. The reporter says that Billy is hiding the unicorn from the curious and from the inevitable exploitation.

UNICORN=DISABILITY. We get it.

A helicopter flies over the woods. The backup with a gun finds Billy and the unicorn first. Because.

Carolyn is on a horse riding with the search crew. She conversationally mentions that she has never been to Big  Rock before. This is news to an officer, because they aren't headed to Big Rock. Billy's mom lied about where Billy was because she wanted to give Nico and Billy a chance. I hope the CPS comes. They turn around.

Nico stumbles through some muddy terrain. Somehow, the helicopter, the backup. and Billy's mom with the police all come to this spot. How did the police get there  if they were going in the opposite direction?

The backup spots Nico and aims. Billy's mom hears the click of the gun and rides after the hunter. She throws a metal...rod at him and he falls. She picks up a handful of rocks and goes to throw it at him, but he points the gun at her.

Tom shoot him with a dart instead. Don't hesitate.

The person playing Billy has been good for a child actor. The script isn't great, but he does a good job with it. Until this scene, where he says, in the most monotone voice. "Oh man, they're all around us. They're for sure going to get us now."

The mountain lion comes out of the mountains. I did not see that coming, and it would be a good "twist" if the lion killed Nico instead of the search party. Does that count as a twist?

Anyway, that doesn't happen. Instead, Billy rides Nico out of the woods into a field. The police, his mom, and the helicopter are all there. There is a chase scene. Then Nico jumps the shark. I mean, the cliff.

You know, I was actually  starting to like this movie.

It's not that bad. I think it's implying that Nilo flew, but it also could be a really long jump. The police seem to take this new development well and call for a helicopter.

Nico brings Billy to a cave. It has carvings of unicorns in it.

Okay...I don't like where this is going. Light shines from the cave and radiates on Nico. Then they escape to actual Paradise. Billy uses a stick to walk.

AAAAAAAAAAND Billy gets healed. I knew horseback riding was therapeutic, but come on.

Billy says he has to go back and he will never forget Nico. He takes off his harness. and lays it by the beach, where is vanishes in a puff of CGI.

The helicopters, news reporters, etc. all watch Billy running back. The news reporter asks about the unicorn, and Billy says that everyone knows there is no such thing as a unicorn.

THE END

Shortly afterwards, Billy collapses and they bring him to the hospital. The doctors ask why he was running without a brace, and he says a unicorn told him. The stress on his leg causes a more severe injury, and he spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair. And in therapy.

THE END.

If you watch the movie without the second ending, it's an awful movie about a boy who has a limp and has to find a magical unicorn to cure him because he can't be happy without two good legs.

If you watch the movie with the second ending, it's a masterpiece about false hope and homeopathic medicine.